


The Face You See

by ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, Spunky0ne



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, VictUuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-09-13 20:07:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 49,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16899069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl/pseuds/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: Even after Yuuri finally wins gold in a competition with Victor Nikiforov, Victor is still his idol. But, what will happen when Victor’s strength is tested by an atrocity that no one should have to face?(Warning: Non-graphic references to rape/non-con sex.)





	1. Trash

**Author's Note:**

> For You Know Who – Thank you for all of your loving support and story suggestions. Thank you also for your willingness to share with me your own past experience with sexual/domestic violence. I hope that this story, filled with your favorite characters, will help you to know that you are not alone. There are some horrible people in the world, who, sadly, will walk away free, as did your abuser. I had a different experience, but the lessons are, in many ways, the same. Still, I truly believe that most people are good. And I also believe that it is the love of those around us that helps us find our own strength when something bad like this happens. To those reading the story who have had something similar happen, I wish you peace and healing. Love to all, Spunky)

**( _You only think I’m strong. The strength you see is only a costume designed for the dance. When it is torn away, and the flesh beneath it is bared…the truth is exposed. My greatest strength only exists…in you and me together.)_**

Dance music played loudly in the banquet room, where the competitors from the Grand Prix of Figure Skating Finals and their guests gathered to celebrate the end of the competition. Small groups gathered in different areas of the room, some near the food and drink laden tables, some out on the decorated patio, laughing and talking. Some had strayed out into the quieter hallway, outside the room, but Russian legend, Victor Nikiforov and the his Japanese lover, Yuuri Katsuki, were busy lighting up the dance floor together. Even being more than a little intoxicated, the two moved gracefully, their faces flushed with exertion and smiling as they turned and swayed together.

“Victor,” Yuuri said, slurring the name slightly, “I’m surprised you can still dance like this. You don’t usually have so much stamina.”

“Ha!” Victor laughed, wrapping his arm around Yuuri’s slender waist and swinging him in a dizzying circle, “Tonight, I finally got to kiss Yuuri’s gold medal! I have stamina enough for _anything_!”

He dipped his smiling partner, then bent to kiss him as cameras flashed and Yurio snapped, “Get a room, you two!” before turning back to continue his dancing with Otabek Altin.

“You did well tonight, Yurio,” Victor teased him, “A little longer and you might be able to beat us both at the same time.”

“I’m killing you two next season!” Yurio steamed, “You were lucky I had an off night tonight.”

“But your bronze medal is so pretty!” Victor giggled.

“Shut up!” Yurio shouted, “Hey, Beka, let’s go get some air.”

Victor leaned over and breathed into Yuuri’s ear.

“I think they’re going out there to make out. Want to go too?”

“I’m busy dancing, here,” Yuuri insisted, grabbing Victor by the wrist as his partner tried to follow their friends onto the patio, “Hey, don’t run off!”

“But I want to get a picture.”

“Nope. No pictures. You wanna take a picture, then take a picture of you and me.”

Victor grinned and pulled out his cell phone. He wrapped an arm around Yuuri and kissed him on the cheek as he snapped a selfie.

“Lovely!” he laughed, showing Yuuri the picture, “I want another.”

Yuuri hugged him from behind, nipping at his earlobe as Victor snapped a second selfie.

“Oh, that one’s beautiful too!” Victor gushed, “I want to take a naked one, Yuuri. Take your clothes off!”

“What? Half my clothes are already off, and this is as undressed as I get in public.”

“Why are so worried?” Victor chuckled, “Everyone here is drunk off their asses. No one will even notice.”

“Eh, there are a few kids under twenty-one, here, who aren’t drunk. It’ll be all over social media by morning. Save it for when we go back to the hotel. We can take all of the naked pictures you want there…as long as you keep them to yourself and me.”

“You’ve got it! Can we leave now?” Victor asked, giving him a charming wink.

Yuuri gave him a conflicted look.

“But I promised Phichit that I would go and talk to him after we were done dancing. Can we stay just a little longer?”

Victor tilted his head, smirking cutely.

“Only if you promise not to go to sleep before we do our own celebrating tonight at our hotel room,” he teased.

“Victor!” Yuuri laughed, blushing.

“I waited all this season, Yuuri, while you barely had sex with me at all!”

“We were in training!” Yuuri exclaimed, “It’s not good to exert yourself like that, right before a competition.”

“You kill me, Yuuri!” Victor sighed, shaking his head, “That’s an old wives tale…and you’re not my wife for few months, so you shouldn’t listen to shit like that.”

“I’m not gonna be your wife!” Yuuri giggled, giving Victor a playful shove.

“You want me to be your wife, then?” Victor asked, giving him a momentary flash of feigned vulnerability.

“Oh my god, that’s… _really sexy_!” Yuuri said, swallowing hard and biting his lips as his blush darkened.

Victor leaned in close, licking his earlobe, then he loosed hot breath on the damp flesh.

“You like it, Yuuri?” he asked, “I’ll do that look for you when we have sex tonight, okay? Can we go now?”

“But, I…”

“Ah, you promised your friend,” Victor sighed, shaking his head, “I suppose I can wait. Just don’t take too long. I have a season long hard on to work off, you know.”

He sucked in a surprised breath and his blue-green eyes widened as Yuuri pulled him into a wet, champagne flavored kiss. Then, Yuuri whispered into his ear.

“Don’t worry. I’ll make it worth the waiting.”

“Wow!” Victor giggled, “Now, it’ll be even harder to wait.”

“I won’t be long,” Yuuri promised, turning towards his friend and leaving Victor looking after him.

Victor walked back to the table, where he picked up another glass of champagne, then he looked around the room.

_Looks like Chris is busy dancing with his boyfriend. Yurio and Otabek probably don’t want to be disturbed, although maybe I could sneak a picture of them._

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and stepped out onto the patio. Looking around, he spotted the entrance to a garden area outside that several couples were using for kissing and cuddling.

“I’ll bet you’re out there,” Victor snickered, “I’ll get a cute photo to tease you with later, little hothead.”

He moved along the dimly lit trail, not noticing a darkly dressed male figure following him.

_These gardens are lovely. I should get Yuuri to come out here to cuddle. The stars are really beautiful tonight._

He continued along the path, passing a few couples, but finding no sign of his Russian teammate.

_I wonder if they’ve gone back to Yurio’s room already. Ah well, I should be heading back soon anyway to meet Yuuri._

He paused beside a tree, gazing up at the bright, pretty moon and finishing the last of his champagne.

_Just a couple more months and Yuuri and I will be celebrating our wedding in Denmark. While the marriage won’t be legal in Russia or Japan, it will be real enough to us. I’ve been thinking that Denmark might be a good place to settle down, once we’re ready to retire as skaters. Maybe, we can open in ice skating club of our own and train skaters there._

_It’s so strange. I used to be sad when I thought of the end of my skating career, but being with Yuuri has given me motivation to think more positively about the future. I may not be able to skate competitively for many more years, but I can certainly keep skating in exhibitions and training new skaters. It shouldn’t be too bad. In fact, being married to Yuuri and able to keep skating with him under any circumstances is enough for me._

_I love him so much._

_We’ve come such a long way from that day when he danced so scandalously with me after the Grand Prix Final, then grabbed me and asked me to be his coach. I still can’t believe he forgot afterward. No wonder he was so shocked when I showed up naked in the hot spring at his home._

_Yuuri is so cute._

The little snap of a twig made Victor’s head turn in the direction of the sound, but, seeing no one there, he turned his attention back to the moon and stars.

_Yuuri will look adorable in the suit we chose for him. And I’ve already contacted the ice rink, and found someone to officiate. Minako and Mari have done an amazing job, planning the details for the reception. It’s going to be the most beautiful day of our lives, and it’s so strange to think that just a couple of years ago, I had no idea that the cute anxious boy from Japan who failed in his first attempt at the Grand Prix Finals would steal my heart and make it into such a slave for him._

_I love getting to skate with Yuuri every day. I love living under the same roof with him, lying, cuddled up with him every night (He smells so good!) and waking up next to him every morning. I even love doing really normal things with Yuuri, like just lying around, reading, shopping or cooking with him. I never knew how having someone like him in my life would change it in the best possible ways._

Victor felt a man’s arm curl around his waist from behind, and he started to smile.

“Yuuri…”

But, he realized a moment later as the person’s other arm curled around his neck, that the feel of the person’s arms and his scent was wrong. He reacted quickly, grabbing his attacker’s clothed arm as it tightened around his throat and began to squeeze. His assailant surged forward, throwing him off balance as he tried to kick at the person’s legs. The two fell onto the ground, with the skater’s attacker straddling his back and tightening his hold until Victor’e head grew dizzy and his vision dimmed. He barely registered being thrown over, onto his back and only vaguely registered the scratching of the person’s fingernails on his bared skin as his clothing was torn away.

His head cleared slightly for a moment and he pushed up against the man on top of him, trying to make his voice sound, but the man’s hands swiftly wrapped around his throat, lifting his head slightly and slamming it down on the ground. Stars exploded across his field of vision and he couldn’t move as the physical attack became a sexual one. Only flashes came through after that. The other man’s scathing words, the sound of the man’s panting breaths, the sweet smell of crushed flowers, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth, the cold of the night finally reaching his bared skin. He wasn’t sure how long it lasted or how long he laid in the dirt, under the tree, staring sightlessly up into the starry sky.

When he could move again, he dragged himself into a seated position, grabbing at his clothes with shaky hands to cover himself. He looked around for the person who had been there and, seeing he was gone, Victor climbed onto shaky legs. He brushed the dirt and twigs from his clothes, shivering as he spotted blood on the front of his shirt. He felt very strongly that there was something he should do, but his still spinning and badly aching head couldn’t seem to focus. He heard voices coming in his direction and his heart started to race. He shrank back into the bushes, watching as a boy and girl walked past.

He heard more footsteps and watched as Yuuri and Phichit walked down the trail, looking around them questioningly.

“Chris said he saw Victor come this way,” Yuuri said anxiously, “I hope he’s okay. We’ve both had a lot to drink. He might’ve passed out or something.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll find him,” Phichit said reassuringly.

The two started forward again, and as they began to pass the place where Victor had concealed himself, he staggered out and threw his arms around his shocked lover.

“Yuuri!” he managed hoarsely.

“Victor!” Yuuri gasped, going pale, “What happened?”

“Jeez,” Phichit said worriedly, “you look bad. Did you get into a fight with someone?”

“Phichit, go and get that security guy!” Yuuri hissed, “Hurry!”

“No!” Victor panted, holding on to Yuuri with one hand and holding the other to his bruised throat, “J-just Yakov!”

“What?” Yuuri objected, “But someone attacked you!”

“Just Yakov!” Victor insisted, coughing and leaning heavily against Yuuri.

“Okay, just Yakov, for now.”

Yuuri watched as Phichit ran back down the trail, then he helped his injured lover to a nearby bench and eased him onto it.

“Where are you hurt?” he asked quickly, “Do you think anything is broken?”

“I…I don’t think so,” Victor answered, his voice still rough and hoarse, “although, I’m really dizzy and he did hit my head against the ground.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said, sliding his fingers into his shaken partner’s hair and feeling gently, “I do feel a bump here. We’ll get you some ice.”

Yuuri looked more closely, noticing then the missing buttons on Victor’s shirt and a few splotches of blood.

“Did you…know the person?” he asked carefully.

“I don’t know,” Victor managed in a whisper, “My head was fuzzy from lack of air, then being hit on the ground.”

“It’s also kind of dark out here.”

“Wh-where is Yakov?” Victor asked, burying his face in Yuuri’s shoulder, “Why isn’t he here yet?”

“He’ll come,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “You’re going to be fine…but Victor, I need you to tell me, were you just beat up, or were you also attacked sexually?”

“My head hurts so bad, Yuuri!”

“I know. We’ll get ice for that. It’ll be okay.”

“Where is Yakov?” Victor asked more insistently.

“He’s coming. He’s right there.”

Victor nodded briefly and freed himself from Yuuri’s arms as Yakov reached them, panting as he sat down on Victor’s other side and asked a few quick questions.

“What happened, Vitya?”

“I don’t know. A man…came behind me and wrapped an arm around my throat. I couldn’t b-breathe and I got so dizzy. I try to fight, but he hit my head on the ground.”

“You probably have a concussion,” Yakov said, checking the bump on his head, “Your eyes look a little strange.”

The three looked up as Phichit arrived alongside a man in a security uniform, who carried an ice pack in his hand.

“I said just Yakov!” Victor gasped, cringing, “I don’t want…”

“It’s okay,” the security guard assured him, handing the ice pack to Yakov and watching as the elder man applied it to the bump on the back of the Russian skater’s head, “My partner’s not letting anyone else out here. We just told everyone there was a maintenance issue in the garden and we had to close it. We have privacy. Can you tell me what happened?”

“He said a man attacked him from behind and choked him, then knocked him down and hit his head on the ground,” Yakov explained.

The security guard nodded, then looked into Victor’s distressed eyes.

“Is that all that happened? He hit you and knocked you down? Beat you up some? Or, Mr. Nikiforov, I’m sorry for having to ask…were you sexually assaulted?”

Yuuri felt a painful tightness strike his insides at the look of agony that flashed on Victor’s face as he stiffened, then forced out his answer.

“Yes.”


	2. Yesterday and Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Victor endures a rape examination, he realizes who he needs at his side.

**( _I crashed to the ground and shattered like crystal, the pieces spreading out in waves all around us…but although they saw me start to fall and they know I hit the ground, the little broken pieces elude their desperately searching eyes.)_**

“Victor Nikiforov?” a matronly nurse with short, curly grey hair inquired of the three men sitting in a private waiting area of the hospital.

Victor stood and started to speak, but he paused as he noticed Yuuri had risen with him. He turned to his worried partner and took his hands.

“Yuuri, why don’t you wait here, with Yakov?”

Yuuri looked from Victor to the waiting nurse, who gave them a gentle smile.

“It’s fine if you would like Mr. Katsuki or Mr. Feltsman to accompany you, Mr. Nikiforov,” she said encouragingly, “Whatever makes you feel most comfortable.”

Victor considered for a moment, then shook his head firmly.

“I’m fine. I don’t need my hand held. Yuuri, please wait here with Yakov.”

“What?” Yuuri said, giving him a surprised look, “But Victor…”

“I told you, I can do it myself,” Victor said in that same, oddly calm, distant tone, “I am fine, Yuuri. I was just…still reacting before. I’m all right now.”

“The hell you are,” Yakov said in a low, slightly growling voice, “Vitya, we all know what just happened, and neither Yuuri nor I are going to believe that you are fine right now. You should let the boy go with you, at least, or you should let me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with letting one of us come with you,” Yuuri agreed, “and anyway, I want to be there for you.”

Victor looked back at him and gave him a little smile.

“Thank you, Yuuri, but I told you, I’d rather go in alone. Please, wait here with Yakov.”

Yuuri felt a little chill in his insides.

_Something feels really wrong about this. Victor was just raped, but he’s acting like he’s going in for a check up. He’s not just calm, he’s too calm…so calm it’s scary!_

_What can I do?_

He wanted to argue, but he knew from looking at his lover’s set expression that Victor wasn’t going to change his mind. He sighed softly and sat back down.

“Okay,” he said softly, “whatever you think is best.”

“Thank you, Yuuri.”

Yakov crossed his arms, glaring disapprovingly as Victor followed the nurse through a white door that closed and clicked shut behind them.

“He’s not himself at all,” Yakov growled unhappily, “Vitya knows better than this. The last thing he should be doing is isolating himself.”

Yuuri sighed anxiously and gazed at the closed white door.

“Victor’s worried about scaring me,” he concluded, “He’s so concerned with that, that he isn’t thinking clearly about what just happened to him.”

“He’s still drunk and he’s in shock,” Yakov sighed, shaking his head, “I suppose he can’t be blamed for not being able to make a rational decision.”

“But despite being drunk and in shock, he _sounds_ perfectly rational. That’s what makes it so scary.”

“He is in survival mode right now,” Yakov reasoned, “He will sober up and the reality will set in. We will have to watch him closely, Yuuri. He may have just survived this attack, but it is going to leave marks on him. Since you live with Vitya, when you go home, you will have to stay very close to him, no matter if he tries to push you away or hide his pain from you.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, sliding down a little in his seat and glaring intently at the white door, “I know.”

The old nurse led Victor down a hallway lined with examination rooms.

“Are you sure that you don’t want one of your friends to accompany you?” the nurse asked, “It seemed like perhaps you might have wanted Mr. Katsuki to come with you, but you looked conflicted.”

“I don’t want Yuuri to have to see this,” Victor admitted softly, keeping his eyes focused on the floor in front of them, “He is worried enough about me.”

The nurse smiled sadly.

“It is kind of you, and it’s brave of you to want to protect him,” she answered, “but don’t forget that you have needs too. If, at any time, you want me to bring him, all you have to do is ask.”

“Thank you.”

The nurse led him on to one of the rooms at the end of the hall, and he followed her inside, silently noting the softer lighting inside, the change from the bright white color of the hallway outside to the gentle, warm tones within the room. The nurse waited as he entered, then she closed the door behind them.

“Victor,” she said calmly, looking up into his weary looking eyes, “my name is Raya. I am a nurse, and I am going to be preparing you for the examination and collection of evidence. Before we begin, I need to know that you are aware of who I am and what kind of examination this is. I know you have said you were drinking tonight before the incident took place. Can you tell me how much alcohol you consumed?”

“I was drinking champagne,” Victor answered, “I’m not sure, but I think five or six glasses.”

“And that took place in the course of how long?”

“I don’t know…an hour and a half, I think.”

“Can you state your name for me?”

“Victor Nikiforov.”

“And how old are you, Victor?”

“I am twenty-nine.”

“Are you aware right now of where you are and why?”

“I am at the hospital because…”

Victor paused and swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Sorry.”

“There’s no rush,” the nurse said soothingly, “Take your time.”

Victor nodded and took a steadying breath.

“I’m here because I was attacked at the banquet.”

“Thank you, Victor,” the nurse said, smiling encouragingly, “Why don’t you have a seat on the examination table for a moment while we talk, okay?”

Victor nodded and sat down.

“Before we begin the examination,” the nurse went on, “I need to ask you to sign a consent form that will give our staff your permission to conduct a full medical examination to assist us in caring for you, and also to collect evidence that might be present on your clothing or body. You are not required to have an examination, but it is strongly recommended for your safety and well-being. All of the medical procedures will be fully explained to you beforehand, and you can, at any time, refuse them. If you need to stop or pause the examination, just inform whoever is conducting it, and we will respect your decision. The procedures we are offering you have been chosen because they will result in you receiving the care you need and also the legal recourse for any crime that has been committed against you. If you decide to pursue legal recourse, the information will be shared with law enforcement agencies. In the course of a trial, the information could be made public. Every effort will, of course, be made to ensure your privacy. Given that, will you give your consent for the examination, Victor?”

“Yes.”

He accepted the form from the nurse and signed without hesitation.

“Thank you, Victor,” Raya said, accepting the form back from him, then laying it on a nearby table, “Now, before the examination, I will need to have you undress, and as you do, I will be collecting any evidence that may be attached. With your permission, I will also take an oral swab and I will remove material from under your fingernails. This will help to possibly identify the person who left this evidence. Do you feel comfortable allowing me to collect this evidence?”

Victor sighed resignedly.

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“Thank you. Can you tell me, were you wearing a suit jacket tonight?”

“Oh, yes. I must have left it in the waiting area.”

“Okay, I’ll go and get it while the doctor is with you,” Raya assured him, “I’m going to take the oral swab first.”

Victor nodded briefly, cooperating wordlessly, then he looked at the nurse silently, waiting for her next instruction.

“I will need to touch your hands and wrists, so that I can remove any evidence from underneath your fingernails. I can see your wrists are bruised, so I will try to avoid the painful places.”

“Okay,” Victor answered woodenly.

He sat, quietly watching as the nurse took one hand and scraped carefully under each fingernail, then she moved to the other and repeated the process.

“Now, I’ll need you to stand, and as you remove your clothing, I will examine it for evidence. If, at any time, you want me to stop, just tell me, and I will.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine with this,” Victor said, an edge of impatience leaking into his voice.

He paused, seeming to realize he was beginning to feel angry.

“Sorry,” he apologized, “I’m just…tired, and this…”

Raya nodded and smiled sadly.

“I know,” she sympathized, I will try to work quickly, so that we can get you back home as soon as possible, all right?”

“Okay.”

Victor cooperated wordlessly, removing each item and waiting as the nurse looked it over, removed any unusual fibers or noting the presence of any fluids. As she finished with his shirt and undershirt, she paused and handed him a surprisingly soft, white robe.

“You can put this on while we finish.”

“Thank you, Raya,” Victor replied, gratefully accepting the robe.

He wrapped it around himself, leaving the front open, then he continued removing the clothes from his waist down.

“You can tie that closed and have a seat on the examination table now,” Raya said, when she was finished, “Doctor Martov will be in with you in just a moment to conduct the rest of the examination. He is a doctor with…”

“Raya,” Victor said, stopping her, “I would prefer a female doctor.”

“Okay,” the nurse answered in an unsurprised tone, “I don’t know if we have a female doctor available, but I may be able to have a nurse practitioner do the examination.”

“No, you know what? It’s fine,” Victor said, shifting anxiously, “I just want to get it over with. Just…the male doctor is okay.”

Raya moved closer, laying a hand on his, gently.

“Victor, you don’t need to feel rushed, and if you feel more comfortable with a female doctor, that is completely understandable, It’s perfectly reasonable.”

“I just want this to be over with,” the skater complained, “I’ve just competed in a major competition, and I’m exhausted! I’ll do whatever you want. It’s fine. I just want it to be over.”

He loosed a ragged sigh and deflated.

“I just want it never to have happened.”

The old nurse nodded and squeezed his hand.

“I wish that this had never happened to you,” she assured him, “It’s reasonable for you to want to get through this as soon as possible, and I know you want to get out of here. We will release you as soon as we can, but we want to be sure that you are all right, and that critical information is preserved.”

Victor sucked in a shaky breath, his eyes tearing in the corners.

“I don’t think you will be able to do anything,” he whispered dejectedly, “I was drunk and he hit my head on the ground. I never saw his face! And…I don’t know for sure, but…I think that…he used…ah…”

“It’s okay, Victor,” Raya assured him, “There are all kinds of evidence that can be useful in your case. I know you’re tired, and you’ve been through something painful and frightening. Just let me reassure you that everything we are doing here is important to your care and to making sure that the person who hurt you is apprehended.”

Victor’s head tilted and his tormented eyes met hers skeptically.

“Do you really think you are going to catch a person whose face I didn’t see, and who didn’t leave his semen on me?” he asked shakily.

Raya’s gentle smile warmed and she surprised him with a little pat on his face.

“You would be surprised at how much science has improved,” she said encouragingly, “The thing that catches your attacker could be very small, and even something nobody expects, like a few strands of hair, a little sample of blood, or some stray skin cells. Everyone here wants to see that justice gets done. If you will hang in there with us for a little longer, we’ll do our very best to help you with that.”

“Well, I’m not convinced there will be anything you can do…except maybe give me something for my headache.”

“That’s right. You said that he hit your head on the ground. Let me have a look at you for a moment. Turn your head for me.”

She felt the back of the skater’s head carefully.

“Ah, I do feel that.”

She turned away for a few moments, searching in one of the drawers in the cabinet, behind her, then she returned with a fresh ice pack.

“Hold that on there,” she directed him, leaning forward and studying his eyes, “Looks like you have a moderate concussion. I’ll make the doctor aware. I wish I could offer you some pain relief, but it needs to wait just a little longer, until the full examination is done.”

“Eh,” Victor sighed resignedly, “it’s not horrible painful. It’s more of a nagging pain.”

The nurse gave him a little smirk.

“A nagging pain?” she repeated, “Like old Nurse Raya?”

Victor let out a small, sobbing laugh, then he flinched and his eyes misted. Raya took his hands in hers and kept eye contact as he struggled to regain control enough to speak.

“Victor, are you sure that you don’t want Mr. Katsuki with you?” Raya asked again, “I know you said that you don’t want him to see you this way, but right now, we have to think about what _you_ need to make you feel safe and comforted. I could see that the two of you seem very close.”

“Yuuri is the other half of me,” Victor confessed, “We’ve become so involved that I wouldn’t know how to live without him.”

“Then, shouldn’t the other half of yourself be here with you, supporting you?”

Victor hesitated for several long moments, then he loosed a weary breath and nodded.

“I do want him here,” he said softly…then, he reconsidered, “No, I _need_ Yuuri to be with me. Are you sure it’s not selfish to need that?”

“No, honey, of course it’s not selfish,” Raya said reassuringly, “and Yuuri wants very much to be here for you. Just give me a moment, and I’ll have him brought back.”

She picked up an in house phone and pushed several buttons.

“Gina, please bring Mr. Katsuki to exam room 9…oh, and do you know if Doctor Clay has arrived?”

Raya paused, listening, then she smiled and nodded.

“Good, please tell her that her patient is ready for his examination.”

She hung up the phone and gave Victor a nod.

“Mr. Katsuki is coming back, and there is a female doctor who just arrived, who can finish the examination. Now, is there anything else I can do for you before I turn the examination over to Doctor Clay?”

Victor let out a shaky breath and nodded, offering the surprised nurse a tentative hug.

“You can accept my thanks,” he answered gratefully, “I don’t know what to do, but it’s like you know, and you help me to understand.”

The old nurse hugged him back tightly, then stepped away as the door opened and Yuuri entered the room, wearing a harried expression.

“Victor!” he exclaimed, “The nurse out there said that you asked for me?”

“Yes,” Victor answered, placing shaky arms around his lover and loosing a ragged sigh as Yuuri returned the gesture, “I am sorry I didn’t let you in before. I just don’t like to distress you…and I wasn’t sure I…”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said with quiet determination, “I’m here for you, Victor. I’m going to stay with you through your examination, then I’m going to help you figure out who did this and make him pay!”


	3. The Humiliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles through a physical examination of his injuries.

Victor shivered involuntarily as a tap sounded on the exam room door, and a middle-aged woman with dark hair and gentle brown eyes, entered the room. Raya smiled and greeted her.

“Doctor Clay, this is Victor Nikiforov, who you will be examining, and his fiancé, Yuuri Katsuki. I’ve completed a preliminary assessment for Victor, and I’ve explained what you will be doing in the in-depth examination. Victor has signed the consent form and is ready for further examination.”

“Thank you, Raya,” Doctor Clay said, nodding.

She extended a hand to Victor, then to Yuuri in greeting.

“Victor, Yuuri, I’m Doctor Clay. I will be taking care of Victor tonight. I am sorry that our meeting is under these circumstances. Let me assure both of you that I will do my best to see that any evidence is properly collected and preserved so that law enforcement will have the best possible chance of identifying the perpetrator.”

“I’m grateful for that,” Victor sighed, “but honestly, I don’t see how you’ll ever be able to identify him. He incapacitated me so quickly that I wasn’t able to get a look at him. Also, I’m pretty sure that he used a condom when he…attacked me.”

“It’s okay,” the doctor assured him, “There still may be traces of blood, semen or hairs deposited on your body that can be used. We are not out of options.”

“Oh, that is good to hear.”

“While I am conducting your examination, I will be documenting your injuries with a camera that is on the light I am using. The pictures would be used to document the injuries in case of a trial. Is it all right with you for me to use the camera to take photographic evidence?”

“Yes.”

Nurse Raya handed Victor a paper lap cover.

“I will need you to open your robe and place the cover over your lap,” Doctor Clay explained, “You’ll need to place your feet in the stirrups and slide your bottom down to the edge for the examination.”

Victor’s jaw clenched, but he managed a short nod as he complied. Yuuri remained at his fiancé’s side, holding Victor’s hand as the doctor worked.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri whispered, “Your hand is shaking.”

“I’m all right,” Victor whispered back, “just a little nervous. I’m glad you’re here, Yuuri.”

“Where else would I be?”

The two fell silent as Raya joined the doctor, who moved in close and began to give a softly voiced description of the skater’s injuries to her companion to record.

“There is significant bruising of the thighs and minor bruising of the genitals.”

She paused for a moment.

“Victor, I apologize for having to ask, but you reported that your attacker penetrated your anus?”

Victor flinched visibly and closed his eyes for a moment before answering.

“Y-yes.”

“What did he use in the penetration? Did he use any foreign objects? Fingers? Or did he just penetrate you with his penis?”

Registering that he hadn’t answered, Raya exchanged glances with the doctor and moved to Victor’s other side, where she took his hand and looked into his tortured eyes.

“I’m so sorry for the invasive questions, dear,” she apologized, “We only ask because we need to know what kind of evidence to look for in the examination. I know this is difficult.”

“It’s okay,” Victor managed, regaining a bit of composure, “He only used his penis.”

“You said that you think he used a condom?” Doctor Clay asked, “What led you to that conclusion?”

“I…ah…I caught the scent, and when he penetrated, it felt a little cool when it touched me first.”

“Thank you, Victor,” the doctor said, touching his inner thigh gently, “I’m going to be examining the area of penetration now. You will feel a little pressure and my fingers. If anything I do causes you too much stress or if you feel too much pain, I want you to tell me right away, and I will stop. Are you all right with me continuing right now?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, Victor.”

Victor’s hands tightened on Yuuri’s and Raya’s and he sucked in a sharp breath as the doctor’s warm, gloved and lubricated fingers touched him.

“Are you all right, Victor?” Doctor Clay asked, pausing.

“F-fine, just…nervous,” Victor admitted, “It’s all right. Go ahead.”

His blue-green eyes narrowed and misted and his jaw clenched as the invasive touches and embarrassing questions continued. The doctor kept her voice soft and her touches gentle as she worked, first examining the injured skater’s genital area, then moving on to slowly search his body from head to toe for other evidence. By the time the questions and the search of his body were completed, Victor felt too exhausted to be nervous, and he lingered on the edges of sleep.

“I think I have everything I need,” Doctor Clay said finally, helping Victor to sit up slowly, “Nurse Raya will show you to where you can shower, and there are some clothes for after. You just need to give Nurse Raya your size for everything.”

“Thank you,” Victor sighed wearily.

“We will be forwarding our findings to the authorities, so you will hear from them about your case.”

The doctor paused, looking quietly at Victor.

“I’ve examined your head injury and the bruising around your throat area, and although I know that you really want to go back to your hotel tonight, I have to recommend a night of observation. I am recommending it because of the possibility of complications that could arise from either of those injuries. I feel it would be safest for you to be here, where you will be monitored through the night. We would release you in the morning, provided that all is well. Why don’t you and Yuuri talk it over while you bathe and dress?”

Victor looked ready to argue, but he felt Yuuri’s hand squeeze his, and only nodded again briefly. The doctor exited the room, and Raya led Victor and Yuuri to a private shower. She inquired about the Russian skater’s clothing sizes, then left for a short time, returning a few minutes later with a fresh set of clothes that she placed in Victor’s hands.

“Take your time showering, and we can meet to discuss admission to the hospital after,” she directed him.

“Thank you, Raya,” Victor answered quietly.

He waited until she left, then he turned to face his silently waiting fiancé.

“Will you come in with me, Yuuri?” he requested, “If you don’t mind, I’d like to have you bathe me.”

“Of course,” Yuuri agreed, joining him in the dressing area.

The two men disrobed and stepped in under the hot spray together. Victor pulled Yuuri up close against him, and his younger partner burrowed carefully into his shoulder, closing his eyes, so as not to see the ugly bruises around Victor’s graceful throat.

_For just a moment, I need to feel Victor’s arms around me and remember what it was like before someone hurt him so badly._

_It’s selfish, but…I need it._

Victor kept his eyes closed and buried his nose in Yuuri’s damp hair, breathing in his scent.

_This place is home._

_Whatever happened, I feel safe here._

_After this humiliation, I don’t know how I will change, but I do know this is still home._

He stepped back slightly, looking down into Yuuri’s worried eyes and he gave his fiancé a tired smile.

“Go ahead, Yuuri.”

“Are you sure?” Yuuri asked softly, “I’d understand if you didn’t want…”

“It’s fine. I know your hands will never hurt me. Go ahead, Yuuri.”

Victor closed his eyes again and leaned against his slighter mate, sighing at the warm, familiar feel of his lover’s hands as they ran slowly over his muscular shoulders and ran down his back, massaging the tired muscles and scraping fingernails lightly over the pale flesh. He carefully avoided his traumatized partner’s bruised throat and private areas, focusing his effort on comforting and soothing away the hurt. His heart ached fiercely and his eyes filled with tears as Victor offered him a tender kiss on the mouth.

“Thank you, Yuuri.”

He carefully tended to the bruised areas, himself, then he rinsed himself thoroughly. They lingered under the falling water, breathing slowly and trying to pretend it was just another night, that they were safe at home, that they were still the same as ever. But when Victor finally turned the water off, they were brought back to the confines of a foreign hospital, thousands of miles from home, and irrevocably changed by what had happened.

Victor waited silently as Yuuri’s hands rubbed a warm, soft towel all over him, then he nuzzled Yuuri’s cheek and turned away to dress.

_This isn’t home, or even a place I’ve ever been before tonight, and I hope I’m never here again. These clothes aren’t mine. I don’t like the way they feel. I feel different, wearing them. I want to go home to Saint Petersburg. No way do I want to sleep in a hospital bed in this place I don’t know. Maybe they are right that I should…but goddamn it, I just want to go home!_

“Victor?” Yuuri called softly.

He turned his eyes onto his anxious partner, giving him a little, encouraging smile.

“What is it, Yuuri?”

“I’m wondering what you want to do about tonight. Will you stay here, like the doctor recommended?”

Victor loosed a ragged sigh.

“I don’t want to,” he complained, “I really want to go home to Saint Petersburg now.”

“I know, but…I’m really worried about what could happen to you. I don’t know what I’d do if it got bad and we weren’t here, where there are people who know how to handle those kinds of injuries, you know?”

“I understand,” Victor assured his unnerved partner, “I wasn’t saying that I would insist on leaving, I was only telling you what I feel. I will stay, but I don’t like that I have to.”

Yuuri smiled back, but tears welled up in his eyes and he hugged Victor tightly.

“I’m glad you’re going to stay here tonight, Victor. I’ll stay with you every second, and as soon as the doctor says it’s okay, we’ll go home, all right?”

“All right, Yuuri.”

He rubbed his warm cheek against Yuuri’s damp one.

“Don’t cry, Yuuri,” he whispered, “The important thing is that we are both still here, alive and breathing. We have to be grateful for that.”

“That’s right,” Yuuri agreed, reaching up to touch very light fingertips to the bruising on his taller partner’s throat, “He could have killed you.”

“If he had wanted that, yes,” Victor agreed, “or if he had tightened his arm any more than he did. There was nothing I could do. I reacted as soon as I realized what was happening, but his hold on me was already too tight. I got so dizzy. He let go, and I tried again to fight him, but he slammed my head against the ground and I couldn’t move at all after that.”

“Oh god, Victor!” Yuuri gasped, closing his eyes against the words.

“I don’t remember much after that,” Victor went on, “Just flashes…bits here or there. When I could move again, I just wanted to find you, but I don’t want anyone else to look at me. Only you.”

“I’m here now,” Yuuri said, hugging Victor comfortingly, “I’m going to stay with you.”

“I’m glad,” Victor sighed, his eyes softening and misting, “I want to tell you that I don’t need you to do that, that you should go and rest, that I will be fine. But…I don’t feel fine. I feel barely anything at all…just weak.”

Tears filled the corners of his eyes.

“Is that why, then? Is that why I was so easily overcome? Because I was weak?”

“No,” Yuuri said firmly, “No way! Victor, you aren’t a weak person. This guy crept up behind you and surprised you, because he knew…”

“He knew that I was drunk,” Victor said, his voice shaking.

“He was a coward who couldn’t overcome you without sneaking up on you when you were not expecting it. None of us who were there last night ever thought something like that was going to happen. There was no way you could know, and you did your best to fight him off. He’s the one who did something wrong. He’s the one at fault, Victor, not you! Don’t blame yourself for this.”

“I guess that I don’t really, but in my head I keep wondering if there was something I could have done differently.”

“Stop. Don’t do that to yourself. There was nothing you could have done.”

“How do you _know_?” Victor asked stridently, “How do _I_ know? Is there even a way to know for sure?”

“I know and you should know it too,” Yuuri insisted, “There was nothing you could have done. You didn’t do a thing wrong.”

He slipped a hand into Victor’s.

“C’mon now, let’s get you checked in for the night.”

The two men exited the bathing room and found Raya waiting for them in the hallway. She gave Victor a warm, bracing smile.

“You look much better now. Have you and Yuuri come to a decision about whether you will stay tonight?”

“We have,” Victor confirmed, “I’ve decided to stay for the observation, but I want a private room. I only want Yuuri and Yakov to come in.”

“Fair enough,” the nurse agreed, “I’ll take you to Admissions.”

Victor followed the nurse, with Yuuri at his side. She led them to a nearby office, where the elder skater completed the necessary forms, then the nurse who had been with him since his arrival, helped him settle into his room, before saying a quiet farewell.

“Nurse Wellings will be watching over you tonight,” Raya informed them, “She will take good care of you.”

“Thank you, Raya,” Victor said, hugging the old nurse, “I appreciate you staying with me through all of this.”

“You’ve been really good to both Victor and to me,” Yuuri added, “Thank you.”

“I wish we could have met under better circumstances,” Raya said sadly, “I will be checking up on you. You don’t give the nurse’s here too much trouble, dear.”

“I won’t,” Victor promised, managing a little smile.

They watched the nurse leave, then Victor laid back against his pillows, sighing wearily.

“I don’t know if I can sleep,” he said softly.

Yuuri sat down in a chair by the bed and rested his head on his fiancé’s shoulder, sliding a hand into Victor’s.

“Just close your eyes and breathe slowly,” Yuuri whispered, “I’ll stay right here.”

“Oh, Yuuri, I forgot all about Yakov!”

“Oh right!” Yuuri exclaimed, “I should go and tell him that you’re staying. Will you be all right until I get back?”

“Yes, Yuuri. It shouldn’t be long, and they’re going to bring me some medication anyway soon. Go ahead.”

Yuuri hurried out of the hospital and back to the private waiting area, where he found Yakov sitting in the same chair he had been. As Yuuri arrived, he stood and asked a flurry of quick questions.

“Where is Vitya? Did he do all right in the examination?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri assured the old Russian coach, “They decided to admit him for the night, so we’re going to stay here, then probably go home tomorrow.”

Yuuri made a sound of surprise as Yakov shook his head firmly.

“Vitya cannot return to Saint Petersburg right now.”

“What? Why not?” Yuuri asked, staring at the old man.

He stiffened as Yakov showed him the screen of his cell phone.

“Oh my god!” he gasped.

“The bastard who did this to Vitya posted these photos of the attack, and they’ve gone viral. You can’t let him see this, Yuuri. If Vitya sees this, it will destroy him!”


	4. Let My Love Shield You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Yakov fight to protect Victor as he travels to Japan.

“I don’t believe this!” Yuuri hissed furiously, glaring at the screen of Yakov’s phone, “How could someone _do_ something like that? It’s just…disgusting!”

“It’s horrible,” Yakov agreed, touching a button to make the awful images disappear.

His face reflected a measure of guilt as he witnessed the agony in Yuuri’s expression.

“I am sorry you had to see that. Seeing something like that done to him. It can’t be easy for you, being Vitya’s lover.”

“No, it’s not,” Yuuri agreed in a low, angry voice, “But I had to see it. I need to know everything that’s going on, so I can protect Victor.”

“I don’t know how much you will be able to do,” Yakov worried, “Vitya will ask for his phone, and whatever excuse you make, he will soon leave the hospital and learn of it anyway. You can’t stall forever.”

“I know,” Yuuri assured him, “I’m not going to be able to keep Victor from learning about this. But…maybe I can give him a safe place where he can recover.”

Yakov looked at Yuuri questioningly.

“You will take him back to Japan with you?” he asked.

Yuuri nodded.

“That’s exactly what I’ll do. I know that in Japan, I can give Victor what he needs. I can give him a quiet place where he can recover in peace. I can give him safety and shield him from the worst of what’s being passed around. Whatever Victor needs, I will be there for him. I owe him.”

Yuuri paused and his hands clenched and quivered with determination.

“No, I don’t just owe him, I love him with everything that’s in me. I love Victor, and I’m going to take care of him, and I’ll make sure that the person who hurt him never hurts anyone again!”

Yakov gave him a look of approval.

“Good boy. You go to him now. Stay by his side. I will make the arrangements for the two of you to leave as soon as Vitya is released.”

“Won’t the media pick up the information, now that there’s a viral post?” Yuuri asked anxiously, “Will we even be able to leave the hospital without it becoming a media circus?”

“The hospital will be discreet. Where we need to worry about media is at the hotel and airport. But, you leave it to me to worry about that. You focus on Vitya. Make him your only priority!”

“I will!” Yuuri resolved.

“I will contact you once all of the arrangements are made. It will be up to you to convince Vitya not to return to Saint Petersburg now.”

“I’ll convince him. Just please make sure that our decision to go to Japan is kept quiet.”

Yuuri watched as the Russian coach left, then he walked back through the hallways, his mind tortured with the stark images of his lover being abused by a vicious madman.

_It makes me sick to my stomach to know how that beast mistreated Victor. To think of him stalking Victor as we all laughed and drank and danced together. To know those wicked eyes were watching him with evil intent. To know how he waited until Victor was alone and enjoying a peaceful moment under the stars…then to shatter him with such violence as I can only imagine because I laid eyes on those images. I’ve never felt a rage like the one inside me now. I want to know who did this. I want to find him and see that he pays for what he’s done. That he would touch Victor’s body without consent, that he would leave the marks of his hatred on Victor…that is a crime that I can never, ever forgive!_

Yuuri realized suddenly that he had reached Victor’s room, and he stood just outside the door, struggling to hold down the swell of deep anger that burned his insides. He forced an encouraging smile onto his lips and entered the room and found his fiancé sitting up, resting against several pillows and looking quietly straight ahead. A little chill went through him as he waited, but Victor didn’t move or acknowledge him in any way.

“Victor?” he called softly.

_He wasn’t like that when I left the room._

He moved closer, reaching out to curve a palm around Victor’s soft cheek. At his touch, Victor closed his eyes and leaned into his lover’s touch, but he said nothing in response. A moment later, a tear leaked from one closed eye and ran down his face.

“Victor?” Yuuri said more urgently, “Victor, why won’t you answer me?”

A nurse, attracted by his cries, entered the room, wearing a look of concern.

“Is something wrong, Mr. Katsuki?” she asked.

“Nurse Wellington, Victor stopped talking to me! He was okay when I left to go and tell his coach how he was doing, but when I came back, he was like this!”

It was at that moment Yuuri spotted the TV remote resting on the bed beside Victor’s pale hand, and he registered that the set was on, and broadcasting local and international news.

“He must have seen an upsetting report on TV!” Yuuri concluded, “When I left, I didn’t know, but the person who attacked Victor posted pictures of the attack on social media. Victor must have seen a news report that was talking about it. What do we do?”

The nurse picked up the remote and quietly turned off the set, then she moved closer to the Russian skater, laying a hand on his arm and looking into his frightfully empty eyes.

“Mr. Nikiforov,” she said loudly, “Victor?”

Victor remained silent, his expression set. He showed no sign of resistance or response as the nurse placed her hands on either side of his face and called to him again. Yuuri watched in dismay as the nurse summoned the doctor on duty, who conducted another examination, then motioned for Yuuri to join him at the unresponsive skater’s side.

“Doctor Kendall,” Yuuri said anxiously, “what’s happening to Victor? Is this because of shock? Is it stress? What can we do?”

“It does seem that Victor is responding to something that has caused him great emotional upset. This is making him withdraw to some extent, but I don’t want you to worry unnecessarily. Despite the withdrawal of speech and response, Victor is reactive to stimulus. This leads me to believe that he is merely needing some time to process everything that has happened. Victor has suffered a violent physical and sexual assault, as well as the necessary, but exhausting and humiliating examination that followed. And Nurse Wellington told me that just prior to this, you reported he may have learned that picture evidence from the assault has been leaked onto social media, causing him even more distress. It’s completely understandable that this is shattering for him, and he will need time to come to terms with all of it.”

“But, what can I do? I want to help Victor. I understand if he needs to process things, but how can I support him while he does that?”

The doctor smiled gently and took Yuuri’s hand in his.

“If you want to help Victor, stay close to him. Sit quietly with him and hold his hand. You can even talk to him encouragingly, but don’t push for a response. Let him know you understand he’s being quiet and withdrawn so that he can work through everything, and that you are going to be there with him, every step of the way. Just keep encouraging him and look out for him. I am sure that this episode is temporary.”

“But, what if it’s not?”

“Try to focus on the here and now,” the doctor encouraged him, “One step at a time. Victor has suffered several enormous shocks. Something like this is not at all unexpected after something like that.”

“All right,” Yuuri sighed, returning to Victor and sitting down beside him.

Yuuri made a sound of surprise as his silent lover turned suddenly and wrapped shaky arms around him, holding on tightly as he buried his face in Yuuri’s shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay,” Yuuri whispered into his ear as the doctor and nurse exchanged glances and slipped out of the room, “Yakov is going to make sure that no one bothers us as we leave the hospital, and to avoid the press, we won’t go back to Saint Petersburg right away. We’ll go to Hasetsu and stay at my folks’ hot spring inn for awhile. Is that okay with you, Victor?”

Victor didn’t answer aloud, but nodded into Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Yuuri said in a low, soothing voice, “just try to rest now. You need to sleep, so that they’ll release you in the morning.”

He felt a tug on his arm and climbed carefully onto the bed, curling up with his distressed partner and holding him quietly as Victor calmed in stages and finally began to drift off. But while Victor managed a fitful sleep, Yuuri’s dark brown eyes remained opened, and anger billowed up inside him.

_I’ve never known anyone cruel like that, a person who would attack someone like Victor was attacked, and who would make it worse by bragging about it to the world! Something like that can’t be random. I think this is someone with a connection to Victor. And once Victor is taken care of, and he’s recovering, we’re going after this creep! Whoever it is, he is going to be very sorry he hurt Victor!_

The rest of the night, Yuuri didn’t close his eyes at all. He rested quietly at Victor’s side, holding his fiancé’s hand and soothing him when he woke, shaking and looking briefly panicked until he realized where he was. He helped his heartsick partner to the bathroom, then back into bed. When dawn came, he watched as the doctor returned to briefly examine the injured skater.

“I don’t see any signs that the concussion or the injury through his throat is becoming problematic. I feel it’s safe now to release him.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Yuuri said gratefully.

“Has he spoken to you yet?” the doctor asked.

“No, not yet,” Yuuri sighed.

“Well, it hasn’t been but one night, so let’s give him some more time to process. I’ve forwarded information about his condition to the doctor in Hasetsu that you suggested. She will be caring for his medical needs and setting up counseling for him.”

“Thank you. Victor and I are grateful.”

“I’m glad I could help in some way, and I am deeply sorry that Victor was hurt.”

The doctor left the two young men in the care of the discharge nurse, who gave them instructions for Victor’s care, then turned them over to an orderly, who waited as Victor changed into a set of clothes that Yakov had retrieved from the hotel, then brought a wheelchair and took them to the back of the facility, where Yakov waited for them in a dark colored sedan that carried them to the airport.

“I brought all of your things and checked you out of the hotel,” Yakov explained.

“Thank you,” Yuuri said gratefully.

“Did you call your parents?”

“I called this morning. They’ll have everything ready when we arrive. They are preparing the room Victor stayed in before, and I’ve set up an appointment with our family’s doctor. She’s going to look after Victor during his recovery, and she’s going to also refer him to a counselor in Hasetsu.”

“That is good.”

Yakov turned his attention to Victor, who sat between the two in the back seat of the sedan, looking silently down where his hands rested in his lap.

“Vitya, I am sorry this happened to you,” he said solemnly, “I want you to go to Hasetsu and stay with Yuuri. Focus on getting well. If you want to train there for awhile, once you are well, I can be in contact with you from Russia to go over everything with you. But, don’t worry about any of that right now. Just put everything out of your mind and rest.”

Victor’s head turned slightly, so that he caught the older man’s eye, and he nodded briefly.

“To throw off the media,” Yakov went on, “I leaked that Vitya was expected to return to Saint Petersburg this afternoon. That should mean that we’ll be fine going out this morning. They won’t be expecting us there. But even if the media is not there, you should expect that _someone_ will recognize the two of you, and by the time your plane lands, people will know where you are going.”

“We’ll be fine, once we get to Hasetsu,” Yuuri said confidently, “The people in my hometown love Victor. The one good thing about them knowing what happened, is that they will rally around him and protect him from being bothered by anyone. Trust me, this is the best place for Victor to be right now.”

“I hope you are right. I would say that the boy should be with his family, but Vitya and his family are not close. I was as much a father figure for him, growing up, as I was a coach…not that telling him to do anything ever meant that he listened to me. But there was familial love, and that’s what Vitya needs right now.”

Yuuri gave Yakov a little smile and a nod.

“There’s no question that you have always been there for Victor. He’s always telling me that even though you yell at him all of the time, he feels closer to you than his own family. My parents love Victor too, and when he was there before, they took him into the family and really started to see him like their own son.”

“That is good. Vitya needs family around him.”

Yakov gave Victor a look of mock sternness.

“Just don’t you get too used to being spoiled. Eventually, you have to come back to Saint Petersburg, and when you do, I won’t go easy on you.”

Victor smiled and turned to hug the elder man affectionately, his actions speaking without him saying a word.

_Thank you, Yakov. It’s good to know you are always there for me._

The car pulled into the airport entry, and dropped the three off in the departure area. Yakov gave Victor a final hug, then took his suitcase and headed for his departure gate.

“We’re this way,” Yuuri said, leading Victor in the other direction, “You know, when I told my mother that we were coming home, she was really happy. I mean, she was upset that you were hurt, but she can’t wait to spoil you to death. Dad too. I’m sure that they’ll roll out the red carpet for both of us.”

The two young men checked in at the ticket counter, then headed through security and to their departure gate.

“I’m glad we don’t have long to wait,” Yuuri sighed, sitting down in one of the seats.

He tried not to notice the looks that they were getting from the other people gathered to board the flight to Japan.

“Isn’t that Victor Nikiforov?” one whispered to another.

“I heard he was going back to Saint Petersburg.”

“I’m surprised that he looks so good after what I heard.”

“When does he not look good.”

“Eh, do you maybe want to wait somewhere else?” Yuuri asked.

“Excuse me,” a man said, approaching them, “I’m a writer from Skate Magazine.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, standing and placing himself between Victor and the columnist, “Victor and I cannot make any statement about his injury.”

“Okay, it’s fine. We don’t have to talk about that. But, you are going to Japan? Will you be staying in Hasetsu?”

“My apologies,” Yuuri said firmly, “we have no comment.”

“Mr. Katsuki,” an airline worker called out, hurrying to join them, “you and Victor may board now.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said gratefully.

“Mr. Katsuki, you know, Victor is loved by fans all around the world. They are worried about him, after what they saw posted on social media.”

“You can tell them that Victor is in the best possible hands, and that he is being cared for by his family and friends. That is all that we can say for now.”

“Victor…”

“Come this way,” the airline worker said, leading the two away, “We’ve instructed the flight attendants to make sure that no one bothers you.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri sighed.

The two headed onto the plane and Victor slid into the seat by the window. Yuuri dropped into the seat beside him with an aggravated sigh.

“I’m sorry about that guy,” he apologized, “We really tried to make sure that no one would bother you.”

Victor squeezed his hand and rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.

“I promise you,” Yuuri said solemnly, “once we get home, it will all be okay. We’ll have you healed and feeling like yourself again in no time.”

But as the plane rose into the sky both men were silently wondering.

_Is that even possible?_


	5. Soft, Silent Path For Our Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri arrive in Hasetsu.

Yuuri held Victor against his shoulder, gently rubbing his resting fiancé’s back and talking softly to him as the plane rose into the air and headed for Japan.

“Yakov called home and instructed Maccachin’s caretaker to send him to Japan as quickly as possible. Last I heard, he should be arriving shortly after we do. It will be good to see him, won’t it? He’s always a comfort for you.”

Victor nodded briefly and closed his eyes, his mind working and barely taking in Yuuri’s words anymore.

_It doesn’t matter where I go. There is always going to be someone who recognizes me. I can’t escape, no matter how my Yuuri tries to protect me. He’s an angel for trying, though._

He noticed the man from Skate Magazine was seated a few rows over and kept stealing glances in Victor and Yuuri’s direction. Put off by the man’s curious eyes, Victor lifted his head off of Yuuri’s shoulder and turned to look out the window.

_I never minded people looking at me before. From a very early age, I was taught to welcome the eyes of my fans, even though they were really the eyes of strangers to me. I was told that my beautiful skating was a source of great inspiration for them, and that it carried them out of their own world and, for a little while, brought them to another that my music and movements created. The eyes that looked at me were always adoring, always loving._

_But the eyes looking at me now are so different._

_They look at me like I’m different in a bad way…like theirs is something different laid out on the surface, and they can’t help looking. I didn’t mind when I was beautiful to them and that kept them looking. But now, they look at me with the morbid curiosity of people witnessing a train wreck. There is sympathy, but there is more fear, more horror. It’s like my attacker left something on me that everyone can see. And no one wants to be touched by it. I wonder if it will fade like the bruises, or if this poison on me is going to stay with me forever._

He felt Yuuri watching him and gave his lover a faint smile.

_Even Yuuri is looking at me differently._

_Not that I can blame him. I heard him say that he saw what was posted on the Internet. I saw the somewhat censored version, and that sent chills down my spine. Even worse was what was being said. Of course, most of what was said was kind, full of sympathy and good wishes. But there were other things being said too._

_Yuuri must not have seen that._

Next to him, Yuuri yawned and stretched.

“Looks like they’re starting to serve food and drinks.”

He watched silently as Yuuri put their trays down and chatted briefly with the flight attendant who brought their meals. Yuuri started to eat, and Victor felt his eyes watching again. He tried a few bites of his own meal, then shook his head when Yuuri asked if he thought he could eat more.

“It’s okay,” his fiancé said supportively, “There will be really good food at home. I’m sure you’ll be able to eat that.”

Victor nodded and smiled weakly, then he stood and motioned towards the bathroom. Yuuri gave him a concerned look.

“Are you okay, Victor?” he asked.

Victor nodded and headed to the bathroom. Yuuri saw the magazine reporter give Victor a measured look as the skater walked by him, but he said nothing. Victor reached the bathroom and locked himself inside, breathing a sigh of relief at being away from all of the watching and staring eyes.

_I just want everyone to stop looking at me. I know they’re just seeing a broken mess, and they don’t know what to do with me._

He placed his hands on either side of the metal sink, looking wearily at his reflection.

_I look and look, but I don’t see it! I don’t see what it is that tells everyone I’m a victim of rape. Where is it? What is it? I mean, the bruises are evident, of course. But there is something else I can’t see that is like a beacon that radiates around me. They see it and they look at me with those heartsick eyes. They look at me that way until it makes me want to scream!_

_Yes, I was his victim._

_I was raped._

_But, that is not all of who I am now. Doesn’t anyone see that? Why do they look so hard to see what I don’t want anyone to know? Why can’t they all just look at me the way they used to?_

He felt sickness roil his insides until he was forced to turn and throw up the little bit of food he had just eaten. He rinsed his mouth and washed his hands, then ran a wet paper towel over his face.

_I don’t want to go back out there._

But he forced his hand to turn the door handle, and he opened the door to find Yuuri just outside, waiting for him.

“Are you okay, Victor?” he asked anxiously, “You were gone for awhile.”

Victor answered with a quick squeeze of his lover’s hand, then the two returned to their seats and settled down again. Victor turned towards the window, curling into the travel blanket he had been given and closing his eyes.

_It still feels like other eyes are watching._

He tried for awhile to sleep, but couldn’t drift off. Turning slightly, he noted that Yuuri seemed to have fallen asleep.

_It’s almost a relief._

_I’ve been such a burden to Yuuri’s heart because of this._

_I wish that I could take it back…that I could go back and make different choices…maybe not drink so much…maybe not walk alone in the dark gardens. I don’t blame myself for what happened, but I do wish I hadn’t just fallen into my attacker’s trap._

_I feel stupid._

_I feel torn._

_I feel broken._

“Mr, Nikiforov, can I bring you anything?” a flight attendant asked, “We have champagne, wine and sodas. We also have in flight movies.”

She handed him a set of headphones.

“You just plug in right on the arm of your seat.”

Victor nodded briefly and plugged in the headset. He watched the monitor in the seat back in front of him as International news began to play before the movie.

_It’s good to be distracted by the other things that are going on._

But just as he began to relax, an image of him appeared on the screen in front of him.

“Social media is still lighting up over the news of the attack on Russian figure skater, Victor Nikiforov. Fans all over the world are reacting with horror at the news, and they have been reaching out with prayers, good wishes and their memories of past meetings with the legendary skater.”

Victor stared as images of the messages flashed on the screen in front of him.

“Victor has been my idol since he entered the men’s senior division. There has never been anyone like him, and there never will be again. He doesn’t deserve this, and I hope they HANG the animal who hurt him!”

“Victor always has a smile and time for his fans. He so obviously appreciates us. Whoever put their hands on him needs to be locked up and throw away the key!”

“Victor is such a beautiful man with so much talent. He has done wonders for the sport of figure skating. I’ll bet the one who hurt him can’t say he’s ever done anything good for anyone.”

“The skater was not without some critics, however,” the reporter went on, “and they had some words to say as well.”

“I love Victor’s skating, but he is known to have slept with a lot of women. Could this have been a jealous boyfriend?”

“Victor is a male slut who has tons of naked photos of himself on his own page. What goes around comes around.”

“Are we sure this was rape? Maybe he just likes it rough.”

“Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed suddenly, tearing the headphones away from him, “What are you doing? You shouldn’t be watching that!”

He touched the button to turn off the monitor, but Victor continued to stare at the dark screen, wearing a haunted expression.

“Why did you do that?” Yuuri asked anxiously, “Victor, you know that there are people who are going to say horrible things that aren’t true. That’s how social media is. Put it out of your head, please, and don’t turn on the news again. You need to focus on getting better. You can’t do that if you let those people into your head!”

Victor gave him a conflicted look.

_But, what if they’re right?_

_I do take a lot of naked pictures and share them with friends. I’ve always known that the photos get shared with other friends, and they get around. It never bothered me at all. I never thought about who might be looking at those pictures and…thinking of hurting me._

_It doesn’t excuse him, but…_

“Victor…”

_And I did sleep with a lot of girls before I fell in love with Yuuri. I was drunk sometimes and slept with girls I barely knew. I thought that because everything that happened was consensual, it was all right. But, I wonder if there was someone I hurt, and that’s why…_

“Victor, put all of this out of your mind!” Yuuri pleaded with him, “Just, try to get some rest now. We’ll be in Hasetsu soon and you can put all of this behind you.”

Victor gave his lover a dejected look.

_If only it was that easy._

_Hasetsu is a wonderful place, but there is really no hiding from this. The truth is, I was raped, and I may have been targeted because of my own choices. I know that I didn’t choose for that man to rape me, but I did post provocative pictures. I did date and sleep with a lot of women. I did choose to drink a lot at the banquet that night. They weren’t responsible choices, and if I had chosen better…_

“Stop!” Yuuri pleaded, taking Victor’s face in his hands and staring into his lover’s tortured eyes, “You have to stop second guessing yourself. I know that’s what you’re doing. You see the bad things that some awful people are saying, and you doubt yourself. But Victor, it’s not going to help to do that, to doubt yourself. It’s not going to change what happened, and it’s not going to help you get well. Whatever you may be thinking, a horrible crime was committed against you. There is only one person responsible for that, and it is _not you_.”

_Oh Yuuri, I want to believe you, but…I do have doubts. I do wonder if it was something I said or did. I wonder if it was someone I hurt. In looking for reasons, I suppose it’s natural to wonder that, but you’re right that I shouldn’t automatically accept it. I don’t know who did this to me, and if I just tell myself I did something to deserve it, I never will know. I won’t even have the strength to look for the answers I need._

He felt Yuuri’s arms wrap around him, and heard his lover’s insistent voice doing battle with his ringing doubts. Caught between them and too tired to do anything, he rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, the only place he seemed to find respite anymore, and he dropped off to sleep with Yuuri’s soft reassurances echoing in his ears.

_That man’s hatred only touched you this once, but we will never let it happen again. Love is stronger than hate, Victor, and all of the people who love you are going to surround you with that love to help you recover. Right now, you probably can’t think of anything but what happened. Just don’t forget that you had a life before this, and your life will go on after. It’s your choice how you will go on. Please…choose to let your loved ones help you._

Sleep came slowly, but this time it carried him through the stormy skies and all of the way to Japan. He woke again as the seatbelt light came on, and the plane was prepared for landing. His sleepy eyes looked out the window, and he felt a swirl of inner warmth at being in that place where he and Yuuri had really connected. Yuuri read his expression and gave him a little smile.

“You’re glad to be back, _ne_ Victor?”

Victor smiled and nodded.

_This does feel better._

The plane touched down safely and began to taxi into the arrival gate. Yuuri retrieved their carry-ons, and the two disembarked and entered the terminal. They found their luggage and exited the terminal, only to find themselves in a sea of reporters and skating fans. Victor’sheart quickened and he moved closer to Yuuri, who kept an arm securely around him as they moved through the group to where he spotted Mari and Minako waiting for them.

“Victor, how long will you be in Japan?”

“Do you have any message for your fans?”

“Have you heard that J.J. Leroy and Christophe Giacometti have been questioned by police?”

“My apologies,” Yuuri said firmly, “Victor is tired from the long trip back, and we’ll be making no statement right now. Thank you for your support.”

They somehow managed to reach the two women and slid into the car that waited at the curb. Victor heard a happy bark and felt Maccachin’s warm weight settle onto him. He hugged the old poodle tightly and let Maccachin lick his face.

_Good boy._

“He arrived just before you did,” Mari told them.

“Sorry about the circus when you arrived,” Minako said dryly, “It’s spreading like wildfire that Victor is coming back to Hasetsu. Here, in the more populated areas it’s kind of crazy, but you can depend on the people back home to be less imposing.”

“It’s good to be back,” Yuuri sighed, “It’s been awful.”

“How are you holding up?” Minako asked Victor.

She read his set expression and looked at Yuuri questioningly. Yuuri sighed and squeezed Victor’s hand.

“He’s doing okay physically,” he reported, “He has a concussion and there’s a lot of bruising, but they were encouraged enough to release him. But Victor’s not really up to talking. As you can imagine, he’s exhausted and he’s still processing everything.”

That’s understandable,” Minako assured them, her hand wrapping around Victor’s arm, “Well, you’re in Japan now, and we’re all going to take care of you, okay? So, cheer up, Victor. We’ve got your room all ready, and Hiroko can’t wait to completely spoil you!”

“What about me?” Yuuri asked, pretending to look offended.

“Well, duh,” Minako laughed, “of course we’ll spoil you too, _gold medal winner_!”

Victor was grateful for the exchange of normal banters that followed, and the sound of Yuuri relating all of the details of the competition.

“I was sure that Victor was going to win. I thought his performance was absolutely beautiful. I was just lucky.”

_It wasn’t just luck. Yuuri shined like the brilliant star he has become. He’s come such a very long way from the night of the Grand Prix Final banquet when he got drunk and asked me to be his coach. Yuuri is such an amazing skater. I love competing with him._

The car carried them quickly through the countryside, and off to the edges of Hasetsu. It slowed as they approached the hot spring inn, and as they reached the last stretch, the car slowed even more, and Victor heard Yuuri make a sound of surprise. He followed his gaze out the car’s windows and felt a heavy jolt at seeing the sides of the road crowded with townspeople.

The people stood three rows thick on either side, all of them holding lotus flowers that they cast into the car’s path.

 _They’re so quiet_ , Victor mused, staring, as the car rolled over the carpet of falling flower petals, _Not at all like the crowd at the airport._

“Lotus flowers,” Yuuri breathed, staring at the enchanting display, “a symbol of enlightenment. The lotus rises out of the murky waters and it becomes a beautiful, pure flower. Wow…”

He stole a glance at Victor’s stymied expression.

“They love you, Victor,” Yuuri said quietly, his eyes filling with happy tears, “They want to show their support for you. You see? Everyone is with you. You’re not alone anymore. You have everything you need to put all of this behind you.”

The car stopped in front of the inn, but well-wishers continued to throw lotus flowers into their path. Yuuri helped Victor out of the car, and several of the people nearest the car, moved forward and helped with the luggage as Yuuri and Victor stepped onto the carpet of flowers and headed for the entrance to the inn.

A few steps short of the entrance, Victor turned back suddenly. He gazed at the quietly waiting people, his heart aching with gratitude, then he put a palm over his heart and bowed.

“Arigato gozaimasu.”

He turned back to Yuuri and headed inside, his heart more than a little bit lighter. Yuuri gripped his arm and sighed.

“We’re finally here. Thank goodness.”

 _This_ , Victor mused inwardly, _really does feel like going home now._


	6. Comforts of Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor begins the long task of recovery.

“Come in! Come in, Yuuri, Vic-chan!” Hiroko greeted the two young men as they entered the hot spring inn alongside Mari and Minako, and were met by Yuuri’s smiling parents, “It’s so good to have you come home to us. Your room is all ready. Or would you like some food or a dip in the hot spring?”

Yuuri glanced at Victor for a moment.

“We haven’t had much to eat,” he commented.

Victor gave his head a little shake and looked in the direction of the hot springs.

“Or, maybe we’ll have a soak first,” Yuuri chuckled.

“Okay,” Toshiya answered, nodding, “we’ll have some nice pork cutlet bowls waiting for after.”

“And Yuuri even gets to have one, since he won a medal,” snickered Mari.

“Not just a medal,” Minako said proudly, “a _gold_ medal. Not that Victor made it easy for you or anything.”

A little, proud smile rose on Victor’s lips.

“Honestly,” Minako went on, taking Victor’s hand for a moment, “that was some breathtaking skating in your free program. I thought you had him for sure.”

_I loved every moment of the free skate…everything from the anticipation, to the opening music…through each jump and spin. There is nothing like the feeling of being pushed to the ends of your strength and ability. Yes, no matter what the outcome, I had so much fun. I wonder…will I ever feel anything that good again?_

“You boys look travel weary,” Hiroko said, nudging them in the direction of the hot springs, “Go, have your soak, and we’ll talk more after.”

 _Being here is dreamlike in a way_ , Victor thought as they walked to the men’s area of the hot springs, _When I came to coach Yuuri, I was also kind of running away. I mean, I did have a plan in mind, but I had no idea if it was going to work. I just knew that staying in Saint Petersburg was going to be the beginning of the end of me as a skater._

_This time, well, it’s still running away. I felt it when I saw the townspeople gathered. I’ll be protected here, sheltered from the worst of the questions and criticism. Here, I will feel just the love that will help me overcome what happened to me. It’s running away, yes, but like the first time I came here, I have a purpose. I’ll focus on that, and just take this one day at a time. Or, maybe just a minute at a time._

_I’m so sleepy._

_I feel like I haven’t slept in ages._

He realized suddenly that they had reached the dressing area, and that Yuuri had stopped in front of him, and was looking at him with a slightly worried expression. He gave his anxious fiancé a bracing smile and began removing his clothes. He swallowed hard as he caught the reflection of his battered body in the mirror, but he made sure he turned carefully away from Yuuri to save his poor lover any more anxiety over his emotional state.

_Yuuri has his hands full, taking care of my physical needs and basically speaking for me right now. I’m sure he suspects, but I don’t really want him to know what’s going on in my head. Sometimes, there are such dark thoughts…no, I don’t want Yuuri to worry about that. However dark my thoughts get, I am in control of myself._

_I think…_

He wrapped a towel around his waist and followed Yuuri to the hot spring, where they removed their towels and sank down into the steamy water.

“This feels so good!” Yuuri sighed.

 _It feels wonderful_ , Victor mused, closing his eyes, _I can sit here and almost pretend that it’s still that time when I was here before. I can pretend that we’re still working hard, preparing Yuuri for that amazing season._

He yawned and leaned against Yuuri, letting everything disappear into the dreamy vapor around them. Yuuri felt Victor’s body sag against him, and he smiled sadly and let his weary lover fall asleep. He held Victor silently, running gentle fingers through his hair and whispering into his ear.

_You’re safe here. No one will hurt you here. You’re with people who love you, and we’re going to take care of you. Just let a little of the weight fall off, onto all of us. There are enough of us to carry some of the load for you. Don’t try to bear it all alone, Vitya._

Victor’s eyes opened for a moment at the sound of the more intimate name Yuuri used, mostly when they were in bed together. He smiled and offered his lover a little kiss, then he settled against Yuuri and drifted off to sleep again. He slept until Yuuri woke him to climb out of the hot spring, then he stumbled into the dressing area and put on a robe. He staggered towards the bedroom, barely on his feet and crashed down onto the bed, falling asleep almost instantly with Maccachin curled up at his feet. Yuuri shook his head affectionately.

“Vitya is so very tired, _ne_? Go ahead and sleep all you need to. I’ll be here for you.”

“Yuuri,” Hiroko called as she walked into the bedroom, “weren’t you and Vic-chan going to eat? We have your food all ready.”

“If you don’t mind, could you bring mine in here?” Yuuri asked, “Victor’s fallen asleep. We should let him rest.”

“I’ll bring it right away.”

Yuuri watched her leave, then he moved Victor’s deeply sleeping body into a more comfortable position and covered him with blankets. He sat down on the covers, on the other side of the bed and turned on some very soft Japanese instrumental music. His mother returned with his food a short time later, and he ate slowly, stealing glances at his sleeping lover and worrying silently for him.

_Victor’s doctor did tell me that something like this might happen…that everything might seem to catch up with him, and he might fall asleep and sleep for what seems like an unnaturally long time. He told me that it’s time that Victor’s mind needs to process everything that’s happened, so that he can make sense of things and then he’ll begin to recover. So, it’s actually a good thing to see him let down and do that._

_It’s still a little scary though._

Yuuri finished his food, then he glanced at Victor to make sure that he was still asleep, before reaching over to his bag to remove Victor’s cell phone. He punched in the code and began going through the many text and Instagram messages. Most seemed to be from fellow skaters, and were written in English. He paused as he reached a text from Chris Giacometti.

 _Victor,_ Chris had written, _don’t worry about what you heard about the police hassling me. They were really just seeing if I knew of anyone who was bothering you…you know, crazed fans or people with a grudge. They were also trying to eliminate certain people as suspects, so they could figure out who did this terrible thing. They are a little more suspicious of J.J., but as much as he mocks everyone and is full of himself, I don’t think he’d do something like that. Do you? I hope you don’t mind I told them about that old coach of yours who tried to molest you when you were underage. I know you don’t want people to know about that, but I thought I should tell the police anything that might give them a lead. And that guy was a creep._

Yuuri paused, staring at the text.

_Victor never told me about that. But, it did happen a long time before we knew each other, and he and Chris have been friends for a really long time. I’m sure if he thinks I need to know, he’ll tell me. It’s just scary to think of anyone touching Victor against his will._

_And now, it’s happened twice._

_It’s much worse this time, but I kind of wish I’d known about what happened before. It would have been helpful when Victor’s doctor was asking me so many questions. Anyway, I know now._

He moved on through the messages, reading the ones in English first, then using a translator to figure out the others. As much as he would never usually read his sleeping partner’s messages without Victor’s permission, this intrusion had a clear purpose.

_I have to make sure that only positive messages get through._

When he found anything cruel or negative, he erased the message or post and blocked the account or number. He was nearly to the end of the messages when one in Russian caught his attention. He typed the message into the translator and watched as the words appeared in English.

The phone dropped from his suddenly nerveless fingers. He put a hand to his racing heart for a moment, breathing slowly to calm himself before picking up the phone and reading the message again.

_Vitya, words cannot express the dizzying beauty of your body. I am inside you now. I know you will never forget my voice or the feel of my hands on your flesh. It was the deepest of pleasures. May we meet this way again someday._

Yuuri forced down fresh swells of indignant anger and he stole a glance at his deeply sleeping fiancé and shook his head worriedly.

_I’ll forward this to the police. I don’t know if it’s really Victor’s attacker or if it’s just someone getting their kicks trying to hurt Victor. Whoever it is has to be stopped._

He pressed the button to forward the message, then he finished going through the rest of Victor’s messages, before checking his own. A message from Phichit brought a sad smile to his face.

_I heard you and Victor went back to Hasetsu. Please take good care of our friend. Victor is one of my greatest inspirations. I’m sure lots of other skaters feel the same. I really hope they catch the person who hurt Victor. None of us can really feel safe until they do._

Yuuri touched the key to reply.

_Victor is home now, at my family’s inn, and he is resting. Mom, Dad and Mari plan to spoil him to death as soon as he wakes up. We’ll take good care of him, and we’re going to find his attacker and see that he doesn’t escape justice._

He worked his way through the rest of the messages, then placed the two phones back in his pack and set it down, beside the bed. He glanced at the time, then back at his still sleeping lover.

_I guess that, right now, Victor needs sleep more than he needs food. I’ll just curl up with him and let him rest as long as he needs to. There’s no rush now. We can take our time. We’re in the off season, so everything else can wait while Victor recovers._

He wrapped his body around Victor’s, feeling a little chill inside at the fact that his sleeping fiancé never moved, but only kept breathing in a slow, steady rhythm. After a time, Yuuri’s eyelids grew heavy, and he dropped off to sleep. The two slept soundly until morning, when Yuuri woke to find Victor still deeply asleep.

“Victor?” he whispered, squeezing his lover’s limp hand.

Victor continued to breathe, slowly and steadily.

_So, this is what the doctor warned me about. He said that sometimes after a trauma like the one Victor was subjected to, the victim will seek a safe place, and will basically collapse into a very long sleep, that could last a day or maybe a little bit longer. He advised me to let Victor sleep, and to allow him to come awake again naturally._

_It’s scary to see him like this. Victor wakes before me every day, and he’s restless in the morning, so he usually takes Maccachin and goes for walks._

_Ah, I should take Maccachin out._

He whistled softly, and the dog stirred and lifted his head.

“Come, Maccachin,” he called softly.

The old dog thumped his tail on the bed, then laid his head down on Victor’s feet again.

“Macca, you know you need to go out,” he scolded the poodle gently, “Come.”

Maccachin whimpered and crawled on his belly, taking over the place where Yuuri had lain, then he whined softly and licked Victor’s cheek.

“He’s sleeping, you silly dog,” Yuuri chided him, “He needs to get some more sleep. Come, and I’ll take you out. Come now.”

The dog emitted a low, muttering growl and hopped down from the bed. He continued to make noises of complaint as Yuuri led him out of the room. He met Mari in the hallway and paused, noting the arrangements of flowers in her hands.

“What’s all that?” he asked.

“Lots of people are sending flowers and cards for Victor,” his sister answered, “I thought that I’d freshen up the room with some of them. I can wait if you think I’ll bother him.”

“I don’t think you’ll bother him,” Yuuri reasoned, “He’s still dead asleep. The doctor said that once Victor felt safe, he might fall into a deep sleep, and sleep for a long time…maybe a day or so.”

“Yeah, he’s really out,” Mari said, shaking her head, “Well, take Maccachin outside for a little bit. I’ll stay with Victor until you get back. I’ll just be arranging the flowers in his room, so he can enjoy them when he wakes up.”

“I wonder how long it will be,” Yuuri sighed anxiously.

“It’ll be as long as he needs it to be,” Mari said, matter-of-factly, “In the meantime, you need to focus on other things, so you don’t get too anxious, waiting for him to wake up. You think being anxious is going to help anything? You said, yourself, that the doctor anticipated this would happen, and he said it’s expected as part of Victor’s recovery. Just keep yourself busy and be ready for when he wakes up. That’s when our work really starts, right?”

Yuuri settled somewhat at his sister’s sensible words, and his jaw set determinedly.

“Right,” he agreed.

He patted his leg and smiled at Maccachin.

“C’mon, boy,” he called, “Let’s go get some fresh air.”

Mari made several trips into and out of the room, carefully placing pretty flower arrangements all around the room, then she set a stack of delivered cards on the nightstand. She cracked open the window to let in some fresh air, then she left a small pitcher of ice water and a glass beside the bed.

Victor remained sprawled, beneath the covers, his arms curled around several large, soft pillows. He snored softly, still breathing in the same gentle, steady cadence, until most of the day had passed and Yuuri, Hiroko, Toshiya, Mari and Minako had checked in on him a number of times. Finally, as darkness began to fall again, he stirred and groaned sleepily. Dazed blue-green eyes cracked open and spotted the water pitcher, which had recently been freshened. He sat up, making Maccachin crawl up beside him to lick his face as he sipped at his water. He glanced over at Yuuri’s sleeping form, then looked quietly around the room at the brilliant display of flowers.

He slipped out of the bed, careful not to wake his sleeping fiancé, and he headed to the bathroom, before returning to the bedroom as Hiroko peeked in.

“Vic-chan,” Yuuri’s smiling mother greeted him, “you must be hungry after sleeping for so long, dear.”

He tilted his head slightly, giving her a questioning look.

“Why, you’ve been asleep for more than a day, since you arrived. Can I bring something for you? Or would you like to stretch your legs a bit and come sit in the dining room with me for awhile?”

Victor smiled sleepily and followed her out of the room, and to the dining room, where he knelt on a comfortable pillow, waiting silently as she left briefly, then returned with a few appetizers, a fresh glass of ice water and a bottle of fine sake. Victor smiled and tried a small amount of each appetizer, then he drank the full glass of water.

He ignored the sake completely.

“I’m surprised you don’t eat more,” Hiroko said in a motherly tone, “Yuuri said that you had barely eaten since the banquet, and you’ve been on a plane for many hours, and sleeping for many more. You must try to eat, Vic-chan. But, maybe you’re just waiting for your favorite dish.”

She left the dining room and returned a moment later with a fresh, steaming pork cutlet bowl, which she set in front of him.

“There now, you love Pork cutlet bowls, _ne_? Surely, you can eat some of this?”

Victor leaned forward, closing his eyes and breathing in the savory scent of the food, his mind drifting back to the very first time he had tasted the dish and not been able to contain his excited reaction.

_It’s been a year since then, and it still smells so very good to me. I can close my eyes and see that first day all over again…my first visit to the hot spring, the way Yuuri dashed into the room and stared at me so wide-eyed and surprised. I remember my first bite of my very first pork cutlet bowl, and feeling so comfortable after eating that I didn’t even notice there was no bed or sofa in my room that first night._

_I came to Hasetsu before, not knowing there were so many wonderful things I hadn’t experienced. I tried everything, and I met so many wonderful, kind people on the way. A year has passed, but I still love thinking about the time that Yuuri and I spent together here. Hasetsu seemed like a magical place, where everything was new, and there was no end of things to see and do._

Victor opened his eyes and found Hiroko looking at him and smiling encouragingly.

“Try some,” she invited him, “Try some and remember how much our Vic-chan loves pork cutlet bowls.”

He took a tentative bite, letting the savory taste radiate in his mouth, and letting the memories from before come back to him, making him feel closer to the person he had been. One bite became two, then three. Until he was gobbling down each mouth watering bite and smiling.”

A sleepy-eyed Yuuri appeared in the doorway and moved to join him as he finished the pork cutlet bowl, and Hiroko arrived with a sweet dessert for the two to share. They devoured the treat, then stumbled to the hot spring for a long soak.

“You look better,” Yuuri said hopefully, holding Victor against him and playing with the little ends of his hair.

He startled at hearing Victor’s softly voiced answer.

“I feel better, thanks to you and your family, Yuuri.”

Yuuri smiled and kissed him tenderly on a soft cheek.

“They’re your family too, now, Vitya.”


	7. Me and not Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor makes a stunning confession to Yuuri.

Victor woke early the next morning, and he climbed out of bed carefully, so as not to wake his sleeping lover. Maccachin hopped down off the bed, thumping on the ground and making Yuuri sigh and stir in his sleep.

“Shh,” Victor mouthed, “Be quiet, Macca.”

He slipped out of his yukata, shivering a little as he paused to pick out some clothing from his suitcase. As he looked down at the clothes, he felt a strange flicker in his mind, and then cringed as he recalled the slow process in the rape crisis unit at the hospital, when his clothing had to be removed, bit by bit, searched for evidence, then stored carefully. His jaw clenched at the returning feeling of humiliation.

_Stop it!_

_Stop thinking about that!_

_It was just a process that had to be done, and now it’s over. It will never happen again. I have to just let it go. I don’t like to remember it, and it’s not good to dwell on the past._

He heard Maccachin whine, then the little swish of Yuuri’s nightclothes as he approached and wrapped his arms around Victor from behind, resting his face against the back of the Russian skater’s bare shoulder. Victor tried to speak, but his throat tightened and he couldn’t make a sound.

“You’ve been standing there for awhile,” he commented softly.

“What are you doing awake so early?” Victor chided him, “And you barely slept all night because you were watching me. You should be getting some rest, Yuuri.”

“I’m fine,” Yuuri assured him, “Let me help you.”

Victor started to object, then went quiet again as Yuuri’s hands slipped into his suitcase and removed his most comfortable, soft workout clothes. Victor cooperated wordlessly, his eyes distant as he was dressed. He looked questioningly at Yuuri as he finished by adding a warm jacket.

“It’s a little chilly outside, but I thought that we could go and walk along the beach?” Yuuri suggested.

“Okay.”

_Maybe it would be a good thing. I feel sort of shaky after that flashback. Nurse Raya told me that I should expect that I would have vivid flashbacks, and she taught me some relaxation exercises. I forgot all about that while I was in the middle of that episode. But…I can do the breathing exercise now and maybe my heart will stop feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest at any moment._

“Are you okay now, Victor?” Yuuri asked.

“Not entirely,” Victor answered.

_It’s safe to be honest with him. It’s best to be truthful._

“But I’ll be all right. I just…remembered something disturbing. They…said that would happen sometimes.”

“They told me that too,” Yuuri replied, slipping out of his yukata and searching his own suitcase for clothing, “You don’t have to talk about if you’d rather not, but anytime you do feel like talking about it, just tell me.”

Victor didn’t answer right away, but watched silently as Yuuri began to dress. At first, he thought he might want to let the memory go and not say anything, but an odd urge flickered in his insides, and before he realized quite what was happening, the words spilled out of his mouth.

“I was remembering…how they took everything I was wearing that night…how they searched every inch as I was lying there, more and more naked, and how everything was sealed away. It was my favorite suit.”

He took a steadying breath, noting that Yuuri’s calm expression never changed.

“Not that I could look at it now,” he sighed, “But…it was…”

“The same one you were wearing the night I got drunk at the banquet after the Grand Prix Finals and we danced together for the first time. I noticed you wore it again that night.”

Victor paled and his stinging eyes closed.

“I didn’t tell you, but I wanted…after the banquet…for you to…”

His throat tightened and his heart pounded furiously until it ached, but he breathed slowly, and Yuuri remained frozen and looking at him, waiting patiently for him to finish.

“It’s ironic,” he managed finally, “I was…looking forward to you removing it, piece by piece and dropping the pieces carelessly on the floor of our hotel room. I thought about every detail. But, what happened…”

“Victor!” Yuuri gasped dropping his own clothes and wrapping his arms tightly around his lover as Victor collapsed onto his knees, “It’s okay to stop. You don’t have to say anymore!”

“But I do!” Victor insisted, grabbing Yuuri by the shoulders and holding on almost painfully tightly, “I wanted you to remove the pieces, but instead that…”

His jaw clenched and he had to close his eyes, but he continued to force the words out.

“He _tore_ them off!”

Yuuri stared, wide-eyed, his own hands wrapped around his lover’s wrists, where Victor’s hands still clenched his shoulders.

“Victor…” he whispered, his face going white.

“And he didn’t just tear the clothing, he tore _me_ up too. He stole the night that we would have had together and turned it into a living nightmare!”

Yuuri stared through shattered eyes, tears running down his cheeks as Victor gathered himself and finished.

“And then, it happened all over again, when they took the pieces off and left me naked again. And now, to know that suit that was my favorite…it’s ruined, and I never want to look at it again…it’s like I can’t think of it and just remember what it meant before. He stole all of that.”

“That’s not true,” Yuuri said firmly, making Victor look back at him in surprise, through teary blue-green eyes.

He reached into his suitcase and fished out a tie that he tied around his head, coaxing a little, helpless smile onto Victor’s lips. Yuuri moved in close to him again, bringing him back to his feet and wrapping strong arms around him. He moved suddenly then, dipping his blinking lover and curving a warm hand around his face as he looked down into Victor’s widened, wet eyes.

“A lot more happened than what clothes we were wearing that night,” he said solemnly, “I had to get really drunk, but I got up the nerve to dance with you and to tell you what was in my heart. Then, you showed me what was in yours by dropping everything to come here to be my coach. He can take away the clothes, and he can hurt you so that you may think he took everything, but what’s most important is _still right here,_ Victor, and it’s _not going anywhere_! Our clothes will wear out, and our bodies won’t always be young, but we still have something that animal can’t take away from us. That night…when we danced together for the first time… _we made history_. That’s something that no one can change, no matter what they do. Not. Ever.”

He lifted Victor back onto his feet and went silent, watching as Victor blinked slowly, and his clouded eyes began to clear again.

“You’re right, Yuuri,” he said finally, “Our history can’t be taken away from us. I suppose it’s stupid of me to give something like clothing so much importance.”

“Shh, no. It’s okay,” Yuuri whispered hugging him and speaking softly into his ear, “I still have what I wore that night too. I guess it’s natural to hold onto things that remind us of our best times.”

He paused, then laughed ruefully.

“Although, I never imagined that the night I crashed and burned at my first Grand Prix Final would be the same night that I danced with the most beautiful person I ever saw…the person I admire most.”

“Yuuri,” Victor said in a flustered voice, “you were so drunk, I know you don’t remember.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri giggled, kissing him on the cheek, “Remember? You and the others showed me the video…and I did remember after that. Now, do you want me to put on the rest of my clothes or should I just go to the beach like this?”

Victor felt something inside give way and a little laugh escaped him.

“We’re in Hasetsu now. You should probably put your clothes on.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, smirking cutely, “I probably should.”

Victor left him to dress and walked into the bathroom, where he brushed his hair and teeth, then stood for a moment, studying the reflection of the bruises on his throat and wrists, and the small scratches, here and there.

_This is probably the worst they will get. Then, they will start to go away. I guess it’s good when some things fade away. It means that I won’t always wear the marks of that violent act on my body. I can be sad that some things were taken away when I was attacked, but I have to keep things in perspective. Yuuri is right. We’ve lost some things, but we haven’t lost everything. We’ve lost some things, but not the most important things._

_I just wonder, though._

_This attack…it’s part of our history too. How will it change things now? How will it affect our future?_

He smiled at Yuuri’s reflection in the mirror, as his lover joined him in the bathroom, and they finished their morning rituals together. They left the inn with Maccachin beside them, and headed for the beach. As they walked, they passed an old woman, working in the lovely garden in front of her house.

“Ohayo gozaimasu!” she called out to them.

The two young men returned her greeting and walked on. It seemed that every few feet, they encountered another familiar face, another friendly voice, and with each, a little of the heavy weight seemed to lift from Victor’s aching heart. By the time they reached the beach, he was genuinely smiling and breathing in deeply.

“This is good for you,” Yuuri noted.

“It _is_ good to be outside,” Victor agreed.

They jogged along the beach with Maccachin on their heels, then found an old log to sit down on and Victor hugged the old poodle and rested his chin on Maccachin’s fluffy head.

“You like it here too, don’t you?” he asked.

Maccachin yipped and licked his face.

“Hasetsu is a special, dreamy place, full of special people and very good memories,” Victor sighed, leaning against Yuuri and closing his eyes, “I know we have to go back to Russia eventually to continue our training, but…”

He noticed the tentative look that Yuuri gave him in response.

“What is it, Yuuri?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really…just something that Yakov mentioned, but I don’t think it’s the right time to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

Yuuri bit his lip gently.

“Well, Yakov knows that the time you spent coaching me and living here, in Hasetsu, was a happy time for you. He messaged me to check up on you, and in that message, he said that if it was better for you to stay here and not to go back to Russia, he would work on plans to accommodate you on that.”

“He what?” Victor asked, giving him a shocked look, “Yakov yelled at me so many times after I came back to Saint Petersburg, telling me I don’t deserve him and I don’t appreciate my own home. He teased me about running away to play and not being serious about my career. He gave me so much hell…but I think it’s because I hurt him by leaving so suddenly and not listening to him at all. I don’t regret going at all, but I do feel bad that I hurt him.”

Yakov loves you like a son,” Yuuri observed.

“He really does,” Victor agreed, clenching at the old log they were sitting on and looking down at the sand as he continued, “I’m not close to my family.”

“He told me,” Yuuri confessed, “And, of course, I didn’t miss the fact that you never talk about them.”

“I don’t mean to keep things from you,” Victor said apologetically, “I probably should have explained to you sooner.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “You’re dealing with a lot now. Maybe you should wait and tell me later.”

“No,” Victor insisted, nudging the sand with the tips of his shoes, “it’s fine to tell you now. It’s not like there was a big fight or like anything was really wrong that made it happen. My parents were just never really happy together. It was obvious to me as soon as I learned that I was born only four months after they got married. I was…a mistake.”

Yuuri let out a soft, sympathetic breath and slipped a hand into his, lacing their fingers together.

“Victor, I’m sorry.”

“They didn’t take it out on me. I think they did their best to be good parents, but eventually, it became obvious that they just couldn’t hold things together. By then, we’d met Yakov, and he told my parents that I was skating prodigy, and that it could be good for me to go and train at the Saint Petersburg Ice Center facility. He told them I could live there, and I wouldn’t be too far from home. I guess that made them free to be honest and to let their marriage die. They broke up within the first month after I left. In less than a year, my father had a new wife, and there was a baby on the way.”

Victor shifted and leaned forward, resting his face on his hands and he looked out at the crashing waves.

“I don’t know what happened. My father just said that Mother suddenly died. He said it was an accident, that she had pills and just took too many. I was still very young, so I didn’t think about what it really meant. I knew she was sad sometimes, but I didn’t know anything about depression.”

“That’s horrible,” Yuuri whispered, leaning against Victor’s shoulder and stroking his hand, “You must have been devastated.”

“I went to her funeral, but I could barely feel anything. I went to put a flower in her casket. My father lifted me up so that I could reach, and I looked at her…and she didn’t look sad anymore. She just looked like she did when she was sleeping, and I’d get up before her and go to their room to crawl in next to her. I didn’t realize until I was much older…that they didn’t even sleep together. Our family was just a mirage that they made for me, and when I left, there was nothing to hold it together, so it just…fell apart.”

“But you still had your father, right?”

“I did, but he was focused on his new family, and I didn’t live with them…so, it was easy to drift apart. We stopped calling each other by the time I was about to enter the senior men’s division. I never admitted about the programs I made during that time…when I still wore my hair long. I wore it like that, because it reminded me of her…every time I looked in the mirror, I saw her…just with different eyes. Hers were like pretty sapphires. Mine aren’t even like my father’s. His are just pale grey. I don’t know where my eye color comes from. I used to make up wild stories in my head…that my father wasn’t my real father…that mother had had a wild affair with a perfect stranger, a dangerous man that she knew she shouldn’t risk getting close to. I was still a mistake, but for her, I was a happy one. She married another man, but she never forgot the man who made me with her. It was a lot more interesting than the truth.”

“I can see why.”

“My programs, back when I had long hair, always seemed to bring her a little bit back to life for me. But as I got older, it made sense when Yakov said that I was going to need to change things, if I wanted to keep surprising people. Mother loved surprises, so it was important to me to keep people guessing.”

“You’re really good at that.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s just the truth.”

Victor looked more deeply into the crashing waves, his mind working. Yuuri looked on quietly.

“Yuuri, there’s something that I feel like I should tell you. It’s something I never tell anyone, but considering everything, I think I should tell you.”

“Okay, you know you can tell me anything, Victor.”

“I know that, and that is a very big comfort, especially now.”

He breathed slowly for a moment to steady his nerves.

“I was sometimes sad too…growing up, I mean,” he confessed, “Not just sad, like something happened to make it that way, but sad like she was. I never said anything because after she died, I was afraid, you know?”

He studied Yuuri’s suddenly anxious expression.

“But, they had counselors at the ice center where you lived, right?” Yuuri asked.

“Yes, and it was part of our agreement to go talk to one of the counselors once a year for our mental health. I never told them anything. I was too afraid that they would either kick me out of the program, or they would make me take pills, and I might take too many and die, like she did.”

“Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed softly.

“I’m not saying I would ever do anything to hurt myself, but I’m going to counseling, and when they know I already suffer from undiagnosed depression, I don’t know what will happen.”

“I get it,” Yuuri said, surprising him with a strong, tight hug, “and I promise that it’s going to be okay. You’ve had to keep that secret for a really long time, but you don’t have to anymore. When you go to counseling, I think you should tell your counselor everything, Victor. Let it all out, and we can do what we did with my anxiety. You see, Victor, you may have depression, like your mom did, but you have something that she didn’t have.”

Victor’s eyes widened and looked into Yuuri’s hopefully.

“You have all of us, everyone in Hasetsu, with you…and you have a real family now, Victor. And that’s why…I know that you’re going to be okay.”

“And that’s why,” Victor answered, hugging him, “I know I’ll be okay too.”


	8. Touch and Recoil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri struggle to hold themselves together as Victor very slowly recovers.

Victor rested quietly in Yuuri’s arms, breathing in the steamy air of the hot spring and letting the heat soothe the little aches that still radiated in his recovering body. As had become the pattern, Yuuri’s hands ran over his skin, caressing and comforting, but staying carefully away from his sensitive areas.

_I want to tell him that he should touch me more like a lover. In my head, I want to erase that monster’s touch, not just on my body, but on my mind. It makes me sick, knowing that he was the last one to touch my private places…that he touched me there to hurt me…and that he did it to make me afraid to be touched there again._

_But both Yuuri and my counselor here in Hasetsu have said not to rush. My counselor understands what I’m thinking, even though I couldn’t say how I was feeling. She’s experienced, not just working with rape victims, but specifically helping male rape victims._

_Her first concern was making sure that the facility that I went to for treatment did a thorough job of collecting evidence, caring for my injuries and making sure I was tested for sexually transmitted diseases and advised on protecting Yuuri during the time when I may not show signs of infection, but could have been infected._

_I sat there, listening to her and my heart felt like it was beating too fast. I’m scared to death of being infected with something scary. I’ve always taken care with my health and that of any sexual partners I had by taking proper precautions. I wasn’t given a choice about that when I was attacked, and I don’t know who attacked me, so there is no way to know for sure what danger there is._

_I wanted to research it on my own, but I can’t touch my cell phone. I’ve been warned by my counselor and by everyone else to stay away from social media. I know Yuuri has been monitoring it and he has probably erased what’s being said by some people._

_But I already know._

_Before I met Yuuri, I was promiscuous. I may have been careful to protect myself and my partners, but I had a lot of partners, and I made no secret of that. I was proud of the care I took with my body, of being in good physical condition, and I wasn’t ashamed to post nude photos or appear naked in some magazine spreads. I always thought that it was fine to be seen and appreciated. It was easy to ignore the people who called me easy, who called me a male slut and worse. In my own mind, I was just sharing my love with people who, for whatever reason or whatever amount of time, wanted to connect with the beauty and sensuousness I radiated. I told myself that because it was among consenting adults and no one got hurt, it was fine._

_Was that wrong?_

_Thinking back, though…I do recall that it seemed no matter how many partners I had or how often I was having sex, I still felt lonely. Maybe that’s why I kept things casual. I was with partners, but still feeling lonely. Sleeping with other beautiful people wasn’t making me happy, and I didn’t know why._

_I didn’t know why, but I knew it wasn’t fair to keep on that way. So, I stopped. I continued to flirt and to be proud of my body and happy to share images, but I didn’t let anyone close enough to touch me anymore. I still went to a lot of parties and I drank heavily. Sometimes, I drank so much that I ended up in bed with someone. It was rare, but sometimes I was too lonely and too drunk. I didn’t know what I needed, but I need something…someone._

_Then came the night that changed everything for me. Then came the night that this very beautiful Japanese boy grabbed me and danced with me, then he asked me to come to Hasetsu to be his coach._

_I don’t know if Yuuri has any idea what was happening inside my head at the time. He may have been too drunk to remember that night, but even drunk, I couldn’t forget it. It was that night that I started to realize I’d been focusing on the wrong things. I wasn’t lonely because I lacked a sexual partner. I was lonely because I wasn’t living the way I wanted to anymore._

_While I was young, I loved to skate. I loved it so much that I never considered the hours I spent at the arena any kind of burden. I would skate as often as I could, often suffering sores on my feet and aching muscles from the physical strain. Yakov used to scold me for straining my body too much, but it was like I was possessed of a need to be on the ice._

_Secretly, though, I knew somewhere inside that it wasn’t only about me loving the ice…it was about my family breaking up into pieces and me having no one. At first, I clung to Yakov and craved his attention. I defied him and nearly drove him crazy, because I acted out so much, just to make him look at me. I think he knew I was lonely, and he did his best to comfort me when my mother died and my father stopped calling me._

_When I came of age…actually even a little too early, I started to drink and act out sexually too. But there was something that drinking and sleeping with people never could do. It seemed like I lived in a glass bowl, and that people could look in, but even talking to me or sleeping with me couldn’t get them past my defenses. They could touch my body and get me to say what they wanted to hear, but they couldn’t get into my head._

_I was strong because I never, ever let anyone in._

_I was beautiful on the outside, but I never, ever let anyone see the mess I was on the inside. I don’t think that I even knew how I was hurting deep down. Even in my first days with Yuuri, I was mostly just trying to do whatever would bring him out of his shell. I easily offered to be his lover if that’s what he wanted, because I wanted for myself to be able to keep him close to me. I knew he was different, but I didn’t know how. I only knew that I couldn’t let him drift away from me._

_But Yuuri didn’t want me to just give him what he desired. Unlike anyone who I ever met before, he told me that he wanted me to be myself. The only problem was that I had become so used to giving everyone what they wanted, I didn’t know who I was. I was Victor Nikiforov, the skating legend and charismatic playboy, but Yuuri knew that was only on the outside and he encouraged me to let him see in deeper._

_No one ever asked me to do that before…no one._

_Yakov wanted me to skate perfectly._

_My friends wanted someone to drink and laugh and play with._

_My fans wanted my smile, my blown kisses and the image of my body and beautiful skating._

_No one asked me to be myself._

_No one but Yuuri._

_By then, I barely knew who I was. There was plenty of beauty and perfection on the surface, but beneath was a growing torrent of warnings that my mind and my heart and my body had been trying to give me while I tried to ignore them._

_God, it’s no wonder I lost my motivation!_

_I almost lost myself._

_And the only reason I came out of that is because a very drunk Yuuri Katsuki yanked me out of my shell and told me to be myself. I never had to be perfect for him. In fact, Yuuri seemed to delight in seeing I’m human…that I make mistakes when I skate, that I have real emotions, that I age like everyone else. He’d been putting me on a pedestal, like everyone else, but I let him in…and Yuuri accepted everything about me without asking me to be anyone else._

_Sure, he complained about my drinking and my acting out. He called me out when I was cruel and stupid and I hurt him that time with what I said to him during his panicking before the Cup of China free skate. But no matter what mistakes I made, Yuuri didn’t ask me to cover my weaknesses. He didn’t ask me to hide the little signs of aging or of vulnerability. Instead, he seemed honored to accept the little, imperfect parts of me, along with the good things. And I found a peace in that, which I had never known with anyone._

_I found I could completely trust him and open up to him._

_Now, with one violent act, I’m afraid to let him see me that clearly…and the worst part is that I know Yuuri knows I’m not confiding everything. He knows there is so much I can’t say to him right now. Just like before, he never asks me to pretend with him, but he also never pushes me to tell him anything. The door is wide open for me to tell him…I just have to be able to do that._

_What is still stopping me?_

_Doctor Saito explained to me that men who are raped are different in some ways than women. Although both male and female victims are traumatized and embarrassed by what has happened, and although both may feel pressure to keep silent, men feel additional pressure not to show their emotions…not to ask for help…not to share the burden. Men are supposed to be strong, to hide their pain and to be masters of their emotions._

_I’ve actually been really lucky so far._

_According to Doctor Saito, most male rape victims don’t report that they’ve been raped, because they don’t accept what happened as rape. They think they should have been stronger, so they should have been able to resist. That they couldn’t just means they were weak and…I don’t know, maybe they think they deserve it?_

_That wasn’t my experience, mostly because Yuuri found me and I just instinctively told him the truth. I put myself in his hands, and he knew what I needed. Honestly, if no one had seen, and no one had found me…if I had stumbled off and I could have cleaned up my body and hidden the truth, I might have tried to hide it. It’s only because Yuuri was with me, and he encouraged me that I could get the help I needed right them. And I may have painful memories of the rape examination. I may wish I hadn’t had to do that, but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. Nurse Raya and Doctor Clay were both so supportive. They knew just what to say to comfort me while I endured the examination and treatment for my injuries._

_I was damned lucky._

_This could have been even worse._

_Doctor Saito warned me that the suicide rate is high for men who are raped, partially because of the pressure to hide what happened and not to accept it as rape. Those aren’t my burdens, but I still have obstacles…one of which is social media. Even if I don’t look, I know what I would see there._

_Again, there is the pressure to see what happened as a sign that I deserved it because I was promiscuous, because I didn’t fight hard enough, or because…of that other thing._

He swallowed hard, shivering as he remembered.

_There was semen on me that wasn’t from my attacker._

_Thank god Doctor Clay warned me that might be the case, because if she hadn’t told me, I would have been tempted to question myself._

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, nuzzling his cheek, gently, “We’ve been in here a long time. Come on, we should dry off and go eat dinner.”

Victor nodded and quietly exited the hot spring alongside his worried partner.

_I didn’t realize that in extreme duress, my body would do that._

He shivered harder and Yuuri gave him a sympathetic look and helped him dry off faster.

_I didn’t just lose control of my situation, I lost control of my body entirely. Before, I always, always thought that ejaculation meant pleasure. But I know I took no pleasure at all in being raped. Yet, the presence of my own semen on my body, even with Doctor Clay’s reassurances and Doctor Saito’s support…I don’t know…it’s more of a burden._

_Is it like they say? Was it just extreme duress? Or was it like I know some people would say? Did my body betray me? Could it betray me again?_

He heard Yuuri sigh worriedly.

“Sorry,” he apologized, “Did you say something, Yuuri?”

“I said that we’d been standing here awhile. Do you want me to…?”

“No, I’ve got it,” Victor said, grabbing his clothes and dressing quickly, “I just…was thinking too hard and lost track of time.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri assured him, “I was worried you would be cold. You were shivering before.”

_I should say something to him._

But he felt a smile touching his lips.

“I’m warm now.”

_It’s a lie._

_I’ve never felt colder…and now, I’m beginning to feel space opening up between Yuuri and me._

_Why did I lie to him?_

_Am I losing control of my mind too?_

“Are you hungry, Victor?”

_No, I feel sick to my stomach._

“A little.”

“Maybe we could take a walk and get something from the vendors?”

“Hmm? Sure, whatever sounds good to you.”

_Did I say something wrong? He’s looking at me with even more worry? Why? I didn’t refuse to eat. I never refuse to eat. I know not to. Does me maybe know that I throw up half of what I eat? I try to be discreet, but…he probably does know._

“Victor, can I talk to you?”

Victor blinked in surprise, suddenly finding himself back in their bedroom, with no idea how they got there.

_I just…_

“Victor?”

“S-sorry, Yuuri,” he said, focusing carefully on his anxious lover’s eyes, “What did you say?”

“I asked if you wanted me to pick something for you. You were standing there a long time.”

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Yuuri chided him, “It’s fine for you to be lost in thought. I just get worried by what I see on your face sometimes. You look like you’re in pain, but you don’t say it. I’m trying to be patient, but I’m scared, Victor!”

“It’s okay,” Victor reassured him, wrapping his arms tightly around Yuuri and kissing him, “I’m still here. I just get lost in my head.”

“I want to ask what you’re thinking, but I don’t want to make you say what you’re not ready to tell me,” Yuuri confessed, hugging him back, “It’s hard to know what to ask from you.”

Victor forced a warmer smile.

“You can ask me anything,” he answered quietly, “I will tell you if I can’t tell you something.”

“There is something that’s been bothering me,” Yuuri admitted, looking at him warily.

“What is it?” Victor asked, stiffening very slightly.

“Um,” Yuuri waffled, looking unsure of himself, “I’m not sure how to ask you this, but I…I have sometimes heard you being sick after eating.”

_Ah…I see._

“Sometimes, I just feel sick when I eat.”

“Are you forcing yourself to eat when you’re not hungry?” Yuuri asked, “Or…Victor, are you…are you…?”

He lowered his eyes, unable to continue. Victor captured him under the chin and lifted it so that they were looking into each others’ eyes.

_Can I say this?_

_Will I scare him even more?_

_What should I do?_

“You wonder if I might be throwing up my food on purpose? Is that it?”

_I don’t think I sounded angry._

Yuuri’s gentle eyes filled with tears.

“Victor, I…”

“Some of each?” Victor answered haltingly, “Sorry, I know that’s hard for you to hear, Yuuri.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri answered in a muted sob, “I already suspected, but…I’m glad you could tell me.”

“I’m trying as hard as I can to tell you things,” Victor said comfortingly, “I just don’t always know.”

“You can tell me you’re not sure,” Yuuri encouraged him, “It’s better than me just worrying and not being able to talk to you.”

“You can always talk to me,” Victor said firmly.

“But,” Yuuri said uncertainly, “you’re not always there, even when you’re with me. I feel it, but I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re already doing everything you can,” Victor acknowledged, “I couldn’t ask for better support than you and everyone here. It’s just that there are things…parts to my healing that I have to do. I’m trying, but it’s hard.”

“I know. I’m here.”

“I know you are, Yuuri,” Victor said, burying his face in Yuuri’s shoulder, “Do you still want to take that walk?”

“What do you want to do?” Yuuri asked, “I’ll do anything you want, whether or not we eat or walk or anything else. Please, just tell me what you need.”

Victor was surprised by a sudden feeling, as though a heavy weight had been lifted. Tears of gratitude burned in his eyes and he hugged Yuuri tightly and turned him towards the bed.

“Can we just hold each other for awhile?” he requested, lacing their fingers together.

“Okay.”

They slid into the bed and Victor smiled at the surprised look Yuuri gave him, when he pulled Yuuri to his shoulder to comfort him.

_I’ve been leaning on him so much lately. I’ve been letting him hold me and comfort me, but I haven’t been able to hold him._

“Victor!” Yuuri sobbed into his shoulder, his body shaking all over as his anxiety came pouring out.

“It’s okay,” Victor sighed, finally finding an honest smile on his lips, “I’m here now. I have you.”

“I was so scared! It seemed like you were pulling away from me, and I didn’t know what to do!”

“I won’t leave you. I promise,” Victor whispered into his ear, “I might have to be quiet. I might feel sick sometimes and throw up my food. I might shake in your arms, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t hold you too. I’m here. I’m staying right here.”

Yuuri’s face lifted and he kissed Victor desperately, clutching at his yukata.

“I love you! I love you so much!” he moaned, turning.

He felt Victor stiffen and let out a gasp as the motion caused Yuuri’s knees to push his lover’s thighs apart. Yuuri tore free of him, backing away as Victor pulled his knees to his chest, quivering visibly.

“S-sorry!” Yuuri managed, his face going white, “I didn’t mean to…”

“I know,” Victor whispered, keeping his eyes tightly closed as waves of revulsion jolted him inside, “G-give me a moment.”

He breathed slowly, using the relaxation technique he had been taught and slowly regaining control of his anguished body. His muscles loosened in stages, and he released his knees and motioned for Yuuri to move closer again.

“Sh-should I?” Yuuri asked in a shaky voice, “Are you sure it’s okay?”

“It’s okay now,” Victor reassured him, “I just…my body reacted. I just have to calm down a little.”

“I’m sorry! I promise I won’t…”

“Yuuri, you don’t have to apologize.”

“But I hurt you!” Yuuri insisted.

“No. I wasn’t hurt. I just had a bad memory, but that’s not your fault.”

“But, I shouldn’t have started to act like that with you!”

“Not act like what? Like you love me?” Victor asked sternly, “Like you need my comfort? Like you’ve been scared for me? I want you to be…to be able to hold me and be held by me. I want you to be able to hug and kiss me. Yuuri, I want for us to be able to make love.”

“But we aren’t there yet!” Yuuri sobbed, “I pushed you when you weren’t ready!”

“No, you didn’t. You felt me react and you backed off,” Victor said comfortingly, “Come and let me hold you. I’m okay now.”

Yuuri shivered with indecision, but slowly and cautiously returned to Victor’s side, sliding into is arms and resting his head on Victor’s shoulder.

“It’s going to be a long time before we are back to how we were,” Victor whispered into his ear, but we are not going to give up, okay?”

“Okay.”

“We’re going to have times when we have to stop or step back a little, but we will be all right.”

“We will,” Yuuri whispered back.

A tap on the bedroom door made the two exchange glances for a moment. Victor nodded briefly and Yuuri left the bed and opened the door. His breath caught at the sight of the tall, solemn looking grey-eyed man who stood beside Hiroko.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” Hiroko said, looking from Yuuri’s shocked face to Victor’s, “but this man says that he is Vic-chan’s father.”


	9. The Lady Chimera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's father brings stunning information to his estranged son.

“What are you doing here?” Victor asked, staring.

The grey-eyed man glanced at Yuuri, then looked back at Victor, who remained sitting in the bed, propped up with pillows, his fingers clenching the covers.

“I would prefer to speak to you alone, Vitya,” the man said in Russian.

Victor gazed back at him silently for a long moment, before giving a small, conciliatory nod.

“Yuuri, Hiroko-san, will you please excuse us?” Victor asked politely in English.

“S-sure,” Yuuri answered uneasily, turning out of the room and closing the door behind him.

Victor waited silently, his blue-green eyes watchful and untrusting, as his father approached.

“I…heard that you were attacked,” his father explained, continuing to speak in Russian, “I tried to call you, but…your cell phone number is different.”

“I had it changed when I started earning enough with my skating to pay my own bills, and I took it off of your account and made my own. That was years ago,” Victor answered, continuing to speak in English, “I should have told you. I just assumed you would notice.”

“I did see that. I just didn’t know the number was different. In any case, I was worried about you. I just heard that you were…at a banquet and…”

“I was raped,” Victor provided stonily, “That shouldn’t surprise you. You always cautioned me against being weak.”

“I don’t think you are weak.”

Victor glared back at him coldly.

“Why did you come here?”

“I tried to contact you, as I said, but I couldn’t reach you. Then, I heard you were treated at the hospital, then released and flown to Japan. I contacted Yakov and…”

“He shouldn’t have told you anything, except that I am alive and I am fine.”

“It’s obvious you are not fine, Vitya. I am…sorry. I shouldn’t have let so many years pass without calling you,” the elder man said apologetically, “I just thought that it looked like you were happy. You seemed to move on…”

“So did you,” Victor said, matter-of-factly.

“Are you still angry about me starting a new life, Vitya?” his father asked.

Victor gave an agitated sigh.

“I was never angry about you starting a new life,” he answered in a low, rough tone, “I was angry at how easily you forgot you had an old one.”

His father’s grey eyes radiated with a deeply troubled look.

“I am…sure it seemed that way to you.”

“It _seemed_ that way?” Victor asked sarcastically, continuing to speak in English.

“Vitya,” the elder man said, moving closer to him, “why do you speak to me like a stranger? Like a foreigner?”

“Why do you treat me like one?” Victor asked bluntly.

“I don’t mean to,” his father assured him, “It’s just that…you’re very different from the way I remember you.”

“You mean, I don’t look so much like her that you have to pretend I don’t exist? Damn it! I don’t know why you are here! This is the last thing I need!”

“You’ve been hurt. You need your _family_!” his father said stridently.

“Yuuri’s family _is_ my family!” Victor shouted back, tears burning in his eyes, “Besides Yakov, they are my _only_ family! I want you to leave.”

“I understand that,” his father said, calming slightly, “but I can’t leave until I explain something important to you.”

“I have nothing I want to hear from you!” Victor said sullenly, “You pretend I don’t exist for over ten goddamned years, then you think you can walk in and just… _WHY ARE YOU HERE_?”

“I want to help,” the elder man said with forced calm.

“I don’t need your help,” Victor snapped, “I have people who actually give a shit about me, taking care of me. I have competent doctors taking care of my recovery. I am a rich man, so I don’t need your money. I don’t need anything from you at all!”

“But you do,” his father insisted, “Vitya, there are things that you don’t know about…about what happened to your mother.”

“I know she took her own life,” Victor said coldly, “And you and I both know why.”

“You still think this is about me leaving her?”

“No, it’s about you leaving me alone, right now, before I have you kicked out of here forcibly,” Victor said angrily, “You don’t get to abandon Mother and me, let her die and ignore me after, then just show up and tell me there are things I don’t know. If there were things I needed to hear, you should have told them to me before! Now, get out. I want you to leave!”

“I will leave, but you must hear me out, Vitya!” his father insisted, “You were a _child_ when we sent you to the skating academy.”

“I was old enough to see that you and Mother weren’t in love. At least, it became clear when you left as soon as I was out the door and settled in at the academy!”

“I know that’s how it looked, but you weren’t there, and even when you were, there were things you didn’t see…you didn’t know. You were too young, so we couldn’t explain to you!”

“What? That you were married because she was already pregnant with me?” Victor said accusingly, “That I was just a goddamned _mistake_? That you didn’t even sleep together? That you were only waiting until I was gone to leave? I knew _all of these things_! What more could you possibly think I need to know than that?”

“Vitya,” his father said bracingly, “I know that is how it seemed on the surface, but the reasons that things were like that are not what you think they are, and I can prove that to you, if you will only let me!”

“You want me to listen to you?” Victor hissed furiously, “You give me one reason…one good reason why I shouldn’t have you kicked out of here right now!”

“You want a reason?” the elder man said solemnly, “Very well. The reason that you should listen is that the attack on you may trigger unexpected things with you.”

“What?”

“I don’t know if it will, but if there is a chance that something like what happened to Elena could happen to you, then I must make sure that you have what you need to protect yourself.”

“I told you that I am getting the help I need,” Victor snapped, “I have doctors taking care of my physical and mental needs. I am not dying and I am not suicidal, if that is what you were implying!”

“I am not making accusations, son.”

“Don’t call me that! You aren’t my family anymore.”

“Family doesn’t work like that, Vitya. You don’t just say they’re not your family anymore and they’re not.”

“What would _you_ know about being family?” Victor accused him, “You haven’t acted like family. You’ve ignored me like a stranger, until I am one to you. Then, you came here, claiming to care about me. I don’t know why you’re really here, but I don’t need your help. I told you I want you to go!”

“And I’ve told you that I will, as soon as I’ve told you about your mother. It isn’t like you think. I swear to you, I did love your mother.”

“You had a rotten way of showing that. And you did no better with me.”

“I know, I’ve made mistakes, but…”

“And I was one of them,” Victor said icily, “You walked away. I didn’t ask you to come back. You could have just continued to ignore me. I wouldn’t have ever said anything!”

“But, I couldn’t!” his father insisted, clenching his hands, “I told you, I did love your mother, and I only didn’t call because it seemed you were happy. If that wasn’t true, I am sorry. I didn’t know! You were always smiling. You were always surrounded by happy people. I didn’t think that you wanted a constant reminder of the past. But we need to put all of that aside. The most important thing is that while you are healing, your caretakers and you know what really afflicted your mother, and what happened that made her leave me!”

“What do you mean? She left you?” Victor asked in a surprised tone, “That can’t be right. It was you! You went and slept with that woman you married less than a year after you left Mother.”

“Did Elena tell you that?”

“No,” Victor said, looking down at the bedding, “But it was obvious enough. You made me by mistake, so I just assumed you made another. You know, this is why they sell birth control. You must be stupid, making a mistake like that twice.”

Victor stiffened in surprise and he took a hissing breath as his father’s hand caught him under the chin, forcing their eyes to clash.

“Not one of the children I’ve made with Yulia is a _mistake_!” he hissed in an enraged tone that warned Victor to hold perfectly still, “And…neither are you! Don’t _ever_ say a lie like that again!”

He let go of Victor and turned towards the window, looking out where the sky had clouded over and rain was beginning to fall outside.

“Then,” Victor said tentatively, “why? Why was I born only four months after you were married? I know I wasn’t premature.”

“No,” his father agreed in a gentler tone, “you weren’t. But I need to explain.”

He turned away from the window and walked back to the bed, where he sat down on the edge and looked silently into his son’s wary eyes.

“Elena, your mother,” he said, taking Victor’s pale hand in his, “was very special.”

His expression warmed as he remembered.

“I was in University when I was younger and we were on a break, so I went on an excursion to an artist’s colony on the edge of town. I was in business, but art always interested me, and it was fascinating going to see how these artists lived and worked. It was there, I spotted a painting and an artist that _stole my breath away_!”

He paused, giving Victor a little nod.

“I have heard it said that you have a gift like your mother’s, and I’ve seen in the programs you make, that it’s true. People say about you what they said about your mother’s painting. Like your programs and your skating, your mother’s art created another world and it was so compelling that you couldn’t look away. It drew you in and, for a little while, made you a part of that world. The experience was so magical when I saw that first painting, I broke the rules for the trip and I spoke to her directly…just…you must understand, when I first met Elena, she was not the person you knew.”

“What?” Victor asked, giving him a confused look, “What does that mean?”

“I told you that Elena was special,” his father continued, but some people looked at her as flawed. You see, Elena was born with ambiguous _features_.”

“I don’t understand,” Victor said, looking more stymied.

“The truth is, Elena was born intersex. She had some male and some female qualities.”

“What?”

“Of course, you wouldn’t know. By the time you were born, we were married, and Elena had transitioned to living as a female. But, when she was born, her parents looked at her and they saw a boy. That was what they considered her, and they simply ignored the rest. They dressed her as a boy and she grew up that way. She lived as a man until she moved to the artist’s colony, and we met. The painting I saw there was of the two sides that when I spoke to her, she confessed were the sides of her identity. The male side was downcast and tears ran down his face. His hands were tied and his face in agony. But the female side was lit like the sun, vibrant, alive. She said that her painting was the only place that she could be like that.”

“And you…disagreed with that?” Victor asked, giving the elder man a sideways glance.

“I told her it was bullshit,” his father chuckled, earning the beginnings of a smile from his still wary son, “I told her that she was old enough to be who she was. No one should tell her how to look at herself. I had to go back with my group, but the next weekend, I went there myself and asked her out. We went walking and we spent time getting to know each other better. I continued to see her, and each time, I brought her feminine clothing as gifts, and she would go out with me as a female. When I finished college, we were very much in love, so I asked her to marry me.”

“What did she say?”

“Oh, she said yes, of course. But when we went to make the arrangements, we found that her parents had put on her birth certificate that she was a boy. You know that…”

“Two people of the same gender can’t get married,” Victor finished, giving his father a shocked look, “So, you…?”

“We had to prove that the birth certificate was wrong. We knew if she could bear children, we could argue it, get it changed. So, you see, you were no mistake. You were our miracle. Because of you, we were able to get her records changed and eventually, we could get married. It was late, but that didn’t matter. We were happy.”

Victor studied his father’s face questioningly.

“What happened? If you were happy, then…why was it like I remember? Why did you not sleep with her? Why did you leave?”

“Vitya, you have to remember that Elena was forced to grow up a boy. She a penis like a boy, although it was imperfect. She had a vagina, ovaries, a uterus. She menstruated. All of this, her parents hid, because they didn’t want her stigmatized as being different. The truth is…they couldn’t take away the fact of her female side…and poor Elena could not erase the male side that she was forced to live for most of her life. Even though we were happy, she suffered from terrible chemical imbalances that her parents had refused to have treated. She became depressed, and her depression persisted, even after we were married. I want to ask you, Vitya. Do you remember from your childhood that if you called out at night, it was always me who came to you?”

Victor’s eyes grew uncertain for a moment, then they cleared and he nodded briefly.

“I remember that.”

“We began sleeping apart, because…in one of Elena’s episodes, she tried to smother me.”

Victor gave him a bewildered look.

“What? Why? Why would she do that?” he asked, his voice shaking, “Are you sure you are…?”

“I am sure,” his father affirmed, “You see, being forced to live the way she did for so long, Elena’s personality was affected. And even though she was happy when she transitioned to life as a female, she had periods of depression and anxiety over the boy she had been raised. He appeared sometimes as an alternate personality, scolding her in her head. I would find her standing in front of the mirror, speaking in her male voice, saying horrible things!”

“You are telling me that she was mentally ill?” Victor asked softly, his eyes misting, “And what? Do you think that somehow I am too or something? None of this affects me.”

“I haven’t told you everything,” his father cautioned him.

“What more is there?” Victor asked, looking away, “You say she left you? How did that happen?”

His father nodded and continued.

“Just before your acceptance into the skating academy, something happened. We had been careful that her door was locked at night, but…”

Victor’s eyes widened and his breath caught.

“You remember?” the elder man asked.

Victor’s face paled and he nodded shakily.

“I used to pick the lock while you were asleep. I used to go and sleep in her room when I was scared.”

“I didn’t know you were doing this, and Elena didn’t remember in the mornings when it happened. I don’t know how many times you went to sleep in her room, but one night…”

“No!” Victor interrupted in a sharp voice, shaking his head, “I don’t remember ever…”

His father gazed at him wordlessly, watching as Victor’s teeth clenched and he shut his eyes tightly.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to remember, Vitya,” the elder man said bracingly, “You don’t have to. I was there. I heard your muffled cries and I went in and saw it.”

Victor stared at him wordlessly, tears leaking onto is white face.

“I had my arms around her, holding her away, but she came out of it and she saw you staring at her and crying. She tried to touch you to comfort you, and you cringed away. Vitya, that night, everything fell apart. I don’t know why you couldn’t remember. I took you for counseling and your counselor said that you blocked it out. Your mother and I talked, and we decided to go ahead with sending you to the academy. You left, and that day, she checked into a mental hospital. She…told them not to let me see her, and then, a week later, she began divorce proceedings.”

“And they allowed that?” Victor asked, “With her not being in her right mind?”

“She was perfectly lucid when she met with her attorney. Her condition wasn’t always in control, so her wishes were respected by the court. Her counselors warned me that if I resisted, I could make her condition worse. It was better, they said, to go along with her and let them treat her. We all hoped that eventually, she would improve, and that she would change her mind. I know she was only protecting me, but my hands were tied. I tried to still visit, but she wouldn’t allow me in. Eventually, with you gone, with Elena gone, I admit I gave in. I sold the house and all of her paintings…except that one.”

He took out his cell phone and called up an image, then he extended the phone in Victor’s direction. He studied the photo in silence for several long minutes, then nodded and handed the phone back to his father.

“Your counselor told me that even though you didn’t remember the incident, it could come back to you. I didn’t want it to come back, so I stayed away. I moved out of town. And while I was getting over everything, I met Yulia. She was quiet, kind, a good listener, and she filled that space for me. It was probably wrong and too fast, but I was anxious to put everything behind me. Less than a year after you left home, I married Yulia and we started a new family together. I didn’t forget Elena and I didn’t forget you. I watched and recorded every one of your performances, and I still went faithfully to try to see Elena, but she still refused to let me in. Even so, the doctors said that she was working hard in therapy. Vitya, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why she stole those pills and took them all at once. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know which side of her was out of control. It still haunts me that it could be my fault. I’m as ready to blame myself as you are to blame me. And maybe I am at fault. I just don’t know. But I thought that, given the hurt that was done to you, you should at least know the truth, so that if…if during your treatment, you should recall something or…”

“I understand,” Victor said quietly, “And you are probably right that my counselor should know.”

The two men gazed at each other in silence for a moment, then the elder Nikiforov smiled sadly.

“You are still our miracle, Vitya,” he said softly, his eyes nostalgic, “You have your mother’s gift. You create new worlds and transport people there with your beautiful skating. I am proud of you, and I wish that I had made better choices.”

He picked up a pad of paper and pen that sat on the nightstand, and he wrote for a few moments, then set them down again.

“You have three half-sisters and a five-year-old half-brother,” he informed Victor, “If the time comes that you want to meet them, you are welcome to come. You have our number and our address.”

“How would Yulia feel about that?” Victor asked, looking up at him.

“Yulia would be happy to meet you,” he father said, giving him a warmer smile, “She is a big fan of yours. We all are.”

“And what about my fiancé? What about Yuuri? Is he welcome also?” Victor asked.

His father looked at the closed door and nodded.

“I can see clearly that you love him. And look at the lengths he goes to, to take care of you. Yuuri is as welcome in our home as you are, Vitya. But take your time. Follow your doctors’ orders and get well.”

“Are you going back to Russia now?” asked Victor.

The elder man paused, giving him a measured look.

“Do you…wish for me to stay longer?”

“Maybe,” Victor said, smirking very slightly, “but if you do, you need to speak English in this house…so we can all understand each other.”

Victor’s father smiled.

“It’s a deal.”

Victor nodded approvingly.

“Will you ask Yuuri to come in now?” he requested.

His father left the room and returned a moment later with Yuuri at his side.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, indicating the elder man, “I would like you to meet my father, Mischa Nikiforov.”

“Father, this is my fiancé, Yuuri Katsuki.”

“Greetings, Mr. Nikiforov,” Yuuri said, gazing up at the tall man with wide eyes, “It’s good to meet you.”

“Yuuri,” Mischa answered, taking Yuuri’s hand and bowing his head respectfully, “the pleasure is mine.”


	10. Monster in Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles with his emotions about the rape.

Late at night, after the inn had gone quiet, and guests and staff were in bed and asleep, Victor shifted restlessly in Yuuri’s arms, breaking out in a nervous sweat as he began to remember.

_He stood, again, in the gardens of the hotel where the banquet had taken place, looking up at the bright, pretty moon and finishing the last of his champagne. Daydreaming, as he was, of his and Yuuri’s beautiful future together, he didn’t notice the person who was watching him closely and moving into position behind him._

_He turned his head to look around at the little snapping of a twig, but didn’t see anything, so he turned his attention back to the moon and stars, not realizing as he thought happily about his lover and fiancé, that everything in his world was about to change._

_Time seemed to slow as his attacker’s arm wrapped around his waist, fooling him into thinking that it was just Yuuri taking hold of him. Then, the arm around his neck warned him a moment too late of the danger that had caught him, drunk and off guard._

_He seemed to separate from his body, and he watched as the dark figure behind him knocked him off his feet, then choked him into submission. There was a small opportunity when the man released his hold on Victor’s throat, but being affected by the alcohol, he wasn’t fast enough, and was only slammed down against the ground and incapacitated._

_The man hissed out a few words as he attacked._

_Trash._

_Whore._

_Thief._

_Victor felt a strange shiver run down his spine as he also realized._

_His scent is like…_

Victor sat up suddenly in bed, panting and shaking so hard that it instantly woke Yuuri also. Yuuri instinctively wrapped his arms around Victor and held him close as the Russian skater struggled to gain enough control to speak.

“Victor…” Yuuri whispered, his dark eyes sad and sympathetic.

“S-sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Yuuri said reassuringly, touching his lover’s sweaty face and kissing his cheek.

Victor’s teeth clenched and he swallowed hard, closing his eyes and shivering, even though the room was warm.

“Was it about…what happened?” Yuuri asked, “Or was it a panic attack?”

Victor took a shuddering breath.

“It was about the rape,” he answered, when he could make his voice sound.

Yuuri’s eyes widened.

“Did you remember something you didn’t before?” he asked cautiously.

Victor buried his face in his slighter partner’s shoulder, working to get his breaths to slow down and his heart to stop racing.

“Yes.”

Yuuri waited silently as Victor continued calm. He ran his fingers through a tumble of silvery hairs and kissed him on the side of the neck.

“I remember he used a rough, hissing voice, probably to hide his real one,” Victor explained, “As he was raping me, he called me trash. He said I was a whore. He called me a thief.”

“A thief?” Yuuri repeated, frowning, “Why would he call you a thief? I mean, you aren’t any of those things, but him calling you a thief is pretty weird. If you’re a thief, then what is it that he thinks you stole?”

“I don’t know,” Victor said almost soundlessly, “A girlfriend, maybe? I don’t remember stealing anyone’s girlfriend before. I don’t know what he meant. But I also remembered that…he was wearing the same cologne that I do. I think I didn’t originally remember, because it blended in with my own scent. But, during part of the attack, h-he bent over me and whispered _thief_ into my ear. That’s when I smelled his cologne.”

Victor felt his stomach clench suddenly, and he hurriedly exited the bed and ran into the bathroom, where he dropped to his knees, heaving violently. Yuuri followed on his heels and settled alongside him, holding him gently and comforting him as he expelled everything, then collapsed, letting his weight fall against his anxious partner. Yuuri reached up and filled a glass with water, then gave it to Victor, who used it to rinse his mouth out, then fell back against Yuuri, panting wearily.

“It’s okay. You’ll be okay,” Yuuri soothed him, “I’m right here.”

“I feel so dizzy,” Victor whispered, “It’s feels like I might pass out.”

Yuuri nodded.

“You’re breathing too fast. Let’s start with that. Breathe in as slowly as you can. Eight seconds in, then eight seconds out. I’ll breathe with you.”

“Okay.”

“Breathe in…and breathe out…breathe in…and breathe out. What do you feel with your senses?” What’s touching you?

“You are, Yuuri.” Victor sighed, closing his eyes.

“And what does that feel like?”

“Your hands are warm and they feel smooth where they touch my face. Your cheek is cool and feels soft against mine.”

“Good. What do you smell?”

“I smell Yuuri’s scent…light, a little bit sweet. You have a little of the scent of the hot spring still on you.”

“Good. Let’s breathe together again. In for eight seconds…and out. In for eight seconds. Out.”

“I think this is helping,” Victor said as he breathed out, “I feel less dizzy and my stomach doesn’t feel so bad.”

“I’m glad,” Yuuri said in a relieved tone, “You look better too.”

Victor sighed again, resting against Yuuri and continuing to draw long, slow breaths. He felt his body slowly returning to a calmer state, but his mind continued working on the puzzle that his returning memory had posed for him.

_He called me a thief._

_What was it that he thinks I took from him, or from someone he cares about. This sounds so personal…not random at all, but focused and thought out. He knew I would be there that night, and he went there with the intent of hurting me._

_But is he a romantic rival? I don’t know about that. I have dated and slept with a lot of people before I met Yuuri, but I never broke up relationships, at least not that I knew._

_Could it be a skating rival? If so, then why there? Why then?_

_So many questions…_

_I need to think._

His eyes opened and he regarded Yuuri’s questioning gaze silently for a moment.

“I want to skate,” he said, earning a look of surprise from his lover.

“You want to skate…now?” Yuuri asked, “But, it’s the middle of the night!”

“I want to skate, right now,” Victor insisted, “Yuko and Takeshi said that I can go there anytime. I have my own key and the code for the alarm.”

“What?” Yuuri mused, giving him a startled look, “When did they do that? They never gave me a key to the building.”

“I think they realized that it would probably be good for me to keep busy and to practice so that I work through everything and focus on something besides what happened to me.”

“Yeah, that sounds like something they would do. They’re really good people.”

“Yes, they are.”

Victor took a steadying breath and pulled free of Yuuri, and he climbed to his feet. Instantly, stars began to dance in front of his eyes and he pressed up against Yuuri.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked anxiously.

“I am as well as can be expected.”

“Which is to say not good at all,” Yuuri said worriedly, “Victor, maybe this isn’t a good idea. You’re still recovering.”

“But, I want to skate. I can relax while I am skating. I can…think.”

“I know, but you also need rest and time to fully recover.”

Victor shook his head firmly.

“I need to go to the ice rink,” he insisted.

Yuuri took a shaky breath.

“Okay,” he capitulated, “we’ll go. Just, at least dress warmly, and if you feel bad at all, you tell me and I’ll take care of you.”

“I know you will,” Victor said, smiling, “You always take care of me.”

“You take care of me, too,” Yuuri said, smiling and kissing him on the cheek.

Victor froze at the touch of his lips, and Yuuri drew back reflexively.

“Victor…”

“It’s fine,” his silver-haired partner assured him.

Victor looked quietly into Yuuri’s dark, concerned eyes and leaned forward to kiss him on the mouth. He kept the contact light and gentle, slipping his arms around Yuuri and holding him almost cautiously. Yuuri leaned into the kiss, careful to keep his hands from clenching where they rested, opened, on the silver-haired man’s chest. Victor moved forward, nudging him slowly out of the bathroom and back in the direction of the bed. They reached it a few steps later and paused, looking quietly into each other’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, holding still, “You don’t have to…”

He lost his breath as Victor moved forward, bringing him down onto the bed, on his back. He leaned over his quietly watching partner, kneeling between Yuuri’s parted thighs and not quite lowering himself all of the way. He kissed Yuuri more slowly, savoring his lips tenderly, then he brought his body down until they were touching, but not with his full weight.

Victor shivered as another flash of memory assaulted his mind.

_You are miserable trash!_

He swallowed hard, forcing the thought away as he met Yuuri for another powerfully warm kiss.

_Spread your legs, filthy, useless whore! They’re too weak to be good for anything else now, aren’t they?_

Victor sucked in a sharp breath and crawled hastily off of Yuuri’s body. Then, he knelt beside his curiously watching partner, panting softly and shaking all over.

“It’s okay, just breathe slowly,” Yuuri said soothingly, climbing onto his knees and hugging his quivering lover, “Just keep breathing slowly. We’ll get through this too.”

Victor’s throat felt too tight for him to speak, but he nodded briefly to show he was listening. He calmed gradually, until he was relaxed against Yuuri and his heart slowed to a more normal rhythm. Yuuri’s hand squeezed his supportively.

“We’ll take our time,” Yuuri reassured him, “I know this is so difficult, but I’m here for you. My family is here. Your father is here, and so are all of our friends. These are just little setbacks.”

“This isn’t little, Yuuri,” Victor managed in a low, rough voice, “I can’t even…”

“Shh, don’t think about that right now. Don’t focus on what’s out of reach. Focus on what we can do. We can take calm breaths. We can kiss each other and hold hands. We can take small steps, Victor. We don’t need to rush.”

“I keep remembering more and more,” Victor explained, “It’s getting worse, not better!”

“Then, we’ll just keep fighting!” Yuuri insisted.

“I’m not giving up,” Victor assured him, “I am just…saying that right now, it seems things are getting worse.”

“But, if you are remembering things, then you should be sure to forward whatever you recall to the detective handling your case.”

“I don’t know if I have remembered anything all that useful,” Victor sighed unhappily, “When something does come back to me, I do focus on it and try to push myself to remember more.”

“I know you want to remember more,” Yuuri acknowledged, “but it’s not good for you to push yourself too hard too soon. The stress isn’t good for your mind or your recovering body. You know that.”

“I do,” Victor agreed.

“Now, you said that you wanted to skate?” Yuuri asked, “Do you still want to go?”

Victor considered quietly, his expression pensive.

“I do,” he decided, “I know it sounds a little crazy, but…”

“It doesn’t sound crazy at all,” Yuuri said, taking Victor’s hands in his, “Victor, whoever hurt you was trying to take away the things that matter to you. We can’t let them do that. Skating is something that means everything to you.”

“You mean far more,” Victor said, giving him a small, tentative smile.

“Well, you have me. So now, we’re going to give you back your skating too. We’ll go to Ice Castle Hasetsu and we’ll get you back on skates! That will have you feeling more like yourself in no time, right?”

“Maybe,” Victor agreed hesitantly.

“I’m sure it will,” Yuuri insisted, “Come on. Let’s go now.”

The two hastily dressed, then they slipped out into the darkness, heading for Ice Castle Hasetsu. Yuuri kept them at a jog to shorten the journey, and to distract his anxious partner out of his worries. They arrived at the rink, and Victor deactivated the alarm and opened the door for them. They headed inside, locking the door behind them.

Victor slowed as he approached the ice, and he breathed in the icy air, feeling a little sense of relief and happiness to be there again.

“There are so many happy memories here,” he said softly to Yuuri as the two donned their skates.

They stepped onto the ice together.

Victor paused, looking down at his legs and hearing the rough, hissing voice from before.

_Spread your legs, filthy, useless whore! They’re too weak to be good for anything else now, aren’t they?_

He swallowed hard and forced the voice away violently, moving his feet just a little. As Yuuri watched, Victor began to move in practiced figures.

“That’s right,” he said approvingly, “We’ll start small and rebuild everything. You know what Yakov always says to you. _Move in small steps and soon you will be making great strides._ ”

“Since when do you quote Yakov?” Victor chuckled, finally managing a smile.

“Since he actually said something true and useful,”Yuuri snickered.

“I’m telling him you said that,” Victor warned him playfully.

Yuuri moved forward, shadowing Victor as he continued at a slow, steady pace. He closed his eyes, making the moves easily, even without the use of his eyes. And as he moved, the heavy feelings that had been swirling around him, seemed to recede. Fresh, cold air filled his lungs, bringing new life into his limbs. He moved faster, finishing his warm up and beginning to skate freely. Yuuri continued to move alongside him, shadowing him perfectly, as though sensing the moves before Victor made them.

 _I needed this so much!_ Victor realized, _Ever since I became a figure skater, this…the ice…it is where I find my center, my foundation. Everything I am is built from here. When I was attacked, I broke apart and the pieces of me scattered in all directions. Slowly, slowly, I am picking them up and setting them back in place._

_It just takes time._

_Time._

_Patience._

_Love._

_Whatever happens, I won’t let that man’s wickedness take away all of the beauty of living. I will remember that there are always beautiful things around me…beautiful people. There are always people loving me and supporting me._

_I am not alone._

_I am never alone._

_Thank you, Yuuri, for helping me to keep remembering that._


	11. Ice Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Victor continues his healing, Yuuri grows a step closer to his future father-in-law.

Victor woke at his usual time, early in the morning, but he lingered in bed, snuggling up to Yuuri’s naked back. He pressed his nose into the juncture of his cutely sleeping partner’s soft neck and muscular shoulder, enjoying Yuuri’s warm, attractive scent. A little smile reached his lips as he felt himself begin to harden in reaction.

_I’ve been so stressed over what happened that I haven’t really been able to feel aroused. My counselor said that I would gradually calm and begin to go back to normal, but I wasn’t sure. I still don’t know how far I can go without getting panicky again._

_But, I won’t know my limits unless I test them, will I?_

_My attacker tried to take away the pleasure that comes from being close to my lover. I want to regain my physical closeness with Yuuri._

_Maybe…I can take a step forward now?_

Very slowly, he let one hand slide down over Yuuri’s soft belly, following the line of delicate hairs to lightly tease the warm, flaccid treasure between his thighs. At his touch, Yuuri gave a little pleased sigh and pushed up against the hand that pleasured him.

“Mmm, Victor,” he breathed sleepily.

Victor kept the motion of his hand slow and the pressure light as Yuuri’s hardness swelled beneath his palm and curled fingers.

“Does it feel good, Yuuri?” he whispered into his lover’s ear, teasing the soft earlobe with his warm breath.

“Mmhmm,” Yuuri mumbled, moving his hips to thrust into Victor’s stroking hand, “V-victor, it feels so good to be touched by you. It’s been awhile.”

A little bite on his throat made Yuuri moan desirously.

“What do you want, Yuuri?” Victor asked softly.

Yuuri’s dark eyes opened and he peeked over his shoulder to look at his handsome partner.

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” he answered, “We can do whatever you feel like doing. You can just play with me or you can make love to me. Just…don’t force yourself. It all feels good to me.”

“Thank you,” Victor sighed, nipping his earlobe, then he made a line of kisses along the side of Yuuri’s blushing neck.

The hand curled around Yuuri’s swollen member tightened and stroked faster and Victor pressed his own hardness up against his lover’s soft bottom and moved his hips to create pleasant friction. He thought he might have felt a little quiver of returning anxiety, but Yuuri’s aroused voice sounded and brought him back into the moment.

“Victor!” Yuuri moaned, writhing under his lover’s caress.

“What do you want me to do to you?” Victor breathed hotly in his ear, his voice and the touch of his breath making Yuuri groan wantonly and push back against Victor’s alert member.

“In-inside!” Yuuri panted, raising his bottom, “P-please put it inside me, Victor!”

Victor took a steadying breath and teased Yuuri’s entrance gently, eliciting a deep, throaty sound of delight from his enraptured lover.

“Y-y-yeah!” Yuuri managed almost deliriously, “I want you so much, Victor!”

_I really want to._

_I want to make love to him._

_This is not at all like what was done to me. This is Yuuri and me wanting to be as close as it is physically possible for us to be. I feel Yuuri’s love and he feels mine._

_It’s okay._

_It’ll be fine if I do it._

_I would never hurt Yuuri and he would never hurt me._

He pushed forward, inserting just the already damp tip and continuing to tease his writhing, moaning partner. Yuuri raised his hips, pushing back against him and moaning voraciously. Victor continued the slow entry until he was fully engaged and Yuuri’s flushed face was written over with ecstasy.

“V-victor!” Yuuri gasped.

_Is he all right? I didn’t…?_

“It doesn’t hurt, does it?” Victor asked suddenly, his body tensing.

“N-no, t’s okay,” Yuuri assured him, “I like it! I like it when Victor makes love to me. Make love to me, Victor!”

Victor’s eyes softened and slid shut. He focused solely on the feeling of their joined bodies and the pleasure that it was causing them both. His hips moved and Yuuri moaned louder and pushed back against him in response. Again and again, he thrust into his lover, panting and bowing his head as he felt Yuuri’s body stiffen and begin to shudder in release. There was something deeply erotic about the sound that Yuuri made as he climaxed that sent Victor’s body, too, over and into release. He groaned and collapsed onto his lover’s sweating back, biting at the back of Yuuri’s neck and panting out affectionate exclamations in at least three languages. Yuuri rolled onto his back and Victor’s mouth found his and ravaged it hungrily.

“I love you,” Yuuri whispered, smiling up at him, making Victor smile and kiss him again.

“I love you too,” he whispered back, “Go back to sleep, love. You don’t have to get up yet.”

“But, I’m already awake,” Yuuri chuckled, sitting up and bringing Victor up with him, “I might as well get up with you. Were you going to go to the ice rink?”

Victor smiled warmly.

“How about a jog on the beach first?”

“Deal.”

They headed into the shower and stood quietly under the warm spray, hugging each other and exchanging wet kisses.

“Victor, is it okay if I bathe you?” Yuuri asked.

Victor smiled.

“Of course,” he invited his slighter partner.

He turned away, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of Yuuri’s soft, soapy hands caressing his shoulders and back, then sliding down each pale arm, massaging gently as they went. He remained calm and relaxed even as those hands crept over his bare bottom. He sighed and leaned back against Yuuri, and his lover, forgetting for a moment, slid an arm around his waist. Victor stiffened and gasped as a memory stabbed at him.

_He felt a man’s arm curl around his waist from behind, and he started to smile._

_“Yuuri…”_

_But, he realized a moment later as the person’s other arm curled around his neck, that the feel of the person’s arms and his scent was wrong. He reacted quickly, grabbing his attacker’s clothed arm as it tightened around his throat and began to squeeze._

Yuuri let go of him immediately and stepped back, covering his mouth and wearing an apologetic expression.

“Sorry!” he managed in an almost sobbing whisper, “I didn’t think…”

“It’s…it’s okay, Yuuri,” Victor assured him, closing his eyes for a moment and swallowing hard, “You know it’s going to happen sometimes.”

He forced a sad little laugh.

“Two steps forward, one step back,” he added, “Don’t worry. We’ll get through this.”

“I know, but…I don’t like it when I hurt you,” Yuuri whispered, reaching up to caress Victor’s damp cheek.

“You didn’t hurt me,” Victor assured him, taking his hands and kissing the wet fingertips, “My Yuuri would never hurt me. I know that.”

“Victor,” Yuuri said, tears mixing with the water on his face, “I wish that there was something I could do to make the memory go away.”

“Time will make it easier,” Victor reassured him, “I’ll…be calmer. I won’t jump anymore when someone touches me the wrong way. It really helps to be close to you…to feel your presence, to smell your scent.”

“It does?” Yuuri asked, regaining a faint smile.

“Yes, it does. Now, let’s finish up here. We still wanted to jog on the beach before going to the ice rink, right?”

“Right,” Yuuri agreed.

They finished washing themselves, then they exited the shower, dried off and dressed in workout clothes. They left the house and jogged down the quiet streets side by side. They slowed to a walk as they reached the beach and spotted Victor’s father, walking alone down near the water’s edge.

“Good morning, Father,” Victor greeted him.

“Good morning,” Yuuri said too.

“Good morning,” Mischa said pleasantly, “I see that you still rise early like we always did when you were young?”

“I do,” Victor affirmed, “Usually, Yuuri sleeps later, and I use the time to do my own training, before I begin his.”

“And you still run on the sand before you skate?”

“Yes,” Victor answered, “I guess, as much as things change, I am a creature of habit.”

“You always have been that,” his father observed, “but as I always told you…”

“Routine builds discipline,” Victor finished, smiling warmly, “I haven’t forgotten. That was good advice. I don’t think I could have been the skater I am if I hadn’t taken that bit of advice. I may frustrate Yakov in every other way, but I never fail to rise early and train hard.”

“Good boy,” Mischa chuckled, joining the two younger men as they continued jogging along the edge of the water.

“So, what do you think of Hasetsu so far?” Victor asked conversationally as they continued down the beach.

“It’s lovely,” Mischa said, smiling appreciatively, “Your mother would have enjoyed a place like this. There is so much beauty. I understand what made you want to come back here. There is much healing in a place like this.”

“I think so,” Victor agreed, “And it’s not just the land, it’s the people here too. Everyone, from Yuuri’s family to our friends, and even to the last of the villagers, they all make me feel so much at home. It feels like a safe place. Nothing bad has ever happened to me here. I know I have to go back to Russia eventually, but it is good to have this time here, in Japan.”

“I can tell it is good for you to be here,” Mischa agreed, “I truly hope that it helps you to heal and grow strong again.”

“I will,” Victor assured him, “With all of this support, how can I fail?”

The three men headed back up to the road, and slowed to a walk as they proceeded back in the direction of the ice rink. They stopped briefly at a café to enjoy hot tea and breakfast, then continued on to Ice Castle Hasetsu. Yuko greeted them cheerfully as they entered.

“Good morning, Yuuri-kun! Good morning, Vic-chan!”

“Good morning, Yu-chan!” Yuuri answered, “Yu-chan, I’d like you to meet Mischa Nikiforov. This is Victor’s father.”

“Vic-chan’s father?” the young woman repeated, her eyes rounding in surprise.

“It is nice to meet you,” Mischa offered politely, “My son has told me this morning about you and your husband and daughters.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Yuko replied, smiling widely, “I hope you are enjoying your visit.”

“Hasetsu seems a beautiful and friendly place,” Mischa answered, smiling back at her, “I can see why Victor chose this place for his recovery.”

“Well, everyone here loves Victor. So many good things have happened since he first came here to coach Yuuri-kun.”

“So, I have heard. I am here today to watch my son skate. It’s been a long time since I was able to see him skate in person.”

“Well, you’re welcome to go on in.”

The three men moved on to the locker area, where Victor changed into his skates. Mischa waited alongside Yuuri.

“Aren’t you going to skate as well?” the elder Nikiforov asked.

“Oh, yes, I’ll be skating in a little while. This is Victor’s practice time, so I’ll just be watching for now.”

“I see.”

They followed Victor into the arena and walked to the rink wall as Victor stepped onto the ice.

“I love watching him skate,” Yuuri sighed, leaning on the wall and training his eyes on Victor’s tall, slender form as he began his warm up, “I’ve watched and learned from Victor since I was little.”

“So, I’ve heard. I’ve heard many good things about you, Yuuri,” Mischa said, “I am glad that my son has a lover who cares so deeply about him.

Yuuri blushed.

“Victor is everything to me,” he answered softly, his eyes glued to the Russian skater’s dancing body as Victor moved around the ice, “I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t come to Hasetsu.”

“Well, I get the feeling that Victor feels the same about you,” Mischa reflected.

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Yuuri laughed anxiously, “Victor is a legend. He’s so famous. Everyone loves him. You heard Yuko.”

“I did,” Mischa affirmed, “but even though many eyes watch Victor and many people love him, there is a kind of love that he only receives from you.”

Yuuri’s flush darkened.

“I am not talking just about physical love,” the elder Nikiforov went on, “I am talking about a love that is so deep, it not just _allows_ , but encourages a person to be wholly himself or herself. Victor has many fans, and they do love him, but when he is with them, he feels he has to act or be a certain way in front of him. He can’t relax and be completely himself. I have seen that Victor is wholly himself when he is with you, Yuuri. It was like that with Victor’s mother and me…at least, at first.”

Yuuri’s dark eyes grew sad.

“Victor told me about Elena and you,” he confessed softly, “I hope that’s all right. I…I will keep it private.”

“I know you will,” Mischa said approvingly, “Yuuri, I know that the love that you and Victor have is very, very strong.”

Yuuri’s head tilted slightly and he looked back at the elder man questioningly.

“But…?” he prompted Mischa.

“Your love is very, very strong,” Mischa repeated, “but sometimes…even that is not enough. Mental and emotional anguish take a dreadful toll on a person’s heart. Victor is very strong, but even a strong person’s heart is fragile.”

Yuuri’s brown eyes registered comprehension and he nodded.

“You think that, even though Victor is really strong, he could struggle like his mom did?”

Mischa sighed sadly, watching as Victor moved through a breathtakingly lovely step sequence.

“Their struggles are different. Elena struggled with two identities, one that was male and forced upon her for years, and one that wanted only to be free and to be loved and accepted. Victor’s struggle is different. When he was attacked, his attacker had such an advantage that Victor’s physical strength wasn’t enough to protect him. You and I know that it was not that he didn’t have his own strength, it was just cruelly circumvented so that his attacker could gain an unfair advantage and wreak his havoc. I shudder to think of the hatred that must have been in the one who did this,” Mischa sighed, his voice shaking slightly, “That person’s hatred didn’t only touch Victor’s body, it attacked his mind and broke his heart. When I heard of this, I knew I had to come here and make things right with him again, no matter what it took. I don’t want him to be poisoned with the same affliction that killed Elena. I don’t want to lose him the way I lost her.”

Yuuri drew in a shaky breath and nodded.

“I don’t want to lose him either,” he agreed, “But, I don’t know what to do to help him. I mean, I’ve taken the advice of his counselor here, and I’m being as supportive as I can. But…it’s like Victor was saying this morning when I put my arm around him and he got spooked by it. Two steps forward, one step back.”

“It will be that way for awhile,” Mischa sighed, “maybe a long time. While a strong body heals quickly, it takes a long time to heal when the heart is broken.”

Yuuri’s eyes dampened as his mind conjured visions of Victor’s father suffering the torment of losing Elena. He moved a step closer to the elder man and looked out at Victor again.

“I promise, I’ll make sure that he gets well again…body…mind…and heart,” he answered solemnly.

“Yes,” Mischa said more softly, closing his eyes and squeezing Yuuri’s hand, “I believe you will.”


	12. Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor receives a frightening message.

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor woke at his usual early hour of the morning and gently disentangled his naked body from Yuuri’s, then climbed out of bed, running his fingers through the messy strands of his hair. He took his time selecting his clothes, then took a long, hot shower and dressed before leaving his sleeping fiancé and Maccachin curled up in the bed, and heading to the dining room for an early breakfast. Hiroko was already waiting and wore an especially happy smile.

“Happy birthday, Vic-chan!” she greeted him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Ah, thank you, Hiroko-san,” Victor answered, smiling and hugging her back, “Is my father up yet?”

“I haven’t heard him up and about yet, but he and Minako-san and Toshiya were up late, drinking and talking together.”

“My father seems to like it here as much as I do,” Victor chuckled, sitting down at the table.

His smile widened as Hiroko left for a moment, then returned with a plate of pancakes that had been decorated with fruit and whipped cream to look like a smiley face.

“That’s so cute!” He laughed, “Thank you, Hiroko-san!”

“Oh, it’s the least we can do for Vic-chan’s special day. And it being Christmas here, you and Yuuri should go to the Christmas market later on to look at the decorations. Yuuri can show you how we celebrate Christmas here. I know you do things differently in Russia.”

“But, it’s good to see how Yuuri celebrates things too,” Victor replied, digging into his meal.

Hiroko left him to go back to the kitchen and Victor pulled out his cell phone as he continued to eat alone.

_I know Yuuri has been going through and taking care of communications for me. I’ve barely touched my phone at all since that night. I suppose it’s time to let the world know I’m alive._

He checked his messages, then opened his Instagram to look over recent posts.

_I should get in touch with Chris. It looked like he and Yuuri have been messaging a bit. I can tell Chris has been really worried._

_Ah, Georgi really looks happy with his new girlfriend._

_Yurio has been to visit Otabek’s hometown. They sure look happy._

_Does Mila have a new account?_

He opened the message, then froze, staring.

_I hope you are well, Victor. I don’t know why you won’t answer. I have something that belongs to you._

Victor shivered and his heart pounded painfully as he spotted a picture of a torn off button with tattered thread still attached.

_The buttons on the shirt I was wearing were just like this one. I chose the shirt because the buttons had that pattern printed into them._

A sick feeling filled his insides as he read the rest of the message.

_Don’t worry. I’ll give it back to you the next time I see you. Love, you know who._

He took a steadying breath and forwarded a copy of the message to the officer investigating the attack on him.

_He probably did something so they can’t figure out who he is, but…_

He almost jumped out of his skin as Hiroko returned to the dining room and reached down to remove his emptied plate.

“Oh, sorry, Vic-chan, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Yuuri’s mother apologized.

“It’s okay,” Victor managed, his voice shaking a little, “I was just…distracted.”

“It’s good to see you are talking to your friends again,” Hiroko said kindly, “They have all been worried about you.”

“I know. I’m letting them know I’m better.”

“That’s good. Do you want anything else, Vic-chan?”

“No, thank you.”

He left the dining room and headed out the front door of the hot spring inn. Being just before sunrise, it was still a little dark and very quiet outside. Victor stood for a moment in the courtyard, his mind returning to the message and picture.

_It doesn’t have to really be him. Someone else probably had seen me wear that shirt before._

But doubts nagged at his mind.

_But how would someone know I was wearing it that night. I did post some pictures, but..god, I don’t know. I should stop thinking about it._

He started down the quiet street, but stopped after a moment, looking around as he though he heard footsteps behind him.

_I can’t be afraid of every little thing. Part of my recovery is being able to go places alone without feeling anxious over every little sound I hear or…_

He continued down the street, heading towards the beach, where he ran along the edge of the water. He reached a bench that was placed on a little cliff, overlooking the water and sat down to rest for a few minutes.

_I’ve hardly been alone for a moment since that night. Yuuri or someone has pretty much constantly been with me. I haven’t been alone like this._

He got up off the bench and started to turn back, but found himself suddenly frozen as the sound of music playing, as though quite nearby, reached his ears.

_It’s that song._

_It was on the speakers at the hotel in the garden where it happened._

Agonizing shards of ice seemed to stab at his insides and his heart raced madly, making his legs feel weak. His teeth clenched and he shook all over, barely managing to stumble back in the direction of the bench.

“Victor?”

He barely heard his father’s voice and when Mischa’s hand touched his arm, he jerked away, gasping.

“Victor, it’s okay. It’s a panic attack. Don’t…don’t back up anymore. You could fall.”

He realized he had moved in the direction of the cliff.

“Just don’t move anymore, okay?”

Victor swallowed hard, panting in distress and shivering as Mischa stood perfectly still, watching him closely.

“Victor, are you hearing me now?” Mischa asked.

He couldn’t make a sound with his throat feeling so tight, but he nodded.

“Come back away from the edge,” Mischa said calmly.

Victor turned back and practically dove into his father’s offered embrace.

“S-sorry,” he apologized shakily, “I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t going to jump off or anything. I just…”

“It’s a panic attack,” his father said reassuringly, “Your mother had them often, so I know what it looks like. It’s okay. It’s to be expected after what you’ve been through. Are you all right now?”

“I feel sick to my stomach,” Victor managed.

“Let’s sit down.”

Mischa guided him to the bench and the two sat down. Victor leaned forward and put his face in his hands.

“It feels like my heart will jump out of my chest.”

“I know. Try to slow down your breathing. Here, lean against me so we can do this together.”

Victor complied quietly, closing his eyes and burying his face in his father’s warm scarf on his shoulder.

“You hear the surf?” Mischa’s voice rumbled in his ear, “Breathe in with the sound of it, and let it out as the waves crash. In as it builds up…out as it crashes. Just breathe with the sound of it. Let the tension run out of your body. It’s all fine. You’re safe. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I won’t let it.”

Victor voice refused to sound, but he nodded into Mischa’s strong shoulder and rested silently, listening and breathing with the surf and taking in the soothing sound of the seagulls. Gradually, his body calmed, and when he felt steady enough again, he pulled free of his father and sat up straight, looking down at his feet.

“Sorry,” he said again.

“You don’t need to be.”

“I must look pathetic,” Victor sighed, closing his eyes and putting his face in his hands, leaning forward, “I still feel light-headed and sick to my stomach.”

“It will pass. Don’t worry about it. You know it’s all to be expected. Don’t beat yourself up about being perfectly human.”

“I feel awful.”

“Do you want me to get us a ride home or can you walk with me?”

“I don’t think I can walk far like this.”

“Okay.”

Mischa made a quick call on his phone, then smiled encouragingly at his shaken son.

“Mari is coming to get us.”

“Good.”

Mischa smiled sadly.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked.

“Some. I just feel shaky now, and still kind of sick.”

“Do you know what triggered this, Victor?”

Victor sighed and ran his hands over his face.

“I got a disturbing Instagram message,” he admitted, “I forwarded to the investigator and I wasn’t really thinking about it, but it probably was what started everything. I kept feeling like I was being watched, and I heard footsteps behind me, then music from…from when it happened. I don’t even know if the footsteps and music were real, or if I just imagined them.”

“Don’t worry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it?” Victor repeated, tears welling up at the corners of his eyes, “I may be hearing things, seeing things that aren’t there…god knows what else! I’m not right in the head, and the worst part is, I _know_ exactly what is happening and I _can not_ control it! I can’t stop it.”

“Victor, you are doing fine.”

“I don’t _feel_ fine!” Victor shouted, coming to his feet, “I _feel_ like I’ve lost my mind, and I know I’m not making sense sometimes! I feel sick and weak and I shake all over if I just hear or see something that sets me off. How can you fucking _look at me_ and say I’m doing fine? I’m not fine. I’m…”

Victor deflated completely as Mischa’s arms wrapped tightly around him again.

“You are recovering from something horrible…something that most of the rest of us can’t imagine. You are going to feel like this, and when I say that you are doing fine, I do not mean that there is nothing wrong. I mean that you are coping as well as anyone could be expected to under the circumstances. I should have made that more clear to you.”

“L-like anything could be clear to me right now,” Victor sobbed into his father’s shoulder, “I feel like I’m barely functioning.”

“At least you are functioning. Come, Mari is here, see?”

Victor let out a long breath, retreating into silence as let Mischa walk him back to the car and the two got in. To Victor’s surprise, Yuuri was sitting in the back seat, fully dressed and wearing a calm, but serious expression. He said nothing at first, only offering his distressed fiancé a warm shoulder as Mischa climbed into the front of the car with Mari, and they started back to the house.

“You’re not hurt?” Yuuri asked softly.

“No.”

“Okay. I was worried when Mischa called.”

“I’m okay,” Victor assured him, “It was a panic attack. My counselor said they can happen after what happened.”

“Yeah, the nurse back at the crisis center told me that too. How do you feel now?”

“Tired,” Victor admitted wearily, “and still sick to my stomach.”

“It’s okay. The bed’s turned down and Mom will have hot tea waiting for us. You can just rest and not do anything,” Yuuri assured him.

“But we’re supposed to go to the Christmas market later, and I know that there will be friends over for dinner tonight for my birthday.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri insisted, “Everyone knows that you may not feel up to that.”

“Yuuri, I can’t stop living, just because I have flashbacks and panic attacks,” Victor argued.

“You’re right,” Yuuri agreed, “but you also can’t push yourself to the point where you make things worse. We have to find the balance point and work from there, that’s all I’m trying to do.”

“I know,” Victor sighed, running his hands over his face, “but I just want…all I want is to feel normal again and not freak out like a little child if I see or hear the wrong thing. Is that so much to ask?”

“I know it’s frustrating,” Yuuri said, hugging him tightly, “I live with anxiety every day. You, of all people, know that. And you never make me feel bad about it. Victor, give yourself a break. You don’t have to take steps forward all of the time. You get to have bad days. You get to have panic attacks and flashbacks. Something really terrible happened to you!”

They left off talking as the car stopped in front of the inn. They were met at the front door by a worried looking Hiroko and quietly watchful Toshiya. Yuuri accompanied Victor into their bedroom, and the two undressed and put on soft night clothes, then sat in bed as Hiroko fussed over Victor for several minutes, then left the two alone.

Yuuri waited for several minutes, letting him settle before saying anything.

“Do you feel like talking about it?” he asked tentatively, “Like maybe what set things off?”

Victor picked up his phone from the nightstand and opened the message. Yuuri read it and stiffened as he looked at the picture of the button.

“I see why you were upset,” he said worriedly, “Victor, you forwarded this to the police, right?”

“Yes. I don’t know how much it will help, but I suppose any little thing could be important.”

“That’s not such a little thing.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be the person who attacked me. It could be a smartass skating rival who was at the banquet and saw what I was wearing, and I did post pictures that night. I don’t know if it will really be helpful.”

Yuuri smiled sadly.

“Maybe you should get some rest now.”

He pulled Victor to his shoulder and laid back against the pillows.

“You should be training,” Victor chided him, “Nationals are coming up. We should both be training.”

“Shh, it’s your birthday today, so we can take a day off,” Yuuri said, caressing his cheek, “Close your eyes. Just rest, Victor. Can you hear my heartbeat?”

“I always hear that…every night,” Victor sighed, resting on Yuuri’s chest, “It’s the best sound in the world.”

“Just listen to that, then, and feel better, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Victor,” Yuuri whispered, running his fingers through his fiancé’s soft hair.

“Love you too,” Victor said sleepily, “I don’t know why I'm so tired.”

“I always feel wiped out after a panic attack,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “Just have a nap. I’m sure you’ll feel better after. And if you are feeling better, we can still go to the Christmas market. We can have a traditional Japanese Christmas.”

“What do you do for Christmas, Yuuri?” Victor asked.

“Well, it’s a time for being kind to people, and it’s a time for young lovers to go out and have fun together. It’ll sound strange, but we eat fried chicken.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And lovers share what we call love cake. It’s strawberry shortcake, but it’s all sweet and colorful.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Good. If you’re feeling up to it later, then we can go out. They’ll be having a fireworks display over the water, too.”

“Really? That sounds like fun too.”

“We’ll do that later, then,” Yuuri promised, petting Victor’s hair.

The two smiled as Maccachin trotted into the room and jumped up on the bed, where he curled up against Victor other side. Surrounded by warmth, Victor drifted off to sleep.


	13. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor gets two surprises for his birthday. Only one is a good surprise.

“Are you sure you’re feeling well enough now to go out?” Yuuri asked, sitting on the bed and watching as Victor let his yukata slide to the bedroom floor, then began to dress in casual, but handsome black slacks and a red silk shirt, “You were sleeping a lot today.”

“I’m feeling much better now,” Victor assured him, “After all of that cuddling and kissing with you, I feel like a new man.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Yuuri said in a relieved tone, “I was worried about you.”

“Well, you don’t need to be now. I promise, I feel much, much better. Now, before we’ve wasted the whole day, let’s go out and enjoy an evening on the town.”

They left the bedroom and were heading out the front door of Yuutopia Katsuki, when several cars pulled up to the front of the inn, and Victor broke into a wide, surprised smile as Yakov emerged from the first car, then from the other cars came the rest of the contingent of his coach’s roster of students.

“What in the world, Yakov!” Victor exclaimed, “You brought _everybody_?”

Yakov nodded and handed his suitcase to a young man about Victor’s age.

“Take this inside and help everyone get settled,” he instructed the man.

Victor took a closer look at him and his smile widened to a pleased grin.

“Kesha, you came along too? It’s good to see you. Where have you been lately? I haven’t seen you around the rink in a while. Are you training again? Did you get your health clearance?”

“I did,” Kesha answered, nodding, “I’m still in physical therapy, but I started practicing again. I don’t know yet how it will go, but at least I’m giving it my best shot.”

“Yuuri,” Victor said, smiling, “this is Kesha Noskov. You haven’t met, because Kesha was injured in training awhile back. He’s been recuperating.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Yuuri,” Kesha said, turning his emerald colored eyes on the Japanese skater and giving him a warm smile, “I’ve been watching your skating for awhile. You are very talented. It’s good to finally meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Kesha,” Yuuri said, accepting his hand, “Are you one of Victor’s rinkmates?”

“I was until I was injured,” Kesha explained, “then I had to take a break. I will be returning to skating soon, but right now, I can’t do so much. Still, Yakov was kind enough to let me come with everyone else.”

“Well, we’re glad you’re here,” Victor said happily, hugging his friend.

“Hi Vitya,” Mila greeted her teammate.

“Mila, hi,” Victor replied, hugging her too.

“You don’t have to hug me,” Georgi said, smirking, “I get that you’re happy to see me. Besides, you’ll make my new girlfriend jealous. She thinks you’re cute.”

“Georgi!” the lovely blonde woman next to him objected.

“It’s good to meet you,” Victor said amiably, chuckling as the young woman blushed and swatted Georgi on the arm.

“Hi,” Yuuri said, waving briefly to several of the other skaters, “Hey, Yurio, good to see you!”

“Hey, pork cutlet bowl,” Yurio answered, moving closer to the Japanese skater, “Victor looks like hell. Are you sure he shouldn’t be in bed or something?”

Yuuri waited for the usually sarcastic younger Russian skater to say something even more insulting, but Yurio sighed in a way that made it clear he was worried, rather than just angry as always.

“Victor’s doing much better since he’s gotten settled in here and his father arrived.”

“Victor’s father is here?” Yurio asked, tensing, “Are you sure that’s a good thing? I thought that they weren’t really talking.”

“Well, they weren’t. But when Mischa heard what happened to him, he came here and the two of them worked things out.”

“Just like that?” Yurio mused agnostically.

“What? You don’t think so?” Yuuri asked.

Yurio shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s just sort of weird, if you ask me,” he said off-handedly.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, slipping an arm around his partner and turning him slightly, “This is Garsha, and that’s Vanya and Kotik over there. Garsha ice dances with Sinya, who is next to him, Vanya and Kotik are new to the men’s singles team, and Nina and Melita are ladies singles skaters.

“Nice to meet all of you,” Yuuri said, flushing slightly, “Welcome.”

Victor turned to the others, smiling widely.

“We’ll have to go out tonight for my birthday. I know the perfect place for food, drinks and dancing!” he suggested.

“Just as long as none of you get distracted from your training!” Yakov said gruffly, “Don’t forget, even though we’re away from home, there are still competitions to prepare for!”

“This is great!” Victor laughed, making Yuuri smile at finally seeing him act more like himself than he had in awhile, “Yakov…I can’t thank you enough. It was…”

“It was nothing,” Yakov said, brushing him off and hiding his eyes so that Victor couldn’t see the worry still in them, “It’s good to change scenery and there was some work they wanted to do on the home rink anyway.”

“Whatever, you’re here. That means a lot to me,” Victor said, sincerely.

Yakov nodded.

“Then, you will show me your appreciation when you start training tomorrow.”

Yuuri made a sound of discomfort, making the two pause and look at him questioningly.

“Well,” Yuuri said anxiously, “I mean, I know you’re well enough, but…serious training? Are you sure that you’re ready?”

“I feel all right,” Victor assured him, “And I’ll feel even better after all of you join me to celebrate my birthday tonight!”

“Come in and my folks will help you get settled,” Yuuri invited the group, “Do you have a reservation?”

“We do,” Yakov confirmed, “Your parents said that there was space if we had some of the skaters share rooms.

The group made their way inside, where Yuuri’s smiling parents and Mari were waiting to meet them and sort them into rooms. Soon, all of the visiting skaters were busily putting their things away and cleaning up for the evening’s celebration.

“Yurio,” Victor said, smirking, “are you going to sleep in the closet in my bedroom, like you did when you came here before? You know, Yuuri and I share the room now, right?”

“Shut up!” Yurio snapped, “I’m sharing with Otabek. He came with me to train here with everyone too.”

“I could use the closet space, if that helps,” Kesha offered.

“I don’t think anyone has to sleep in the closet,” Mari said, rolling her eyes at Victor’s teasing, then giving Kesha a little, friendly wink, “We have everyone assigned to rooms.”

The skaters and Yakov finished unpacking, then they met Yuuri and Victor at the hot spring’s entrance. The group walked into town, where Victor led them to his favorite Hasetsu restaurant and dance club.

“Here, sit with Yuuri and me,” Victor invited his old friend, Kesha, who readily accepted the invitation.

Victor’s smile faded slightly as he noticed Kesha still limped a little.

“Is that hurting you?” he asked.

“Oh, a little,” the other Russian skater confessed, “but it’s gotten a lot better, “I only really do it when I’m tired or something. It’s probably because we were unpacking before we came to dinner. It’s fine, really.”

“Oh, okay. Are you and Mitka still dating?” Victor asked curiously, “He stopped hanging around the rink when you left to recover.”

“No,” Kesha sighed, “he got tired of me as soon as you weren’t around to make him feel like we were having a tug-of-war over him anymore. I’m flying solo right now. That works a little better while I’m trying to get my career restarted.”

“Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me, eh?” Victor said good naturedly.

“Always,” Kesha answered, smiling back at his old rinkmate.

“Can I get some drinks started for you?” asked a waitress.

The young men ordered their drinks, then perused the dinner menu.

“What’s good here?” Kesha asked.

“Oh, pretty much everything,” Victor assured him, “My favorite is the ramen.”

“That does look good. I’m going to try it.”

“Look,” said Yuuri, pointing towards the dance floor, “Yurio and Otabek are already dancing.”

Victor grinned and batted his eyes playfully at Yuuri.

“Hmm, the birthday boy wants to dance too.”

“How about after we order our food?” Yuuri chuckled.

“All right,” Victor conceded, “I’ll try to wait that long.”

“Vitya, that’s your father over there, right?” Kesha asked curiously, “I didn’t know you were on speaking terms.”

“I wondered the same thing,” Yakov interjected.

“He came to Hasetsu to support me when he heard about…what happened,” Victor explained, “Things have gotten better.”

“I’m glad,” the old coach said gruffly, “I was telling you for years you should reconnect with him. He is your family after all.”

Victor gave a soft little laugh.

“Looks like you were right about something for a change, eh?”

“What?” Yakov objected, “What are you talking about? I’m right about most things if you’d ever pay attention.”

“Huh, sorry, what was that?” Victor joked, “I didn’t hear you. The good music must have distracted me.”

“Grr,” the old coach growled.

“Yuuri!” Victor called, “Forget the food. Come and dance with me.”

“In a minute,” Yuuri laughed, “I’m actually hungry. I’ll order the food for both of us and come to join you.”

“Okay!” Victor laughed, moving out to join the throng of people dancing.

A group of his Russian friends followed, and they mixed in with everyone else. Yuuri watched Victor’s slender body moving among the others. Victor danced with each of his Russian friends, then began to change partners with the others, who had noticed him and shouted greetings to him.

Mila moved closer to Yuuri as he gave the waitress his and Victor’s order. She had to speak into his ear to be heard over the crowd.

“Vitya looks good, considering,” she commented, “or do you think he’s just acting this way because he doesn’t want to worry everyone?”

“Hmm,” it is sometimes hard to tell with him,” Yuuri admitted, keeping his eye on Victor, “but he really did seem to perk up when you all arrived by surprise like that. I was surprised too. Yakov doesn’t usually do things like that.”

“No,” Mila agreed, “he doesn’t. But he’s been beside himself over Vitya’s assault. When he got home after it happened, he had all of us take lessons in self defense and he encouraged us to always be safe when drinking at parties and celebrations. He disappeared for a couple of days. I think he went to stay with Lilia. They were both very upset. They’re quite close to Vitya.”

“Yeah, I know,” Yuuri agreed, “I felt bad about taking Victor away from some of the people who support him, but he really wanted to come to Hasetsu.”

“Probably because a lot of his best memories are here.”

“You think so?” Yuuri asked, coloring.

“Well, of course!” Mila said, giggling at his uncertainty, “You know Vitya’s never been happier than once he was with you, Yuuri. Before that, I think he only pretended to be happy for everyone else.”

“I’m kind of worried that’s what he might be doing now,” Yuuri confessed softly, “He’s recovering as well as can be expected, but he has a lot he has to work through.”

Yuuri’s brow furrowed and he studied the crowd around Victor as the Russian skater continued to smile and dance.

“He’s making good progress, but there have been some setbacks. We…”

Yuuri paused, frowning and looking more intently at the people on the dance floor. Mila followed the path of his eyes curiously.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

“Eh, no, I just…thought I saw someone who looked like someone I know.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like it’s a person you want to see,” the Russian woman mused.

“Naw, not really,” Yuuri admitted, “There was a guy who was a fan of mine. He came to a lot of events and he was really supportive. But…he started to get a little weird, and later, I found out he was sort of stalking me.”

“Yuuri, that’s so scary! Did you tell anyone?”

“Yeah, I sure did,” Yuuri said emphatically, “There’s an order that he’s not supposed to be where I am. I heard he had moved away from Hasetsu, though, so I’m sure it wasn’t him.”

“Does Vitya know about him?” Mila asked.

“Yeah, and I told the police when they questioned us after Victor was attacked. I never heard that anything came of it.”

“Oh, well that’s good, I guess. But, you should be careful, just the same.”

Mila started to turn her head to look at the dancers, but Yuuri moved closer and brought her attention back to him.

“Hey, Mila, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Mila answered, “What is it?”

Yuuri opened his mouth to tell her, then he closed it again and launched to his feet as he saw Victor stopped in the midst of the dancers, looking down at something in his hand and wearing an absolutely terrified expression.

“Victor!” Yuuri cried, running towards his shocked lover as he paled and shook ominously, then started to collapse.

Yuuri caught him as he fell.

“Victor, are you hurt?” he shouted over the still pounding beat of the music, “Victor!”

Victor gave no sign he had heard, but remained on his knees, staring at his closed hand.

“What is it?” Yuuri, “What’s in your hand?”

He took hold of Victor’s sweating hand and turned it over, then slowly coaxed it open. Victor shuddered and a small button dropped from his hand into Yuuri’s.

“Oh my god…” Yuuri panted anxiously.

“What is it?” Yurio asked from over his shoulder.

“It’s a button from Victor’s shirt,” Yuuri answered in a shaking voice, “The one he was wearing when he was attacked!”


	14. Never Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor reflects on how his assault has changed his life.

Yurio glared down at the button in Yuuri’s palm, his teeth clenching and his expression going from anger to rage. He let out a hissing breath and his body tensed sharply.

“That’s from what he was wearing _that night_?” he snarled.

“Yes,” Yuuri answered breathlessly, unable to tear his eyes away from Victor’s agonized face.

“Then, that means the bastard is _here_!”

“Or _was_ here,” Otabek interjected.

“Well, we aren’t going to find the son of a bitch by standing here, so let’s go!”

“We don’t know who we are looking for!” Yakov growled, “Vitya, can you tell us who you were dancing with tonight?”

Victor swallowed hard and continued to stare blankly at a point on the floor in front of him.

“Vitya? Son?” Victor’s father called, laying a hand on his arm, but he also got no reaction.

Around them, the music stopped and the club’s manager, a middle-aged woman, came to join them.

“Yuuri-san,” the manager said, looking worriedly at Victor, “what happened? Is Vic-chan all right?”

“No,” Yuuri answered, “I think he’s in shock.”

“But, what happened?” the manager asked again, urgently, “Did someone hurt Vic-chan?”

“What happened is _this_!” Yuuri said emphatically, showing her the button, “It’s from the night that Victor was attacked. Someone on this dance floor slipped it into Victor’s pocket. I mean, I guess it had to be put in his pocket, because if they’d just put it in his hand, he would know who it was.”

“Vitya,” Yakov said, dropping onto his knees in front of his still frozen student and taking Victor’s face in his hands, “Vitya, snap out of this! Say something!”

Victor remained ominously silent as Yakov helped him to his feet and Victor leaned against him, burying his face in Yakov’s shoulder.

“We should take him home,” the old coach suggested, “Yuuri, call the police and stay here to help with the investigation.”

“I can’t stay here! I need to be there for Victor!” Yuuri argued, “I can’t just…”

“You and the others need to find out everything you can about what happened on that dance floor!” Yakov snapped furiously, “I have been taking care of Vitya since he was a small boy. I know what to do for him, and his father is also here. _You_ make sure that the person who did all of this to him is caught. Stay here and help with the investigation. I will make Vitya comfortable until you get home.”

Yuuri touched Victor’s arm tentatively and his lover’s head turned to show him a devastatingly shattered expression. Yuuri drew a shaky breath and let it out slowly to steady himself.

“Victor,” he said softly, “go home with Yakov. I’m going to stay here and do everything I can to find out who did this, okay?”

Victor shivered and gave him a barely perceptible nod.

“I would suggest starting with any recording devices that were used, either by the club or anyone you can find here,” Yakov suggested, “Someone may have caught an image or clip that will be useful in identifying who put that button in Vitya’s pocket.”

“Okay,” Yuuri answered, his voice calming, “that sounds like a good place to start.”

“Otabek and I will start talking to the people here,” Yurio decided, “Maybe one of them saw something.”

“And I will try to find out as much as possible who was dancing with Victor tonight,” Kesha offered.

“That sounds like a good start,” Yakov said approvingly, turning Victor towards the door.

Yuuri walked with them for a few steps, placing a hand on Victor’s shoulder and speaking briefly into his ear.

“I’ll be home soon. Stay with Yakov, all right? Everything will be okay. I promise it will.”

Victor gave him the barest nod, then allowed Yakov and his father to help him outside, where a steady rain had started to fall, and to a waiting car. Once inside, Mischa pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to him. Victor looked down at the handkerchief wordlessly, not moving to use it. After several long moments, Mischa took it back and brushed it over his son’s sweat and rain misted forehead and throat.

“I know you were shocked,” Mischa said in a low, worried voice, “but you need to gather yourself. This man who hurt you is trying to continue hurting you by convincing you that he can get to you anywhere, and hurt you again. You need to understand that’s not true, Vitya.”

“Isn’t it?” Victor managed softly, swallowing hard and giving his father a wounded look, “He was able to…”

“It was just sleight of hand,” Yakov said firmly, “It was a parlor trick that anyone could learn to do.”

Victor looked out the window to where rain splashed in puddles on the darkened street.

“He could have had a knife and stabbed me.”

“And he would have instantly been identified and apprehended,” Yakov said sternly.

“He’s crazy,” Victor answered his voice shaking, “What would he care if he was caught or if he was killed, as long as he did what he wanted to me?”

“Vitya…”

“ _Yakov_!” Victor snapped, making the older man go silent and stare, “This man has already raped me. If that was all he wanted, then he would never have continued to contact me after.”

“He is just trying to terrify you,” Mischa assured him.

“And is it wrong for me to be afraid?” Victor demanded angrily, “I don’t know the man who did this! Or worse, I _may_ know him, and if I did, I never knew that he was capable of doing something so horrible! I can’t assume that I know he’ll leave this at terrifying me and not lead up to just outright _killing_ me, at some point!”

“I understand,” Mischa said softly.

“Do you?” Victor argued, “How can you even know what it’s like? This didn’t happen to you. It happened to me!”

“We know it did,” Yakov assured him, laying a hand on his arm, “and we know that you are going to have to work for a long time at leaving this behind you.”

“Some things refuse to be left behind,” Victor said, meeting Mischa’s eyes sadly, “don’t they?”

“Yes,” Mischa agreed, “When your mother checked into the mental facility and wouldn’t let me see her, it felt like the hurt and despair would never end. It still hurts to think about her, and I don’t know that the hurt will ever completely go away, but it would’ve seemed like an insult to her if I didn’t try…and it would be an insult to the person I know you are if you let your fears consume you.”

“Well, they haven’t done that yet,” Victor said, swallowing hard, “I haven’t given up. I just…have fears about this.”

“We will deal with those fears together,” Yakov insisted, “That is why all of us are here.”

Mischa considered the words as the car sped back towards Yuutopia Katsuki.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about something since we left the bar,” he said finally, “I don’t mean to offend you, it seems odd to me that this threat to Victor happened just after you arrived in Hasetsu with your students. Far be it from me to accuse anyone. I just thought that…”

“Vitya was receiving threats over his phone before that,” Yakov countered.

“But this was in person. It could be someone from your group, couldn’t it?” Mischa suggested.

“Or,” Yakov said, crossing his arms and scowling, “it could be someone who was here already and just decided to use our arrival to his advantage.”

“Sorry,” Mischa said, backpedaling quickly, “I said I didn’t mean to…”

“Well, you accused my students of being violent criminals.”

“No, I…!”

“And what about you?” Yakov pointed out, “Can you be eliminated as a suspect?”

“M-me?” Mischa repeated, looking horrified, “Vitya is my _son!_ ”

“Vitya is like _my own son_ ,” Yakov said sternly, “and my students are all like my family. For any one of them to hurt another would be unconscionable.”

“But you think it’s more reasonable to accuse me of hurting my own son that way?” Mischa objected.

“Please, will you both stop!” Victor shouted.

The car came to a stop at a red light, and Victor bolted out the door.

“Vitya, where are you going?” Yakov shouted, moving to follow him.

“Son, come back!” Mischa called out.

Victor ignored them and ran heedlessly through the more heavily falling rain, quickly leaving the two older men behind as he fled with no destination in mind, and no thoughts of finding safety.

_Because there is no safety from a phantom who can reach me anywhere. I was right there with my father, my coach, Yuuri and my teammates and friends. This animal walked right through them and reached me, even though they were all there. I let my guard down for one moment and he let me know that there is no such thing as safety._

_He could be anywhere._

Victor’s feet slowed and he suddenly found himself alone, soaked to the skin and dripping with fallen rain, standing on the sodden sand of the familiar beach where he had first asked Yuuri Katsuki what he had wanted Victor to be to him.

_Even here it’s not safe._

_But…_

He shivered, looking out at the barely visible crashing waves in the darkness in front of him.

_If I give up the illusion that there is anywhere that is safe, then…I will not be afraid?_

He felt as though some kind of answer was close, but as the large raindrops continued to splash onto his already soaked body and run down his face and arms and legs, he couldn’t seem to take the last step to finding it.

_What can I do?_

He drifted into his thoughts, forgetting the fact that he was alone in the dark on the cold, rainy beach.

_I don’t want to think about it anymore._

_I don’t want to think anymore._

He recalled then, how quiet it was under the water.

_Even in a storm, while the water thrashes around, beneath the surface, you don’t hear the sounds so loudly. And you don’t feel the violence, just a feeling of being sort of tossed about._

He took a step towards the splashing waves that rolled in from the stormy ocean. Something in his mind whispered a warning, but he ignored it and moved closer to where the water met the shore. A wave rolled in, running over his feet and ankles, sinking them down further into the sand. He freed his feet and moved forward slightly while the water rolled out again. A few steps more, and he was into the water up to his thighs, his heart pounding and aching for the quiet he was sure he would find once he was submerged. He started to move forward again, but to his surprise, a strong arm wrapped around his waist, stopping him.

He was sure he had never in his life made a sound like the one that came out of him as he started to fight the hands that held him.

“Stop it, Vitya!” the other man shouted, dragging him back from the water, “You’ll drown us both.”

Victor blinked in confusion as he found himself looking at, not Yuuri or Yakov or Mischa, but his teammate, Kesha. Kesha pulled him away from the water and sat him down on a bench, then he sat down beside him, taking Victor’s icy hands in his and trying frantically to warm them.

“What were you thinking?” he panted, rubbing Victor’s slick hands, then taking off his teammate’s sodden coat and replacing it with his warmer, drier one, “Yakov and your father came back to the club and told us you ran off. Everyone is looking for you.”

Victor breathed in the scent of the coat that wasn’t his or Yuuri’s his eyes blinking out the rain and a few hot tears.

“Are you all right?” Kesha asked, pressing close to Victor’s side and shivering in the absence of the coat he had shared, “What were you doing, going into the water like that? A few more steps and you could’ve drowned.”

“Are you going to tell them?” Victor asked suddenly, making his old friend stare at him curiously.

A long moment passed with the rain falling on the two and their breaths misting the air.

“What do you want me to do, Vitya?” Kesha asked, looking into his teammate’s widened eyes.

Victor gave no answer, but slowly lowered his head onto his friend’s shoulder, accepting his warmth and reassurances.

“It’s okay,” Kesha said softly into his ear, “It was just a weak moment, right? You didn’t mean anything by it, did you? Don’t worry, Vitya. I won’t tell anyone about it. Your secret is safe with me.”

_Nothing is safe._

_No one is safe._

_But Kesha is kind to offer me comfort and protection. I won’t push him away, then. I’ll take what comfort I can in this world without safety. There is comfort in being able to trust him._

“Victor! Kesha! Is that you?” Yuuri’s voice called out to them.

“Over here!” Kesha called, loosening his hold on Victor and waving one arm, “He’s okay, just a little cold and wet. I gave him my coat.”

“Victor!” Yuuri panted as he ran to join them, “Why did you run off like that?”

Victor abandoned Kesha’s hold on him and sought Yuuri’s arms frantically. Yuuri looked back at Kesha gratefully.

“Thanks for finding him and taking care of him, but here, take your coat back. You must be freezing. I’ll take care of Victor now.”

Yuuri removed Kesha’s coat from around Victor and handed it back, then placed Victor’s own heavier coat that he had left back at the club, around him.

“Do you feel like you can walk home with me from here?”

Victor answered with a short nod.

“Thanks again, Kesha,” Yuuri said, wrapping an arm around Victor, “C’mon, we should all get out of the rain.”

The three headed out to the street with Yuuri on one side of Victor, gently supporting him and Kesha walking on the other side. Yuuri stole a glance at Kesha.

“So, how did you know to look here for him?” he asked curiously.

Kesha shrugged.

“I don’t know, actually. Vitya likes the ocean and I heard the sounds of the water and figured there was a beach nearby.”

“Oh right. Well, it’s a good thing you found him so quickly. He’s already soaked.”

He gave his boyfriend a gentle smile.

“We’ll take you back home and warm you up. We could soak in the hot spring together, if you like. You’re welcome to join us, Kesha,” Yuuri invited him.

“Oh…thank you, but I will have to decline. I will just shower if you don’t mind.”

“Sure,” Yuuri said easily.

They reached the hot spring inn and found Yakov and Mischa waiting for them, alongside Yuuri’s worried parents and sister, as well as Yurio, and Otabek.

“Is Vic-chan all right?” Hiroko asked anxiously, taking in his rumpled and wet condition, “You should take him right in and warm him up in the hot spring.”

“No,” Victor said softly, “I just want to shower and go to sleep.”

“S-sure,” Yuuri answered, “I’ll take care of Victor. Ah, goodnight everyone.”

He led Victor to their bedroom and closed the door behind them. Victor walked into the bathroom and started to undress. He paused as Yuuri joined him and looked at his nervous fiancé with an odd expression.

“Do you mind very much if I shower alone?” Victor asked.

Yuuri gave him a shocked look, then switched quickly to a look of calmer acceptance.

“Ah, of course. Sorry.”

He backed towards the door with his eyes lowered.

“Yuuri.”

“I’m sorry, really. I should have…”

“It’s all right,” Victor said in a tired voice, “I’m sorry. You can come in if you want.”

“N-not if you don’t…”

“It’s okay. Please.”

Yuuri quickly undressed and joined Victor under the warm, falling water. Yuuri stood back, keeping his eyes lowered and not touching Victor as he silently bathed.

“You don’t have to be so careful with me,” Victor sighed, “I had a bad shock, but I will be all right. I’m just…tired now.”

“Okay,” Yuuri answered, curling his arms around Victor and helping him as he continued to bathe himself.

“I’m sorry for worrying everyone,” Victor said quietly, “I just needed to get my bearings."

I know…and it’s okay. Everything’s okay now. The important thing is that you’re here and you’re safe now.”

_No._

_The truth is, I am never safe._

_None of us are…ever._


	15. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A distressing situation takes its toll on Yuuri's frayed nerves.

Yuuri left Victor sleeping with Maccachin curled into his arms, and he walked out of the room, into the quiet hallway. His heart pounding with anxiety and his limbs shaking softly, he first contemplated spending some time in the hot spring, but then reconsidered and headed for the kitchen. Hiroko looked up at him and smiled as he entered.

“You’re up pretty late,” she commented, “and you’ve hardly left Vic-chan for a moment since the two of you arrived.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, “Victor’s really needed me. I’m glad to be there for him. I just…”

He broke off, his eyes filling with tears. Hiroko made a sound of sympathy and left her work to wrap her arms around her son as silent sobs built up in his chest and made his shoulders quiver.

“There now,” she said quietly, guiding him to a chair, “What’s the matter? Or…I guess it isn’t one thing, is it? It’s just everything, right? Poor Vic-chan being attacked and having to suffer through being at the hospital, people’s rude talk. I know. You’ve been so strong for Vic-chan, but it’s a burden for my boy, isn’t it?”

“Th-that’s part of it, I guess,” Yuuri managed, his voice breaking, “but Mom, th-there’s something…”

He tried to continue, but found himself unable. Instead, he buried his face in her shoulder, crying hard as his pent up emotions finally overflowed. Hiroko held him firmly, rubbing his back and letting him cry for several long minutes before trying to calm him.

“It’s okay,” she said calmly into his ear, “I’m here. We’re all here for you. Your father, your sister, and all of your friends. And Vic-chan’s friends from Russia and his coach are here too. You don’t have to carry all of this on your own.”

“Oh, I know that,” Yuuri assured her, pausing to wipe his eyes again.

His mother handed him several tissues and he blew his nose to clear it.

“I know everyone here supports Victor and me. I know. I wish that was enough, but…”

“But what, honey?” Hiroko coaxed him, “What are you trying to tell me? What’s got you so afraid?”

Yuuri’s breath caught in surprise.

“Why do you look like that?” his mother chided him gently, “I know when my boy is afraid. And there’s reason, what with someone continuing to harass and threaten Vic-chan. But, this looks like it’s even more than that. You can tell me, Yuuri. You can tell me anything.”

“I know!” Yuuri sobbed, bursting into tears and seeking the comfort of her warm shoulder again, “But Mom, this is…this is something I don’t want to think about. I don’t want it to be true. But, if it is, then I don’t wanna have to be the one to…to tell him!”

“To tell what to who?” Hiroko asked, petting his hair and rubbing his back more, “What’s going on, my boy? Why are you like this?”

“I-it’s Victor!” Yuuri forced out, “Mom, I’m really scared!”

“Scared of what?” Hiroko inquired, “Are you worried about the person threatening him? We all are. It’s all right to be…”

“No Mom, it’s not just that,” Yuuri sobbed, his chest heaving as he lost control completely.

He cried into her shoulder for several minutes before he could calm himself enough to go on.

“I saw it when I f-found him with Kesha at the beach,” he managed in a choked whisper, “It was dark and rainy and…Victor had been in the water!”

“In the w-water?” Hiroko repeated, her eyes registering confusion.

“I…”

Yuuri broke off as the door to the kitchen opened and a sleepy-eyed Victor stepped into the room.

“Hiroko-san, I…”

He paused, taking in the sight of Yuuri with his face red and tearstained and his hands clinging to his mother tightly as she hugged him back comfortingly.

“…I was looking for Yuuri,” he finished, “Yuuri, are you…all right? I mean, it looks like you’re anything but all right. What happened, _solnyshko_?”

Yuuri sniffed and used several more of the tissues to clean his face as Hiroko rose, bowed and left the room. Victor took the place she had left and wrapped his arms around Yuuri, hugging him tightly and kissing him on the top of his head.

“I know it’s been really hard,” he whispered, his blue-green eyes sad, “and I haven’t been there for you. You’ve been so strong through everything. But you don’t have to be that way all of the time, you know. I’m sorry.”

Yuuri’s teary eyes widened.

“Why are _you_ sorry?” Yuuri asked, fresh tears sliding down his face, “You’re the one who got attacked, not me.”

“I did get attacked,” Victor acknowledged, “and it is very difficult for me to deal with, but I have plenty of support to do that, Yuuri. You don’t have to take all of that on, yourself.”

“I know that. I’ve just been…too busy trying to do something, to help protect you, to comfort you, to find the monster who hurt you… and wh-when I saw you…”

He paused, biting back the words he had been about to say. Victor’s eyes narrowed.

“Yuuri, something is really wrong, isn’t it?” he asked worriedly, “Please, tell me what it is. Why were you crying like that?”

Yuuri sniffed and dabbed at his eyes.

“We should go somewhere private,” he suggested.

“Okay,” Victor answered, “we’ll go back to our room.”

Yuuri nodded, accepting Victor’s help as he climbed onto shaky legs. He leaned against his worried fiancé as the two left the kitchen and headed back down the hallway. They entered the room and Victor slid the doors shut behind them. He sat down on the bed with Yuuri beside him and took his lover’s hands in his.

“Now, will you talk to me?” Victor asked.

“You should still be sleeping,” Yuuri said, then he blinked, looking surprised at his own words.

“I will sleep when I know that you’re all right,” Victor insisted, “I want you to tell me what’s bothering you so much that you were crying hysterically. It’s not nothing, Yuuri. I know it’s something that is really troubling you. Please tell me what it is.”

“I want to,” Yuuri sighed, his expression conflicted, “but…I’m afraid, Victor.”

“Afraid of what?” Victor asked, smiling and nuzzling his cheek, “I’m right here. I know I haven’t been able to be there for you, but I’m trying.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that…Victor, did you ever have a time when you knew you really had to say something to someone…and you knew they wouldn’t like hearing it…and th-that they might get really angry with you for saying it, even though it had to be said? Does that make any sense?”

“Of course it does,” Victor chided him, running calming fingers through his hair, “Do you think after being with you as long a I have I don’t know what you mean when you jumble up your words and speak awkwardly because you’re nervous? There’s something you’re afraid to tell me, isn’t there?”

Yuuri’s throat constricted so he couldn’t speak for a moment, but he nodded and sat back slightly so that Victor let go of him. Victor’s expression changed to one of uncertainty as he waited for his fiancé to continue. Yuuri swallowed hard, shivering as the moment he had been dreading came to pass.

“Victor,” he said in a soft, scared voice, “when we got back and we undressed, I…noticed something.”

Victor’s expression darkened warningly, but he remained silent and perfectly still, waiting.

“Your pants weren’t just wet from the rain,” he went on, “There was sand up to your hips.”

“Yuuri…”

“You were in the water. It’s the only thing that would have caused that.”

Victor stared back at him in silence, anger beginning to glimmer in the corners of his eyes.

“Why?”

“Do you think I was trying to kill myself?” Victor asked in a sharp, angry tone.

“I don’t think _anything_!” Yuuri said firmly, clenching and unclenching his hands, “I _asked_ you why you were in the water.”

“Do you think I lost my mind and was trying to drown myself? Is that what you think? Then, why are we even here? Why haven’t you called someone to come and…”

“I know that’s not what you want!” Yuuri sobbed, “Do you think that _I_ want that either?”

“But you _think that’s what I need_? Yuuri, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just…”

“Does it really matter whether you were trying to kill yourself or whether you were just out of control?” Yuuri asked, his voice shaking hard, “Either way, you were a danger to…”

“STOP IT!” Victor shouted back, “I told you I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Then, _why_?” Yuuri cried frantically., “Why were you in the water, Victor?”

Fast footsteps sounded in the hallway, and a moment later, Toshiya’s voice sounded outside the door.

“Victor? Yuuri? Are you boys…all right?”

Victor glared at Yuuri meaningfully and walked to the door, then slammed it open. He bit his lip and he felt a shiver of worry as he spotted Yakov and Mischa alongside Yuuri’s father, with Hiroko and Mari waiting a short distance behind.

“We’re fine,” Victor assured them in a strange, unnervingly calm voice, “Yuuri was just telling me that I am insane, a danger to myself and that I should be locked up.”

“That’s _not_ what I said!” Yuuri sobbed, “Victor, I was just…!”

“Is that what you all think?” Victor asked, “You think that I’ve gone crazy?”

“No, Vitya,” Yakov said firmly, “that’s not what any of us think.”

“What about you?” Victor asked, looking into his father’s saddened eyes, “Do you think that I should be locked up like my mother was?”

“You are not your mother, Vitya,” Mischa said reassuringly.

“But, I’m crazy like she was,” Victor said, stepping closer, so that the two were facing each other, “I’m dangerous like she was. Tell me something. Do you still think that locking her up was the right thing to do?”

“Vitya…”

“Because…I’m not suicidal, but even thinking of being in a horrible place like that makes me think I would pre—”

“Vitya, stop it!” Mischa snapped, “This is not helping.”

“I know that,” Victor said angrily, shifting to Russian as he spat out his next words, “I am _done with this_! I am going back to Saint Petersburg!”

He turned his attention to Yuuri, who was staring at him with a white face and a terrified expression.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, softening his tone and shifting back to English, “it’s become a burden for you to be with me. I can see that now.”

“No!” Yuuri gasped, his eyes filling with tears again, “Victor, don’t…!”

“I will make you a promise, and I want it to comfort you. I do not want to die. I will not try to continue alone. I will meet with councilors at home, and I will get the help I need. I want you to get what you need too. Stay here, with your parents and family, with all of your friends. Do whatever it is you need to do to be all right. I will be in Saint Petersburg and I will be fine. Come home to me when you feel ready to do that.”

“Victor!” Yuuri sobbed, wrapping his arms around his midsection.

“I’m sorry, Yuuri,” Victor said, lowering his eyes, “I know I’ll hurt you by leaving, but I honestly think I’ve been hurting you more by leaning on you too much.”

“No! It’s not like that!”

“But it is,” Victor insisted.

“You’re not pushing me away because you think you’re a burden to me,” Yuuri accused him, his eyes filled with hurt, “You’re afraid of being committed to a mental facility. I get it. And I wasn’t trying to say that you belong in one!”

“How can you say that, when you were just interrogating me about why I was in the water?”

The others’ eyes widened at Victor’s words.

“I was scared!” Yuuri shouted, “You are in trouble, Victor, and you really need help, but…”

“But what? I need to be locked up?”

“NO!” Yuuri screamed, “I WASN’T SAYING YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED UP! I just think that you need to tell someone.”

“I think you already did that for me, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor sighed.

He looked quietly back at the others, who looked back at him through sad, worried eyes.

“And what about the rest of you?” he asked, “I’ll just tell you that Yuuri is right about me being in the water when Kesha found me. And I will be honest that I wasn’t thinking about the danger to myself. I was distracted by one thing.”

He continued to look steadily at the others’ ghostly faces.

“I was only thinking that everything around me seemed too loud,” he confessed, “I was recalling that when you go under the water…it is…”

“It’s quiet,” Yuuri finished, his eyes blinking and clearing as understanding set in.

“I didn’t want to kill myself. I just…wanted to be someplace quiet. It was stupid to do what I did, and I know it was kind of crazy…but…I’m not suicidal. I just want it to be quiet.”

The others gazed back at him, waiting for him to continue, but the next voice that sounded was Yuuri’s.

“Then, if you want to be in the water, because it’s quiet, come with me into the hot spring,” he offered, “You can put your ears underneath the water, so it will be quiet…and I will watch over you.”

Yuuri drew a shaky breath and continued.

“And when we’re done, we’re going to call your counselor and talk to her.”

“Yuuri…”

“I promise you, Victor, I won’t let anyone put you in a facility if you don’t agree to go there, but…I insist on you getting the help that you need so that you don’t end up getting hurt. You’ve asked me to trust you, now I need you to trust me. I won’t let anyone take you away from here without your consent.”

“That is a pretty serious promise,” Yakov warned him.

“Victor is not crazy,” Yuuri said firmly, “He just needs some help to work through things. His counselor will be able to do that, or Victor will decide, himself, if he needs to go to a facility at some point. Will you trust me, Victor?”

Yuuri held his breath, waiting as Victor considered silently, then extended a hand to take his.

“Always, Yuuri,” he said softly, kissing Yuuri’s fingertips, “I will always trust you.”

Yuuri grabbed Victor tightly and buried his face in his fiancé’s shoulder, crying hard.

“You idiot!” he sobbed, “Don’t you _ever_ try to leave me like that again!”

“I’m sorry, Yuuri. I really am.”

The others stood, wearing perplexed looks as the two young men headed off to the hot spring with Yuuri still leaning against Victor’s side and crying, and Victor apologizing while his crying partner continued to scold him.

“Geez, do you think maybe we’d better keep an eye on both of them?” Mari said in a flustered tone, “I don’t think either one of them’s okay, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh, I know Vic-chan seems unsettled, but he said that he trusts Yuuri,” Hiroko reminded her, “And Yuuri just needed to let out some of his worries. You know he hasn’t let down for a moment since Vic-chan was attacked.”

“He must have been wound up pretty tightly,” Yakov reasoned, “I suppose you’re right.”

“Well,” Toshiya said, giving the others an encouraging smile, “now that things have calmed down, why don’t we all have some tea and then get some sleep?”

“Tea? I think I need something stronger after that,” Yakov grumbled.

“I’m with you,” Mischa agreed.

“Sake for you, then,” Toshiya said, nodding.

The others started to move in the direction of the dining room, but Yakov hung back, looking down the hallway where the skaters were housed.

“Are you coming?” Mischa asked.

“In a moment,” the old coach answered.

He walked to one of the doors and knocked. After a moment, the door opened and a drowsy Kesha looked out at him.

“Coach Yakov, do you need something?” he asked.

“I want you to tell me something,” Yakov said sternly, making the younger man stiffen in reaction, “I want you to tell me why you didn’t inform us that Vitya went recklessly into the water at the beach. Tell me that.”

Kesha paled and he swallowed hard and shifted uncomfortably.

“I uh…w-well…”

“Out with it,” Yakov scolded him, “You must have had a reason for not speaking up.”

“I…I don’t know exactly,” Kesha stammered, paling further at the scathing look the old coach gave him, “R-really! He was fighting me and I was trying to calm him down.”

“But, why not tell anyone?”

“I…he…he made me promise not to say anything! C-coach Yakov, he promised me he wasn’t trying to hurt himself. I guess I thought it was all some kind of mistake. A misunderstanding! I’m really, really sorry, and I promise I won’t ever keep anything like that to myself again.”

“All right. Enough,” Yakov chided him, “Just be sure you don’t. If I hear of you keeping anything important like that from me again, you are off of my team for good. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir!” Kesha said, shuddering, “Please don’t be angry with me!”

“Go on to bed. We all will be practicing tomorrow.”

He turned away and Kesha watched until he was out of sight, then closed the door and put his back against it.

_Damn. He was really mad. For a minute there, I thought he was going to send me back to Russia right now. I’m going to have to be more careful._

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor sat on the steps of the hot spring, naked and partially submerged, holding onto Yuuri as his dark-haired partner slowly calmed. Yuuri’s tears finally stopped and he rested his head wearily on his fiancé’s shoulder, breathing slowly.

“You cried for a long time,” Victor observed, giving him a kiss on one tearstained cheek, “You’ve been holding everything in for too long.”

“Well,” Yuuri said, yawning, “what was I supposed to do? You were already dealing with so much.”

Victor gave him a skeptical look.

“We are here in Hasetsu, where you have so much family and so many friends to look after you. Even if I couldn’t be there for you, you should have turned to them. You know what they would say if they knew you were sitting there, suffering in silence. Yuuri, I am learning too that people aren’t always going to be able to know what you need unless you tell them. Everyone here, your mother and father, your sister, your friends, they all want to support, not just me, but you too. But, you have to reach out for them. You can’t expect them to just know.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Yuuri sighed, nuzzling closer to Victor, “I was just so focused on you.”

“But, you can’t do that,” Victor chided him, “Part of taking care of me is _always_ going to be taking care of yourself too. I’m not going to be okay if you’re not. But if I know you are taking care of yourself and talking to your counselor, our family, our friends, then I can concentrate on getting well. Do you understand, Yuuri?”

Yuuri nodded.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Good. Then, let’s soak together.”

Victor laid on his back in the water, looking up into Yuuri’s calmer brown eyes as he floated on his back with his ears submerged.

_I can hear my breathing._

_I can hear my heartbeat._

_I am alive and I am fighting._

_I’m not ready to give up yet._


	16. Inside Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri work through Victor's lingering insecurities and reawaken their love.

Victor kept his arms wrapped around Yuuri’s naked body as his fiancé slept. Yuuri’s face still looked flushed from crying and still wore a troubled expression, but he rested quietly in Victor’s embrace as Victor’s eyes though aching and stinging from lack of sleep, continued to watch over him.

_I feel horrible for adding to his worries like I did. I should have just been accepting when he questioned me about being in the water. He was right about everything…about it being a true concern because I wasn’t in complete control of myself, about me needing to talk to someone about it, and about me needing to trust that he won’t let me be dragged away and locked up somewhere._

_I was really afraid of that happening._

_Ever since my father told me the truth about Mother, I’ve wondered. I can’t help it, I suppose. I do resemble her in the way I create my programs. It’s like how she created her paintings. I wonder if the thing that made us so creative also has a darker side? Am I prone to madness? And if I am…then what will happen to me?_

_Will I go insane?_

_Will I hurt myself?_

_Will I hurt someone else?_

_How do I know if I will become like my mother was? She hurt my father and she hurt me while she was sleeping. Could I, too, hurt Yuuri if I fall asleep with him here? I don’t know why I would. I never, ever thought of hurting anyone. But…my mother never showed any sign of wanting to hurt me. All I remember now are times when we were awake, when she would smile at me and would do things together. I don’t remember…_

Victor paused, shivering as a very dark, deeply obscured vision rose in the back of his mind.

_He was sleeping deeply when suddenly it felt harder to breathe. He came out of sleep to find a pillow being pressed down over his face. His small hands and feet flailed in reaction, and he started to scream, but the lack of air quickly weakened him. He cried out for his mother, but the pillow only pressed down harder and he heard the muffled sound of a deeper voice that was still his mother’s._

_“You cannot be. A man cannot have a child. You never should have been born!”_

_I can’t breathe!_

“Victor!” Yuuri’s voice called out, shattering the half-sleep he had fallen into.

Victor found himself sitting up and bending forward with his arms around his body and his breaths coming in hard gasps.

“I can’t breathe!” he managed as Yuuri’s arm came around him, and his fiancé spoke into his ear in an almost frighteningly calm tone.

“You are hyperventilating,” Yuuri explained, his voice shaking very slightly, “Something upset you. Give me your hands.

It took some effort and Victor could barely see through the dark spots that were interfering with his vision, but he managed to free his arms, and he felt Yuuri’s hands take his and guide them close to his face.

“N-no!” he objected, “I already c-can’t…!”

“I know what it feels like,” Yuuri assured him, “I’ve had it happen to me before. Your body needs more carbon dioxide, not more oxygen. You need to slow your breathing. Here, cup your hands and breathe into them…slowly.”

_He’s right._

_Why didn’t I realize right away that I was hyperventilating? Oh…it was that. I was remembering that night. I was remembering the night that I sneaked into Mother’s room because I was scared. I fell asleep next to her, and I woke up because she was trying to smother me. I was too little to understand, and for a long time, I didn’t remember. That’s why I misunderstood why Father never slept with her, and why the door was locked. It’s why I was sent away to live at the skating school._

Victor closed his eyes and tried to force his heaving chest to work more slowly. He focused on the feeling of Yuuri’s warmth, wherever his husband’s body touched his.

“There. That’s getting better, isn’t it?” Yuuri encouraged him.

“Mmhmm,” Victor answered, his breaths slowing as he continued to breathe into his cupped hands.

“Good,” Yuuri said into his ear, “That feels much better now, I’m sure.”

“It does,” Victor agreed, “I think it’s okay now, Yuuri.”

“You sure?” asked Yuuri, rubbing his back gently, “You still look kinda pale and shaky.”

Victor straightened and leaned back against the pillows, breathing in more slowly and deeply. Yuuri laid down next to him, pressing his body close to Victor’s.

“What happened?” he asked tentatively, “Was it a bad dream?”

“Ah,” Victor sighed wearily, “I wish it had been just that.”

He ran his hands slowly over his face.

“I was remembering something…a long time ago. I told you after my father arrived, about what he explained to me about her?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri affirmed.

“And I also told you that once she tried to smother me, and that’s why my father was relieved to be able to send me to the skating academy to live. I never could remember her doing that…trying to kill me.”

Yuuri’s body shuddered for a moment.

“That must have been horrible. No wonder you hyperventilated. I’m sorry that happened to you, Victor.”

Victor pulled him closer, looking into his eyes.

“Will you call me Vitya?” he asked quietly, “For some reason lately, you stopped calling me that as much.”

“Did I?” Yuuri said, giving him a surprised look, “I didn’t realize.”

“You mostly say it when we’re making love, and we’ve barely been able to do anything since I was raped.”

“That’s okay,” Yuuri assured him, running his fingers through the silvery strands of his hair and kissing his frowning lips tenderly, “I told you, it might be a long time. Your counselor said the same thing. It’ll happen when we’re ready. I mean, you’ve already made love to me once.”

“But…I haven’t been able to…”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Yuuri said, kissing his cheek and the side of his pale throat, “You know there’s no rush. And we’ve had to wait anyway because you were injured there when he attacked you.”

“But I’m sure it’s healed now,” Victor persisted, “and I want to be with you that way. You know how I loved before to feel Yuuri’s penis inside me.”

Yuuri blushed.

“Yeah,” he agreed, smiling sadly, “I remember. Just…don’t worry that those things are gone. We’ll get back there, okay, Vitya? We just don’t want to rush and hurt you while you’re still recovering.”

“But I want to feel you there,” Victor whispered into his ear, kissing his earlobe, “M-maybe just your fingers?”

Yuuri’s blush darkened and he let out a little nervous giggle.

“Are you sure? You were just hyperventilating.”

“I’m fine now,” Victor said, nipping Yuuri on the side of the neck, “Touch me a little bit, _solnyshko_?”

“Okay.”

Victor rested against the pillows, closing his eyes and feeling the bed move as Yuuri retrieved a bottle of lubricant from the nightstand drawer and slowly dampened the fingers of one hand. He set the bottle on the nightstand and leaned over Victor, meeting him for a long, slow open-mouthed kiss, then trailing more damp kisses along his face and throat. Victor sighed contentedly, sinking his fingers into Yuuri’s dark hair as his lover’s tongue traced around one perked nipple and the fingers of his other hand traced around the other. A more lusty moan escaped Victor’s lips as Yuuri’s tongue ran over the erect nipple and his fingers played with the other.

“That feels so good,” Victor sighed, “Keep touching me, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s hungry mouth worked its way down lower, placing warm kisses on Victor’s soft belly, then following the trail of pale hairs down to his fiancé’s awakened member. Victor drew in a deep, slow breath, then moaned more loudly as Yuuri’s mouth wrapped around his thick, leaking erection and sank down, sucking slowly and gently at first, then firming and sucking harder as Victor’s hips moved, fucking his mouth while Yuuri’s dampened fingers slid slowly along his inner thigh. Yuuri’s mouth slid back off the end of Victor’s wet cock for a moment.

“I’m going to touch you, but I won’t put my fingers inside until you say it’s all right, okay?”

“Okay,” Victor panted, grabbing Yuuri’s head and pushing downward until Yuuri latched onto his flushed penis again.

He forced his eyes to stay open, watching Yuuri’s mouth slide up and down his gently thrusting length, while Yuuri’s fingers slid down lower and traced the puckered skin around his anus very slowly. Victor flinched, but then exhaled and relaxed his body. He focused intently on thrusting slowly in and out of Yuuri’s mouth as his lover’s fingers rubbed lubricant all around his entrance.

“It’s enough,” Victor managed finally, “Push your fingers inside me, Yuuri.”

“Okay, relax. I’ll go real slow.”

Victor took a shaky breath and let it out slowly, relaxing as best he could, despite his instant anxiety at the feeling of pressure in the place that his rapist had claimed so roughly. He raised an arm to cover his face, closing his eyes tightly as dark memories of the attack assaulted his mind.

_Trash!_

“Victor?” Yuuri whispered uncertainly.

 _You’re not welcome here!_ Victor’s mind fired back, _This…is my body and only Yuuri is allowed to be here! Only Yuuri is allowed to touch me, to penetrate me, to possess me!_

 _Whore!_ his rapist’s voice accused him.

_I may have had a lot of partners over the years, but I never once cheated on anyone. I was always true to my lover. I was faithful and I always tried to be kind._

_Thief!_ the hissing voice accused him.

_Why? Why would you call me that? What did I ever do to you? What could I have stolen from you? What did I do that made you so hateful that you would invade this place that belongs to Yuuri alone?_

_Get out!_

_Get out!_

“GET OUT!” Victor screamed, shoving Yuuri away violently, so that he tumbled off the bed and onto the floor.

Instantly, Victor’s face went sheet white and he stared at his shocked partner with a devastated expression.

“I’m…s-sorry!” he gasped, grabbing a yukata that was hung over a chair beside the bed, “I’m sorry, Yuuri! Please, forgive me! I didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” Yuuri answered, gathering himself, “It’s okay.”

He picked up his own yukata and wrapped it around himself.

“It’s not okay,” Victor managed shakily, his pretty blue-green eyes filling with indignant tears, “I pushed you too hard. I could have hurt you.”

“No,” Yuuri insisted, “you weren’t trying to hurt me. It was very clear.”

“But I…?”

“You didn’t even know it was me, when that happened, did you? You weren’t seeing me at all. Were you even hearing me say how much I love you?”

“N-no!” Victor confessed, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face in them, “I tried to hear you, but I could only hear _his voice_! I tried to feel that Yuuri was touching me, but I could only feel his rough hands.”

“That’s why you yelled and that’s why you pushed me,” Yuuri assured him, “You weren’t being violent, you were only trying to push him away.”

“But, I pushed _you_ away!” Victor objected, lifting his head off of his knees, “I don’t want to push you away. I’ll be lonely without you! I don’t want to be without you, Yuuri!”

“I’m right here,” Yuuri reassured him, pressing close to his side, “We don’t have to have sex for us to feel close. For now, let’s just lie naked together, okay?”

Victor gave him a petulant look.

“But if I’m naked with you, then I want to be making love.”

“Shh,” Yuuri soothed him, coaxing him down onto his back and opening the front of his yukata.

He moved so that he laid partially on top of his fiancé, so that his soft inner thigh laid against Victor’s flaccid penis. Immediately, Victor began to harden in reaction.

“You see, I am already responding to you.”

“That’s fine,” Yuuri said, smiling at him and moving his leg.

Victor started to blush and turn his head away, but Yuuri’s hand caught him under the chin and brought their eyes back together.

“Look right here,” he said, kissing Victor’s frowning mouth.

He continued tasting and kissing those soft, perfect lips until they couldn’t help but curve upward.

“Yuuri,” Victor sighed into his ear, “I really want to feel you inside me.”

Yuuri nodded, looking into his partner’s lusty eyes.

“I see. Then, do what you want with me, Vitya.”

“But…last time I threw you on the floor,” Victor complained.

Yuuri smiled and shrugged.

“This time, I will be ready, so I won’t fall off the bed if you get scared and push me. I’ll just let go of you if you’re spooked.”

Victor looked back at him with a momentarily stymied expression.

“You aren’t worried I’ll hurt you?” he asked.

Yuuri shook his head firmly.

“Vitya will never hurt me,” he said with certainty, “My Vitya is gentle and kind. He is a passionate man, but he is loving. I trust him with my body and my very life.”

“Yuuri,” Victor whispered, his eyes misting, “that’s so beautiful! You say these beautiful things to me and all I want to do is tackle you and make love to you all night.”

“Then, do what you want with me, Vitya. If you want to make love to me, I want you inside me. We’ve already done that and it was okay, right?”

“It was.”

“Then, let’s start with that.”

Victor paused for a moment, looking into Yuuri’s welcoming eyes, then he tackled his dark-haired lover and held him down, kissing him fervently.

“Yuuri!” he panted, reaching for the lubricant.

“Vitya!” Yuuri moaned, spreading his thighs wide.

The two men kissed and rubbed against each other as Victor’s slicked fingers prepared Yuuri’s bottom for their joining. Yuuri laughed and spread his legs wider, pulling impatiently on Victor’s hips as he made his entry. Victor’s lust-hazed eyes remained locked on Yuuri’s as he began thrusting and Yuuri raised his hips eagerly.

“It feels good?” Victor asked.

“Mmhmmm,” Yuuri panted, “Make it deeper, Vitya! Harder!”

“I don’t want to…”

“It feels so good, Vitya!” Yuuri moaned, igniting more lust in Victor’s eyes and causing a stronger reaction in his loins.

He pushed in deeper and Yuuri groaned and raised his hips higher.

“T’s so good, Vitya!”

Victor gazed down at his thrashing, moaning partner raptly, his ardor increasing as Yuuri stiffened for a moment, then let out a howl of pleasure and descended into shudders of pure bliss, releasing long spurts of his seed. He leaned over his spent partner, smiling and kissing him on his still panting mouth.

“Yuuri, you are so beautiful in orgasm,” he breathed into the Japanese man’s ear, “I love you so much.”

Yuuri recovered slowly, curling up to Victor’s side and still kissing him and stroking his still hungry cock.

“Vitya didn’t climax yet,” Yuuri observed, “Do you want me to suck you?”

“No,” Victor said, biting at his lips, “I want Yuuri inside me.”

Yuuri took a slow breath.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, but…let me do it,” Victor said, sitting up and bringing his slighter partner up with him.

He climbed onto Yuuri’s lap and began kissing him again, and rubbing his hardness against Yuuri’s reawakening length.

“Your penis is hot,” Victor panted, looking down between them, “It’s so hot, I think I’ll melt if I put it inside me.”

Yuuri smiled.

“Let’s melt together, beautiful Vitya!” he laughed.

 _This isn’t like it was with my attacker,_ Victor thought, looking steadily into Yuuri’s adoring eyes as he dripped lubricant onto Yuuri’s flushed penis, then made circles on the warm satin flesh to spread it around, _Yuuri’s eyes are full of affection and the sounds he makes are light and happy._

Victor took a shuddering breath and positioned himself over Yuuri’s wet cock, keeping eye contact as he very slowly brought his body down. The cool feeling of the first touch made him flinch and tremble, but he breathed slowly and let himself down carefully, making small movements as Yuuri’s penis filled him inside. He felt Yuuri’s hands wrap around his bottom.

“Stop for a moment,” Yuuri requested.

Victor paused, tilting his head and looking at his partner quietly. His eyes grew confused as Yuuri spoke to him in Japanese.

“What was that?” he asked, frowning, “What did you just say to me?”

Yuuri’s smile warmed sweetly.

“I said that my Vitya is a treasure,” Yuuri answered, “Vitya is lovely, he is so brave and he is mine alone forever.”

“Oh,” Victor said breathlessly, his eyes filling to the brim with happy tears, “Yuuri!”

He collapsed onto his back, pulling his surprised partner down on top of him, grabbing at his bottom and pulling impatiently.

“Make love to me, Yuuri!”

Yuuri moved and nearly cried with happiness at feeling his lover move with him. They descended together into a flurry of hard, fast thrusts that swiftly brought them to the edges of bliss and tossed them over. Victor’s slender back arched and he groaned contentedly as he released, then he gasped and writhed beautifully as Yuuri’s blazing heat filled him inside.

“Y-yuu—ri!”

He turned and tossed Yuuri down onto his back, kissing his hungry, biting mouth passionately.

_I don’t know who you are that attacked me and tried to take this away from Yuuri and me, but…you failed. Yuuri is my one and only true love and you…_

_…are a fangless monster…_


	17. The Quiet Battles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a new development in Victor's case.

Yuuri arrived at Ice Castle Hasetsu in the late morning and found Victor on the ice, practicing with several of his Russian teammates as Yakov stood with Yuko and the triplets, watching. He sat down and put his skates on, then walked to the ice rink wall to watch with his longtime friend and the others.

“Hi Yuuri-kun,” Yuko greeted him cheerfully, “Did you come a little early to watch the end of Vic-chan’s practice session?”

“Hi Yuko,” Yuuri answered, smiling, “Yeah, I wanted to see how things were going, now that Yakov’s here, training him. I’ll be training with Victor after.”

He turned his attention to watching as Victor and Kesha worked on one end of the rink and Yurio practiced with Otabek on the other end. Yakov leaned against the rink wall, his eyes focused on Victor and Kesha as they practiced their jumps.

“Remember what I said about easing back into the jumps,” Yakov warned Kesha, “It’s taken a long time for your body to heal. You don’t want to rush now and reinjure yourself.”

“Got it!” Kesha panted as he skated by, then he and Victor executed side-by-side triple salchow, triple toe loop combinations. Then, Victor turned and gathered speed before making a quadruple toe loop, triple toe loop combination, while Kesha continued practice only triples.

“I can’t wait to start doing quads again,” Kesha sighed as he Victor made another turn together.

“You’re doing great,” Victor said encouragingly, “You were off the ice for a long time.”

“A lot of people said that I wouldn’t come back,” Kesha said, frowning as he and Victor made another jump together, “Some said that after that fall I took and the long recovery, I should just give up competing.”

“Hmm,” Victor said thoughtfully, “I’m glad you didn’t listen.”

“Me too.”

The two men practiced a spin combination, then straightened and turned back towards where everyone was watching.

“I felt bad after it happened,” Victor confessed, “really bad. I should never have let Mitka tease us into competing like that. If I had refused, then…”

“Eh, I was there too,” Kesha said, looking away, “You didn’t make me show off for him like that. We both made our own decisions, right? You were lucky enough not to get hurt while we were being stupid together. I got hurt. It’s as simple as that.”

Kesha met Victor’s eyes for a moment.

“Mitka was pissed that you never claimed the prize for that. He said you never collected on that date with him for winning.”

“Stop,” Victor complained, “There was no winner that day. You got hurt.”

“I don’t think Mitka thought of it that way.”

“Well, he was kind of an idiot, wasn’t he?” Victor concluded, “I wasn’t that interested in the date anyway. I just liked competing. He has to have known that.”

“I think if he didn’t get that before, he got it then. I tried to smooth things over with him, but he just said he’d had enough and we didn’t see each other anymore.”

“Hmm.”

“Hey, I’m going to go and get some water. Be right back.”

“Okay.”

Kesha skated to the opening in the ice rink wall and grabbed his water bottle, then he took a long drink.

“How’s it going?” Yuuri asked conversationally.

“Pretty good,” Kesha said, smiling and straightening as he put the water bottle down, “I feel like it’s going pretty well. Are you here for your practice, Yuuri?”

“Yeah, I just came early to watch the end of Victor’s practice. I do that sometimes.”

“I see.”

Yuuri felt his heart quicken as he followed Kesha’s gaze to where Victor was working on his step sequence.

“I was hoping that you and I could talk for a minute. Is that okay?”

Kesha glanced at Yakov, who nodded dismissively.

“Sure,” he answered, following Yuuri to a bench, where the two sat down, “What’s on your mind, Yuuri?”

Yuuri considered silently for a moment before continuing.

“I was just…wondering about something.”

Kesha’s eyes darkened and he bit his lip and looked down at his water bottle before taking a swallow.

“This is about what happened at the beach, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

Kesha looked up at him appraisingly.

“You wonder why I didn’t say anything about him acting crazy and walking into the water?”

Kesha sighed.

“Coach Yakov threatened to throw me off the team for that. He questioned it too.”

Yuuri took a steadying breath, his hands clenching slightly.

“And what did you tell him?” he asked.

Kesha sighed again and closed his eyes.

“I told him I was sorry, and that it wouldn’t happen again. I apologized.”

“But, why did you not say anything?” Yuuri persisted, “Kesha, if Victor was in that much pain and he was struggling, he needed help.”

“I know,” Kesha admitted, “I suppose that, at the time, I was more afraid that I would say something that would get my longtime friend taken away and…I was just…afraid for him.”

“You thought that risking his life by not saying something was better than speaking up and getting Victor the help he needed?” Yuuri said confrontationally.

“I…” Kesha stammered, paling, “I don’t suppose I was thinking that clearly. I just…when I got to the beach and I saw him, all I was thinking about was that it was dangerous and I could lose someone I l—someone I care about. And when I pulled him back, I thought only that he was going to be taken away in a different way. I was afraid, and I failed to look at all of the facts. I made a mistake, Yuuri, and…I don’t expect you to understand. It’s fine if you want to hold it against me.”

Yuuri took a deeper breath and let it out as he thought for a long moment.

“I just want what’s best for Victor. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. He’s already been hurt too much.”

“I know,” Kesha assured him, “and I promise you, that was all that was in my head when I made that decision. I know you have reason not to believe me, but I hope you will. And I hope you will accept my apology.”

Yuuri felt a blush coming on as Kesha moved a little closer and laid a hand on his forearm.

“I think you are a wonderful skater. I look forward to seeing you around the rink in Saint Petersburg.”

“Ah-uh, yeah,” Yuuri said in a flustered voice, “S-sure, now that you’re training again, I’m sure we’ll see you around.”

“Yuuri,” Victor said suddenly as he skated up to the rink wall, “is that scoundrel bothering you?”

Yuuri blushed darkly.

“Eh…”

“I was just telling Yuuri it will be nice seeing the two of you around the home rink,” Kesha chuckled, taking his hand off of Yuuri’s arm and running his fingers through his messy hair, “You know, now that I’m training again.”

“Right,” Victor said with a jokingly skeptical edge, “Don’t you let this schemer talk you into anything. He is a smooth talker, usually when he wants something.”

“Vitya, you’re so mean,” Kesha laughed.

“No,” Victor snickered, swatting him lightly on the shoulder, “I just know you. Get out of here and stop flustering my boyfriend. Don’t you have some practicing to do or something?”

“I was getting to that,” Kesha said, smirking, “but what was it you used to say, Vitya? All things in equal measure? Skate like a god, drink like a fish and love like a who—?”

“That’s not very nice of you to say in front of this sweet boy,” Victor said, cutting him off abruptly without even losing his smile (although Yuuri couldn’t help but notice that it tightened ever so slightly), “Come Yuuri, let’s get started.”

“Y-yeah, okay, uh…ah!” Yuuri stammered as Victor grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the ice, “Whoa, what’s that all about?”

“What?” Victor said absently, following Yuuri’s gaze back to Kesha, who was wiping his face and throat with a towel and drinking more from his water bottle while Yakov talked to him, “Oh that? It was nothing, Yuuri. Pay it no mind. Kesha and I are very old friends and young men say stupid things sometimes when they are getting wasted together. All right, lets warm up.”

Yuuri fell in with Victor and moved easily alongside him, holding Victor’s extended hand as they skated backwards in a long curve, then turned and took up a dance position.

“Look,” Yuuri said in a quiet voice as they danced together to a slow song that Victor had set to play for the start of the warm up, “I wanted to tell you, I’m really sorry if I upset you last night.”

“Yuuri, you didn’t…”

“Yeah, I did,” Yuuri insisted, “I think you waking up the entire household and all of the guests, yelling at me is a pretty good indicator that I upset you.”

“I wasn’t going to say that you didn’t upset me,” Victor corrected him, “Straighten your back, Yuuri.”

“Oh, sorry,” Yuuri apologized, hastily making the adjustment.

“I was upset,” Victor went on, “but you were only saying that to me, because you love me and I did something that scared you.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, “I just…had to know that you were going to be okay. I had to confront you because if I didn’t and something really bad happened because of it, then I wouldn’t be able to stand it.”

“I know,” Victor assured him, leaning in as they turned and pressing his lips to Yuuri’s as Yuuri laid back in his arms.

The two had to change course suddenly as Yurio swept by within inches of them.

“Stop making out and focus on your training, you two!” he snapped, “You won’t be worth a thing in competition if you keep this up!”

Yuuri’s feet scrabbled for a moment, and his grasping hands held onto his smirking partner’s shoulders as Victor steadied him.

“Idiot!” Yuuri hissed angrily, “He’s such a pain!”

“Mmhmm,” Victor agreed, his smile gentle and more than a little nostalgic, “Feels kind of like home when he does that, though, doesn’t it?”

Yuuri tried to hold onto his annoyance, but found himself laughing softly as Victor loosed him so that they could turn into side-by-side spins.

“Okay, it does bring back some…erm…memories. I don’t know how good they are.”

“What’s between you, me and Yurio is _all_ good, Yuuri,” Victor said firmly, “Yurio has a big mouth and way too big of an ego, but the boy is only protecting an even bigger heart that sometimes feels too much and scares him.”

“Heh, I don’t know what all of that meant, but…okay, if you think I should cut him some slack, then I will.”

“Thank you,” Victor chuckled, leading Yuuri into a set of scripted warm up jumps.

The focus turned to Yuuri’s practice session, which took up the next several hours. The continued presence and interactions with members of the Russian skating team seemed to Yuuri to be successful in helping Victor to look more relaxed, and even at home.

 _He is slowly getting better_ , Yuuri noticed, _I think having his team come to support him this way is huge for Victor. Last night was scary, and I am still very glad that Victor and I are gong to see our counselors this afternoon, but I do see he’s making steady progress._

_I do wonder if we’re ever going to learn who it was that did this to Victor._

_Victor was drunk when it happened, and his attacker choked him into near unconsciousness, then slammed his head against the ground. It was dark, and he said that although he might have caught a glimpse of the person, it wasn’t enough to form an impression. He’s recalled some things, like that the attacker was wearing a scent like Victor’s favorite, that he altered his voice so that it was hissing and raspy, probably to make it harder for him to recognize, and that the man was physically strong. It isn’t much to go on, but we also have what Victor remembered about what the attacker said. Victor told me that the man called him trash, whore and thief. The police suspect that this is someone Victor knows, an acquaintance or maybe a rival skater. They have investigated and cleared Chris and J.J., but there were a lot of other skaters at the banquet and there were other athletes staying at the hotel where the banquet was held._

_I wonder when we’ll get the results of the rape exam. We heard yesterday that there was a delay on the result, then it will take time for the hospital to provide the results to the police where the event was held, and it will take more time for the information to be shared with the authorities here. So, who knows when we’ll actually have that information, and all of this time, Victor’s assailant is running around free and terrorizing him._

“Yuuri, your free leg!” Victor scolded him.

“Oh, sorry!” Yuuri apologized, hurrying to fix himself.

“Better.”

“Thanks.”

He refocused on his training, letting go of his worries and embracing his skating time with Victor.

_My favorite part of our sessions is when the hard work is done and Victor puts on slow music, and we dance on the ice together. Being close to Victor, feeling his arms around me, having his body so close to mine and hearing his voice in my ear is so beautiful. I love the feel of his hands on me. I love Victor’s scent, not even the cologne he wears, but the scent of Victor’s own body that’s underneath it. Sometimes, I’ll feel his breath touch my cheek or the side of my neck and it make me get a tickle inside._

“You’re blushing, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor breathed into his ear, laughing softly as Yuuri smiled and squeezed his hand, “Are you having wicked thoughts about me?”

_I would usually get flustered and complain at him for being so direct, but for Victor to be back to himself in this way is such a gift, I don’t care so much that he sometimes embarrasses me, or that he puts his hands all over me. I crave Victor’s touch now._

_I can’t wait until we can be married._

_We decided to wait on the wedding until Victor has recovered more. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but all things considered, pushing ourselves through a wedding in a foreign country while Victor is still recovering would have been hard on both of us. Better we wait until we can give the occasion the attention it deserves._

The song they were ice dancing to ended and the two young men skated to the edge of the rink and exited. They found Kesha and another of the team’s skaters, putting away the team equipment as Yakov worked with another pair of skaters.

“Now, why does he have you doing shit work for him?” Victor asked good-naturedly, “You didn’t believe him when he told you that builds character and strength for competition, did you? I can tell you right now, that’s not true.”

“Like _you_ would know, little mister prodigy,” Kesha shot back, his eyes narrowing with mock challenge, “You never had to lift a finger, did you. Yakov was too worried about you breaking an arm or leg and not being able to compete.”

“That’s entirely beside the point,” Victor laughed, brushing the sweat dampened strands away from his eyes, “It’s like our prep instructor told us at the intake trials for the academy. _Show them something that they want desperately and they will only look at you. You will be their prize and the rest are trash._ Not that I agreed at all with that, but it did inspire me to give my best to earn top honors on entry. As I recall you did well too, earned an honorable mention?”

“Heh,” Kesha snickered, “but not a scholarship, like you did, right?”

“You did all right for yourself without any of that,” Victor said approvingly, “And in no time, you’ll be back at center ice and making the skeptics eat their words, _da_?”

“You know it,” Kesha chuckled, turning back to his work.

“Hey, uh…” Yuuri said, glancing at Victor, “I don’t know if you’ve eaten yet, but Victor and I were about to head to lunch before our counseling. Would you like to…?”

He was stopped before finishing as a dark suited man with black hair and quiet grey eyes approached them.

“I am sorry to interrupt, sirs,” he said politely, “I am officer Tanaka. I was told I could find Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki here?”

“I am Victor,” Victor said, stepping forward.

“I’m Yuuri,” Yuuri added.

“Victor, Yuuri,” the officer said, nodding, “I’ve been sent to inform you that we have apprehended a man who violated a restraining order filed by you, Yuuri. He was in video evidence collected from the night club where you were in attendance last night.”

“So, he _was_ there!” Yuuri said, his hands clenching.

“We tried questioning him last night, but he had been drinking and seemed to ramble at times. During the course of his rambling, he made a serious claim.”

“What kind of claim?” Victor asked, exchanging curious glances with Yuuri, “What did he tell you?”

“The man claims to have been stalking Yuuri Katsuki for many years, which we now to be true, thus the restraining order you filed against him. He said he carried a grudge against you, Victor, for stealing Yuuri away and taking him to Russia. Victor, he confessed to being the man who raped you.”


End file.
